The separation process was natural with the structure of the day; as it should be.
And somehow: as I have sobbed, and teared up at inopportune times: I am feeling really good about leaving him in Grinnell now.
Even if it is over 900 miles away from home. Even if it is Iowa. Even if we are leaving him with trips to Walmart to make. Even if he will have to remake his bed with his mattress protector later whenever he decides to do that. I am glad I don’t have to know if it is tonight or next week. That is as it should be.
A staff member ushered him over to a table game group after we got back to the science building; a good time for us to make our way to the room where families and parents of students had their session.
I am grateful today has felt all about getting him ready. I am beyond grateful that he gets to be a part of the Grinnell Science Project cohort, and having the opportunity to move in a week early is among the privileges he’s experiencing that I am deeply grateful for.
And he is ready; and we are ready.
And we will see him in a month and a half for parents and families weekend.
Jared and I walked a good portion of downtown tonight after saying goodbye, including the bit of Broad Street by Central Park we used to walk lots 2005-2007 with Tinkerbell and just us and then with baby Porter, and surreal doesn’t begin to describe the sensation of remembering what it was having walked those same sidewalks twenty-one years previously, when children were a someday dream.
We are so very proud of all of our children, and Liam is off on a grand adventure.
The middle kid is the grounding force of a family. 
And all of a sudden we are on I-80 between Des Moines and Newton, Iowa where we will stop for Walmart to get Liam‘s tires rotated and we’re passing Mitchellville, Iowa and all of a sudden I am flashing back to when I was on the way home from ING from Des Moines about this time of day after having quit because I was pregnant and I didn’t think that I could work in a call center even if it was a Series 6-licenses job, with all the terrible morning sickness I was having at the time. I didn’t know what I was gonna do and then two weeks later I found out that I was having a miscarriage.
I thought of Mary and Red Cross chapter in Marshalltown when we passed the Highway 65 exit for Marshalltown and I’m remembering that I’m terrified for Liam not because of Grinnell College at all but because I hated Iowa because I was so far away from home and I really don’t know if I can let our baby stay here. I’m terrified he is gonna hate this like I did and I remember the early days of our marriage because we were newlyweds and Jared’s dear Mama had died and I was also sad and I just didn’t even know if our marriage was gonna survive and then all of a sudden there was a newborn in the NICU and Sara came and sat with me and Lindsey brought the kids to the NICU to see the baby. All I wanted to do is go home and all of a sudden the job at Fernbank opened up and it was my ticket home.
I had not counted on the idea at all that bringing Liam to Grinnell was gonna remind me of how much I hated Iowa because reality is I have been complaining for weeks and months and years that I felt like I didn’t have a place to Carrollton, but it was worse in Iowa. And all I’ve really wanted for twenty years is to be back in Atlanta.
And I have to remember that this is not about me and Liam carries absolutely no baggage about Grinnell or Iowa or the newlywed days or even Porter in the NICU; that Liam wasn’t more than a dream in our head at the time and that he will be just fine and that this is an adventure for him. And at the same time, I’m glad that we’re here because it reminds me, too, that a place is just a place is a place and the people are what matters. There were some lovely people that we met in Grinnell and I hated to leave them when we moved away to Georgia.
But this drive that is so familiar to me because it’s so many trips to ING and to church at Westminster Presbyterian and Des Moines and back-and-forth to Blank Children’s Hospital and shopping and the million other reasons we found ourselves in Des Moines weekend after weekend or even on weeknights; on Wednesday nights.
I don’t know how many times I made this trip but the road is all tore up in ways I don’t remember it being in 2005. And I missed the turn for 235 because my way was telling me that I really should keep going on and I forgot that 235 is actually a shortcut and Liam tried to tell me by getting over into the other lane that we should get off and I totally miss that.
But the landscape isn’t completely familiar because there are new buildings and new hotels and things that weren’t there twenty years ago. The Walmart in Newton, Iowa is there on Iowa Speedway now and I have recollections of a Speedway being built in Newton, Iowa for NASCAR when we were here, but Walmart was not on Iowa Speedway Road. So I don’t know if there’s a new Walmart in Iowa or if the Walmart the highway has been renamed don’t know but I’m hoping that Aldi is still there and I’m trying not to be a mess.
And we’re in Newton, Iowa getting Liam’s tires rotated at Walmart and I forgot how much I would stick out like a sore thumb with the way I dress here; with my septum and nostril piercings and too much jewelry and leggings. And the Walmart is indeed the same Walmart just the road name has changed. And the Aldi is a newer bigger building across the street from Walmart instead of being up on Highway 6 like I remembered. And Aldi here is much, much bigger and nicer and I scored a blue jean dress in the Aisle of Shame at Aldi because not much is more midwestern fashion than a blue jean dress and that won’t make it to Aldi in Georgia, I am certain.
The middle kid is a grounding force for a family and Liam is certainly that and I feel like I am losing my center of locus.
Except everything is different enough here— even if fashion sense is definitely the same— that this trip we are on feels like a different, newer adventure that it is, not some return to the scene of new marriage difficulties.
I’m pretty sure I have waited in this waiting room of the tire center in the Walmart of Newton, Iowa before. Except this time, the marriage did last, I’m sitting by a child I was pretty sure would never exist when I was swearing Porter would be an only child after those NICU days. And that child isn’t a child himself anymore: he is a young man who thankfully is more amused than embarrassed to have his parents along for the current ride.
And somebody moved my cheese again: the lug nuts are stripped on Liam’s tires, so no rotation today.
This is the point where I am grateful Jared still knows people in Grinnell for mechanic recommendations.
But we are here; and I do not actually want 515 Broad Street back because apparently the A/C is dead as evidenced by the window units now throughout the house. That little house I loved so well looks positively so awful it is unrecognizable.
And a last minute upgrade at Hotel Grinnell means we are here for both nights instead of having to switch hotels at the last minute.
You can’t go home, but you can take a kid to college. And survive the experience relatively unscathed.
Errands. Last minute dorm supplies. Taking care of house stuff. Packing.
I am still a mess. Something has shifted, some thing probably permanent.
But I got it together enough to get out of the house to do what must be done to get us to Grinnell.
Liam said on the way home from Walmart, “Just think about what it will be like when Oliver moves out.”
Yeah.
My house is my refuge; my dog is my therapy. My bed is my hiding place; my husband is my safe space.
My camera is my lifeline.
I am in laser focus; thank you to those of you who have reached out. I am pretty much in social hibernation mode through Sunday. Right now it is about getting done what has to be done, ignoring the rest.
And a memory popped up: Porter going into third grade; Liam into first.
And now I get it: the days are gone. What’s done is done. I can hope we did our best. I don’t know.
The sand beneath my feet has shifted; my cheese has moved.
And while I’m out here looking for whatever I’m looking for, first day photos are happening. Kids are being mean to Oliver at cross country. Everyone has their spots in life.
While others seem to fall into something naturally, or by happenstance, or because they know somebody, or because they’re lucky: seems I’m to make my own.
I always knew motherhood was an add-on identity. It became a crutch for eighteen years once I left full-time work. An easy-to-fall-back-on label.
I’ll always be a mom.
But here’s the secret that isn’t so secret: my particular goal was never to be the stay-at-home mom, the room mom that is always present at every function, the runs-the-perfect-house mom, the always-put-together mom.
Which is good, because that was and is not me.
So this whole children leaving the nest thing is hitting me harder than planned.
And it feels like a double-whammy, because I am forcing a professional identity reckoning, too.
And maybe this was always coming: maybe I used my children as an emotional escape hatch to avoid the terror that came with an SSDI label.
Maybe I used motherhood to feel some semblance of normalcy in this hometown that, if I’m honest, stopped feeling hospitable about 2010 or so. About the time I left work full-time, embracing a different sort of lifestyle not by choice.
And stripping myself of that daily need two of the three children of ours don’t have anymore…. it forces me to understand that this being different, this drive to escape….it’s been there a long, long time.
It was one of the driving forces that sent me away from Carrollton, Georgia in 1998 to begin with.
You can’t ever go home. Ever.
And so: I will write. I will take photos. If client work comes great, if not, fine.
None of us went to bed until after 2 AM last night. The Saturday night before school starts. Jared says I couldn’t bear to go to bed without Porter in the house. He’s probably right.
I am having my favorite Dubai style chocolate from Aldi for the second night in a row tonight.
Jared and I got in a massive fight about 6 PM tonight. After I started job-hunting, which is always a sign that I am not in a good headspace.
I know I am unemployable in Carrollton; I know because I have applied for jobs at most major establishments over the years, that I am unemployable in my own hometown.
I know that, despite having grown up here, more people know my husband than know me in this town at this point. More people like him than me, for sure, at this point.
The good that I am to Carrollton, Georgia is that I brought my husband here. That my children went to school here. I’ve known that for a really, really long time.
And it’s a natural “there’s no place for me now” stage to go through, as children age out of the house.
This is more of the same that I’ve dealt with since 2011. At least for fifteen years I was some good, needed, as a mother.
Now, there is one child that is mostly self-sufficient and I am not needed except as chauffeur.
And I have plans for the Fall that don’t involve getting a job. Even if that’s what I really want. I know I’m unemployable.
And the trip to Grinnell will be a highlight of the year: a trip to take our child to college, yes. But also: a reminder that once, I had guts that few people do— I met a man on the internet who lived in Grinnell, Iowa while living in McDonough, Georgia, and once a month between September of 2003 and April of 2005 one of us traveled once a month to visit, until I joined him to live in Grinnell for two full years when we got married. A time of high adventure and proof that once upon a time, I had a life that wasn’t boredom and isolation. A life that seems fifteen lifetimes ago.
Grinnell is not the same anymore but it will still be Dari Barn season when we arrive—some things don’t change— and we will stay one night in the building where we paid our city water bill, now a swanky hotel.
People have asked time and again how Liam knew to apply to Grinnell and it’s utterly incredulous to me to think back to remember that we have lived in Carrollton long enough that most people here don’t know that Jared worked for four years for Grinnell College. But it’s true: Jared would likely still be in Iowa or some other midwest state– he had never stepped foot in the state of Georgia, in fact– if we hadn’t met. We wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t mistakenly thought that moving back to Carrollton, Georgia would somehow heal over some of the scars of college and early motherhood. I know better now– that was up to me to heal myself; familiarity breeds contempt.
And when we get back: I will attempt to throw myself into my grand Fall plans, pretending to have a life. Pretending that all is okay. Pretending that it doesn’t matter that I am unemployable; pretending to be a photographer; pretending to care about housework.Pretending to feel okay that transitioning from one stage of motherhood to another is not one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
And I will pretend that I don’t yearn to have an condo fifty miles away from our house because my husband has a good job here and because my youngest child wants to graduate from Carrollton, despite the fact that the community that loves on us most is in Atlanta, which is why I spend at least two or three days a week there and if I have my way, it will be at least four days a week this Fall.
There is no place for me in my hometown. I’ve known that since shortly after we moved back here in 2007.
Abby and I are settling into a routine. We are a pair, in 2026.
And I guess, we have been a pair since 2013, and I’ve had phases where I tried to dissociate. I would beckon the boys to take her out; I would beg Jared to tend to her; I went through whole seasons where I let the rest of the household make sure she was fed and had water.
Something snapped when we lost Trixie.
And since July 14, 2026, with only a few exceptions, it has been me to take her outside.
And we don’t go stand right outside the front door: we walk the entirety of our corner lot. Just about every time.
And this pup that has lived most of her life on dry food now gets Kirkland Oven-Roasted Refrigerated Human-Grade chicken-based fresh food, with our vet’s approval, for three solid meals every day.
And whether I am tired or not, whether I plan to sleep in or not, I get up and take her out at or before 7 AM. I might go back to sleep, but Abby is lifted off her perch at my feet on the bed (she doesn’t jump on the bed anymore), and carried to the front door to go outside. Most mornings when we come back in, she immediately gets her breakfast instead of having to wait until I am ready to eat.
And her bowl goes into the dishwasher with our dishes every night.
And she goes out probably seven times every day.
She has had one puppy pad use since July 14 and I am sure that is some time I forgot or was late taking her out. The two unused puppy pads currently sitting in their spot were put there on July 14, after I changed them after Trixie left the house the last time.
Abby is definitely still house trained.
And she has settled into an outside walking rhythm that is different than when we used to go outside with Trixie: often she wants to walk to the left at the front of the driveway, walking the entire length of our front yard to the other side of the circular driveway, instead of bolting for the stop sign at the corner of the yard, which was her regular haunt with Trixie.
And we go out twice before bed; once just before it gets too dark to walk to the end of the street— I am afraid of wild animals because of our heavily wooded neighborhood— and then once again just to the bottom of the front steps in the front yard just before we head to the bedroom for the night.
And, I am clinging to Abby, because she will be one of the child-babies left in the house; she will still need me on a daily basis in a month.
It is Abby who is carrying me through the transition to life without Trixie; this week it will also be Abby who carries me through the transition to life without our big boys living full-time at home with us as they go off to college.
Since she was a puppy, I have resisted making Abby be a go-everywhere kind of pup. I really got lazy in most of her years.
But I am the one who feeds her now. Most of the time I am the one seeing to her and the cats’ water. I am the one who takes her out 99 percent of the time now; I am the one who lifts her onto the bed at night; I am the one who lifts her off the bed in the morning.
I splurged at her last grooming, a few days after we lost Trixie, and got her a bougie matching Furlou padded harness and leash.
But, she doesn’t wear it 24/7. The harness only comes on and off when we are going outside. She doesn’t love the on or off process, but she tolerates it: I think going harness-free most of the time is a great tradeoff that she happily accepts.
And yes, somewhere in the back of my mind, despite our vet assuring me that dogs in her condition and breed can live to be up to 20 years old: somewhere in my mind I know I am overcompensating right now since we lost Trixie.
I am still grieving. And I am grieving the half-empty house that is soon to come.
But, Abby is my therapy dog. She has seen me through my last pregnancy; through the baby and toddler years with Oliver; through the aftermath of bankruptcy; through the loss of my grandmother.
It is Abby that insisted on sleeping with me through the hard years at Holmes Drive, when I would do my best to edge her closer to Jared, away from me, in the bed, even when she knew I desperately needed her in my depression. She has seen me through the years of trying to essentially buy myself into a photography business; she is seeing me through my angst of not knowing what to do even though I have writing goals now.
Abby is the one here sitting at my feet as I know that the photography is likely not an actual career path: she is the one who is here as I realize that mediocre talent is not going to make people want to hire me; that I am generally only good for the free photography I have offered friends over the years. She is the one who is here while I swallow my pride and realize that success in my particular life does not equal how high a salary I have brought in; it does not equal a professional life that people envy.
Abby is the one who is here as I sit with and try to internalize that the playing field was never equal: I have battled physical, mental, and social demons that most people never encounter in their lifetimes.
And now, Abby is 13 years old. And I am determined to see that her senior years: whether there are a few months or whether we do indeed have six-plus years left with her: She is going to be treated like the princess she always was.
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