Tag: self-exploration

  • Great Lips

    I met up with him in December of 2024. I wanted to see if I could face him after just short of 15 years, after I’d confronted him in writing privately about the welfare check 14 years previously and after I’d sent him the “My Me Too” blog post as an attempt at closure in 2018. 

    And we had lunch, and I faced him. And I was nervous the entire time. 

    This is an abridged version of the text that poured out of me a week later, when I finally told Jared exactly what had happened:

    “…The FB block is from when I sent him the My Me Too blog post in 2018 I sent it to him via messenger and he blocked me then…. he blocked me then. Hopefully his crappy memory won’t remember and unblock me.

    There’s something else. 

    He forced a very deep kiss on me in the parking deck when he walked me to my car after lunch Wednesday. I was going to kiss him on the cheek after hugging him but there was literally zero time…. None. All of a sudden there was tongue in my mouth. Deep almost in my throat. For like 2 minutes because he was holding me tight. I was clear instantly getting in the car that it wasn’t consensual. 

    It wasn’t consensual– I wasn’t interested in cheating on you. I was ready to go and not look back. I’d gotten anxious in the restaurant. He invited me to his room and I told him no. I used you as an excuse as we left our table at the restaurant– there were people at the table right next to us and I said, “No, I don’t think Jared would like that.”…

    We should probably both get tested for STI’s because he’s had throat cancer due to HPV. He told me about the throat cancer on Wednesday and when I said I was sorry to hear it, he said, “It’s okay, I deserve it.” It wasn’t until Thursday morning that he told me it was due to HPV and that people called him a “dirty dog”– his words– for “swapping bodily fluids with too many people.”

    In the parking deck I told him that you can track my phone, before the forced kiss. On Thursday when I messaged him…..to tell him I was there, he saw my phone in my lap, and said, “I thought you might not have your phone with you.” It didn’t occur to me at the time but I realized later that he thought I might have left my phone elsewhere so that you wouldn’t know where I was. I didn’t tell him that I’d told you exactly where I was going….

    It was not my intention to be unfaithful to you at all. I needed to face him. I needed to see exactly for myself that I wasn’t wrong about 26 years ago– I needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t wrong in my memories from November 12, 1998 and that I was strong enough to face him…..

    I didn’t lie on Facebook, either– even with all that, he was so much more appropriate than I thought he might be….”

    There was a lot more to that text documentation that is saved so many places at this point. 

    And I don’t know the words that Jared had with him in the aftermath, but I do know I crumbled, and for months I became hypervigilant, and immediately I became concerned about HPV exposure and visited my doctors and the dentist for exams as best they can do (since there aren’t actual screening mechanisms for oral HPV itself unless it becomes symptomatic)….. 

    And I won’t lie, even in the midst of the psychosis of last Spring that set up in the aftermath of all this, I had the wherewithall to schedule a complete hysterectomy and ovary removal because I was worried not only about future throat cancer, it occurred to me that I’d been involved with this guy 22-27 years previously and I was concerned about the cancers that can happen after STI exposure from decades previously. And sure enough there was significant fibrosis and scar tissue when my surgeon got in there, and I have no idea what silent diseases I dealt with in my younger years that would have caused all that, though my surgeon assures me that future cancer risk in my pelvis and abdomen is low becuase she got all the fibrosis and there was no cancer in the pathology from the organs that were removed. 

    And I did actually have quite the extended low-key psychosis last Spring in the aftermath of that season of contact. And in predictable fashion, when I was in the vulnerable season of surgical recovery, as I emerged from that psychosis, I thought, surely I must have been wrong in December. Which is how October happened. 

    And I know throat cancer takes decades to develop. But every time I get a wierd sore throat, I think about it. 

    I did tell him that I was worried that he’d exposed me to his HPV. He tried to tell me “you know that’s not how that works,” gaslighting me. That’s exactly how that can work, even if it may not have been how he probably acquired it himself. 

    Great lips is the title of this post. “Great lips,” were his exact words, his only words other than “Goodbye,” after he shoved his tongue down my throat.

    I was simply an object to him. Not a person with feelings, not a person he had a history with who he might have had a duty to respect, due to the history if nothing else.

    But my assumption that any sort of regard for any history is built on my utter inability to fathom that a person might simply feel that level of cold indifference to anyone, much less someone they’d known for well over 25 years in whatever capacity the history was. 

    And it’s April of 2026 now and the seasons of renewed contact proved to me that no, even in the midst of my unwellness in 2010, I was quite on target that November of 1998 was indeed the sexual assault I’d identified it as in 2010, and that yes, the school-girl fantasy request of October of 2025 proved that indeed, all I was to him was a school-girl fantasy object fulfilled for an extended period of time. A literal object useful for my youth relative to his own age. 

    And honestly, the reframing that I’ve done in my own mind since October of 2025— the going over and over in my brain not only the recent history of 2024 and 2025 but also the entirety of my memories from 1998 to 2003…..

    It’s been devastatingly sobering and utterly heartbreaking to realize that in all that history, I was literally an object for consumption to that man for an awfully long time. No more, no less.

    And even though for the rest of my life I will worry about throat cancer, I am grateful for these seasons of recent contact. I have learned a lot about trusting myself throughout these exercises. I have learned that indeed, I made the best choice in 2003. I have learned that I have a marriage stronger than any other marriage I know. I have learned that I am ready to move forward and live in the present. I have learned that yes; I am strong. I have learned that it is true: when someone tells you exactly who they are in both words and actions, believe them. I have remembered that there is evil in the world, and I have remembered that I do not have to punish myself by being present with that evil. 

    I have learned that I have a great life; I am learning currently that there is a whole lifetime of opportunity in healing; I have learned that the best justice possible is for me to enjoy my life knowing that he will never, ever, ever know the depth of richness of relationships and love that I have in my life; he simply doesn’t have the capacity for comprehension of the types of goodness I come in contact with daily in the amazingly beautiful souls I am fortunate to live with, much less know in my communities around me. 

    Yes, trauma has hurt. Yes, trauma will continue to hurt. And yes, I am grateful for this path that I am on, that I will continue to explore because in learning to heal, I learn a little more every day about love and the type of person I want to be. 

  • Maximalist on Jewelry, Not So Much on Beauty Products

    This post is expanded from a Facebook post.

    Jared and I went shopping at Ross last week, and Jared picked me out two outfits. This floral dress is one of his choices; I snapped the photo while we were on our way to Costco today.

    My husband is biased, but he commented more than once when we were in Costco about how lovely I looked today. I’m pretty sure he liked seeing me in a dress he picked out himself.

    And Jared’s comments reminded me that while I am 46, I am mostly rejecting typical beauty regimens for women in their 40s.

    Here’s my routine:

    I mostly exclusively use Trader Joe’s 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash for their intended purposes as my sole product in the shower.

    I found TIRTIR milk toner at Costco probably a year ago, and I use it on my face immediately after I get out of the shower. It came in a double-pack, and I only just opened the second bottle in the last probably three weeks.

    Then, I use L’Oreal Pro Longer 10-in-1 cream on my hair before I comb it out, and then I spray my hair all over with Kenra Sugar Spray, and then comb it out, still wet. I used to use the entire L’Oreal Pro Longer line but 1) it’s massively expensive and 2) it weighed my hair down too much.

    Next, I put probably 5-6 drops of Trader Joe’s jojoba oil on the palm of my hand and I rub it slightly into my hands and then rub it onto my neck and chest area. Then I used what’s left on my fingertips to coat the last two inches of my hair lightly in the jojoba oil film.

    These days, I am mostly letting my hair air dry unless I specifically want a blow-dried look and know I will want to leave my hair down.

    But most days these days, I am putting my hair up in a French pin. The Ulta ones I have posted about in other posts are my standard go-to’s right now.

    I don’t use any makeup at all, other than a Neutrogena lip oil and I do use that religiously.

    I am eleven months post-surgical-menopause, and I’ve noticed in the last two months that my hair is a different consistency now: it’s always been baby fine, but now it feels exceptionally delicate and its graying process is vastly faster now. I’m not upset by this in the least, but it’s made this routine all the more important. When my weight fluctuates I do notice aging in my neck, and my bone health must also be delicate because my scoliotic spine is definitely not stable right now.

    I’ve tried other products, and here I will admit something I rarely think about but is true: I haven’t actually used lotion on my hands or other real moisturizers in a decade, other than the jojoba oil and the TIRTIR toner. My hands always looked young, but they still pretty much look like they did in my 30s.

    I tried The Ordinary’s line probably two years ago and that didn’t last more than a couple of weeks. My skin is naturally, pre-menopause, very greasy, and all that stuff did was weigh my skin down and make me break out.

    I also gave up most makeup over a decade ago. For a couple of years recently I used a blush cream most days, but I gave that up probably eight months ago and honestly, I feel better and I think I look better because of it.

    My diet is also a factor in all this, but that is a post for another time.

    A note about my hand photo: yes, my jewelry is maximalist. No, in the grand scheme of things, it is not expensive. Jared kindly upgraded my original center diamond to a lab diamond that was less than $200 for our 20th, that we had set in a 4-prong setting I found on Etsy, and the eternity rings are moissanite and sterling, and the index finger ring was a $32 Kudzu find that I treasure because I was out shopping with a friend the afternoon I found it. I like shiny, not expensive. Jewelry on a budget is a whole other post I could do, but not today.

    **Edited to add: Not a sponsored post. I just really like the products I talk about here, and the places I really shop on a regular basis.

    **Also adding: I am low-key anxious about my hair turning silver and its much more delicate texture. The consolation I get is that I never have gotten caught up in the highlighting or dyeing treadmill, so the natural silver streaks are somewhat of a novelty that is happening gradually. There will never be a root line or a synthetic transition I have to battle.

    **Also also: Jared really likes shopping for me. I sent him to ThredUp tonight to look around at dresses and he’s sent me probably a dozen links to dresses. All of which were overpriced, but it is the thought that counts, right?

  • Twenty-One Years

    Photo by Virginia Hall. Re-edits by me.

    The view in this photograph doesn’t exist anymore.

    And I suppose anniversaries can be like that, too.

    This photo is standing close to the arch at Epworth-By-The-Sea at St. Simons Island. We are standing facing the arch, with Virginia facing those beautiful Live Oaks in the background.

    Standing in this very spot now, there are condos in the background now in 2026 where there was only woods in 2005.

    Not all progress is positive. Even if I am a curmudgeon about progress in general, especially when it mostly only benefits rich people.

    Today was not an easy day. I have been really sick (thus the COVID test picture and post that went viral on Facebook, from the other post– last check there were over 309,800 views on that post).

    Today was our 21st anniversary, and I always get extremely anxious on special days.

    And, Jared had taken the day off (and tomorrow) to be with me all day, and Jared got called into work for an emergency. Which I didn’t mind later in the moment.

    But as typical for special occasions, there were fights last night.

    I got scared because Aquaguard came to inspect our crawlspace encapsulation, and this kid that graduated with Porter, who probably hasn’t even been on the job very long at all, tried to tell just that there are problems with our foundation.

    And, there very well might be problems. But probably not to the extent that the kid tried to scare us into buying a solution into. We will hire an independent structural engineer company when we have funds to do so. There are no external signs that there are problems, and with our house being 32 years old, these “issues” may have gone unnoticed for years upon years.

    And that sent me into a spiral of feeling like crap about being unemployable, and I posted a not very wise Facebook post that I have since archived, after Jared and I had been fighting for hours, about 11 PM last night.

    And I woke Jared up after crying myself to sleep at about 2:30 AM, and Jared hadn’t been asleep very long himself at that point.

    So, we were not set up for a very good day together.

    The day was not a loss; we had a lovely time at Gallery Row for lunch.

    But there was more fighting later in the day.

    I have high expectations for special days like anniversaries, and I’m hoping to tone them down for future events so as to not cause problems like happened today.

    But now that the day is over, I can calm down, and we can go back to real life.

    It is Easter weekend, and I am still really not feeling well– I finally called a Telehealth urgent care on Tuesday and got an antibiotic for the secondary sinus infection I have developed. But I’m still far from 100%.

    We may not make it to Good Friday service at church like planned, and I’m hoping for a better next couple of days than the past couple of days.

    I suppose having had 21 anniversaries at this point, there was bound to be a hard day mixed in somewhere.

    Neither of us even made the joke that our marriage is old enough to drink today.

  • Maybe Recliners Aren’t the Be-All-End-All

    I have severe scoliosis. As in– I started wearing a back brace at age six, wore some variation of said brace through age 13 (think hard plastic shells molded from a cast of my whole torso, made every few months as I grew)…..it was not fun times.

    And at age 13 when I had surgery for an 87-degree curve, I really hoped that was the end of it. I grew from five foot six inches to five foot seven and a half inches in 10 hours. True story.

    But….life happened, four pregnancies and three healthy boys happened, and here I am at age 46 with a secondary thoracic curve that has to be at least 45 degrees in addition to the original lumbar curve, which has settled also at 45 degrees or so.

    Suffice it to say between the curves and rotation, my whole skeletal system is a mess.

    For the past six years, we have loved our Kirkland Signature leather electric reclining couch. We now are at Costco all the time, but we actually scored our couch at a local salvage store for $250, brand new apparently. When we bought it I thought we’d be doing well to get six months of use out of it, and here we are six years alter, and it still works.

    I have been in physical therapy now for months, and after last week’s session I decided I might be done with the couch. I’ve known for a long time that it was not good for my back, so I decided to just take the week and sit, when I sit, in this straight back cushioned rocking chair with the pillow, as pictured above.

    And…..something minor-miracle-wise, happened:

    I found myself sitting less. A lot less. I started getting back on my stationary exercise bike daily. I found myself sitting to do what I was going to do and then getting back up to resume household tasks as needed. And my mental health has been better on the whole, as well.

    I did not realize that what one sits on can literally make a change in lifestyle in the span of a week.

    So, the couch is posted on Facebook for giveaway, and we will find a better recliner for my husband, who legitimately does need one since he sleeps out here in our living room occasionally.

    Yes, we are a couple that does not always sleep in the same room, and no, there is nothing wrong with our marriage.

    I suppose that is another post, though.

  • It’s Just a Toe

    On January 21, I had a permanent matrixectomy on my left big toe. And for eight weeks and two days, I completely avoided posting any public pictures of that toe– it was gross.

    But Friday morning, March 20, I woke up and saw when I looked at my feet that there was no 1/2 inch square scab in the bottom left hand corner as had been there the night before, when I went to sleep.

    So, bored on Friday afternoon, I took the above photo with my phone, and captioned it this on Facebook:

    “It took 1 day shy of exactly two months for my gimpy toe to have the 1/2 inch square scab to fall off, apparently in one fell swoop overnight. My toe feels no different, and I didn’t feel it happen, but my big toe looks so weird without a nail or anything there even though I’ve known for 2 months this was the goal.

    To me it looks like I just have pink fingernail polish on that one toe.

    I spared y’all all the photos I took of the gore as it was in progress over the past two months— it was really gross especially about the 2-week mark. But I couldn’t resist this one.”

    And I thought nothing more about it, until I saw on Saturday that the post had 20k something views.

    As of this writing, Monday afternoon March 23, that post has had 73,212 views.

    The lone negative comment was that I needed clean my shoe, which if anybody knows anything about Birkenstocks, that is a nonissue.

    And honesty time: Had I known that that photo was going to go mini-viral: I would have gotten out the good camera. I would have trimmed on that second toe which is not quite straight with its nail, where the right side of the nail skims upwards slightly. I would have gotten the green strap from my physical therapy off the coffee table behind my foot. I would have probably, yes, worn different shoes or better yet, no shoe at all.

    It’s just a toe, people.

    But it is pretty funny that a stadium or two’s worth of people find it fascinating to look at a toe without a toenail.

    I posted the following as part of the comments:

    “Since people seem to like this post, the back story: This toenail had been giving me ingrown problems at that top left corner since I was 13 years old, and had become fungal to the point it had stopped growing over a year ago. It was so thick that I could no longer cut it at all myself. At age 46, I said enough and went to the podiatrist for a matrixectomy. I did try the prescription anti fungal lacquer and Vicks and ketoconazole cream prior to giving up. 

    I am extremely squeamish about people messing with my toes and especially my toenails. I told my doctor about my phobia, and she was very compassionate both with local anesthesia and patient with me. My doctor was great, and the whole procedure after insurance (admittedly, we do have good insurance) cost about $346 out of pocket. 

    I took Tylenol for the first two days but after that needed no pain meds, and I did have to wear flip flops (not these Birks) in the dead of winter (procedure was January 21) for a long time, and in awkward social situations at times. 

    But, for a lifetime of not having to deal with that toenail anymore….100% worth it.”

    Thankfully, most comments have been kind; a few people have shared their own feet or tips for future use as my foot settles.

    But really, people. It’s just a toe.

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