I’ve been struggling with my identity lately, and I know why.
In early adulthood, I associated my identity with my profession. It was not a healthy association, I realize, but it’s what happened.
And then, I qualified for SSDI based on my mental health needs. And so all of a sudden, there was no professional life, and no prospect for one.
And then, I found photography as a mental health outlet.
But then, I took on the idea that I should be a professional photographer, that THAT should be my professional life and identity.
And for the better part of eight years on and off, I have somewhat pigeonholed myself into a part-time version of just that: professional photographer.
Except, now it’s time to do away with the photography business.
I have considered selling some of my gear and downgrading to less bulky and expensive gear in the aftermath, both to pay down some debt but also to sort of step away from the role of professional, in gear as well as identity.
But the reality is: I will always be a photographer, whether I make any money from the endeavor, or not. It’s part of who I am at this point.
And, I absolutely adore my cameras. They are big, but they are big because they are medium format and as far as medium format goes, they are not that big.
And I love the bokeh, and all my lenses– both brand and adapted.
Jared and I have taken a number of steps in the past month to be much more fiscally responsible. Closing down the photography business will help with that, as well. The best thing I can do is not acquire more gear, and continue enjoying and using the equipment I have. Offloading even a portion wouldn’t help in the ways I wish, as trading out gear is always a losing proposition – I definitely know that by now.
It’s hard to quantify and medical and pet expenses made it such that last month we still spent more than planned. But in the last month we have eliminated YouTube TV, Netflix, eight other entertainment type memberships, we spent $501.59 less in groceries between April and May, we spent $52.12 less in eating out. I made the decision this weekend to migrate the hosting of this website to another much cheaper service and that saved us another $100 a year.
We’ve made pretty immediate progress on getting our spending in order and that is much needed and promising. Our spending has long been out of control and the photography business contributed greatly to that end, unfortunately. It is no exaggeration to say that we incurred significant costs to support my business expenses, unfortunately.
It is rather astounding though: I have been shooting with my GFX 50sIIs (well, one of them anyway) for 3.5 years. That’s longer than I have stuck with any single camera ever, since the original Sony Alpha NEX 5N. So there is some progress there, at least.
This identity struggle though: it is rough. I struggle to embrace the role of housewife and mother. I’ve raised a grown son and have another teen and a tween too, and the role of mother has never really felt completely natural, truth be told.
And I do know why it is: I idolized my grandmother and my aunt and my mother, and they all worked their whole lives.
It does not feel natural that I should not do the same. Even though Jared tells me it is fine that I do not, and that my value to him and to our family is in no way tied to my income.
So anyway, that’s the core of one of my major life’s struggles. I do not know if I would struggle in the same way if money were easier for us or not. I like to think that if we didn’t struggle with money, I would worry less about working. But somehow, I suspect that isn’t as relevant an issue as I often believe.
But, at least for today, I’ve settled the issue of whether I should keep the gear, and whether or not at my core I am still a photog.
Also, as an aside: Jared had the idea (that has given him much laughter over the last several days) at the Marina a few days ago that we should make a Duck Butt Blog. It came about when I was bemoaning the fact that the ducks were all putting their heads underwater to fish the other night, making them less picturesque. So I took photos of them with their heads underwater.
So, I came home, and not an hour and a half later, https://duckbutt.blog came into being. It’s a thing and will be an ongoing project. It makes Jared exceedingly happy to have this project even though I am the one who is doing the work, and apparently there is an audience for such, judging by the reaction on WordPress.
Anyway, that’s what’s happening in these parts.
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