• Being a Responsible Grownup for Once

    So, I did the responsible thing. I am now a single-camera photographer, and I now only have the lenses I will actually use, and we can fill out our budget for the month and pay off some debt while we’re at it. 

    And that also means I am solidly out of the event photography space. 

    I tried to buy myself an identity as a professional photographer, before I eventually circled around to the vocation I originally wanted to begin with: blogging. 

    It took me 18 months or so of back-and-forth to finally wrangle myself out of professional photography. I was low-key kidding myself that the idea of photographing weddings or events with the X-S20, even two of them, was a good idea, anyway. 

    And I went back and forth with myself over selling the second body and the two telephoto lenses for a good long while. Even after I was ready to sell them last week, Jared made me sit on the thought for a full extra week. 

    It’s not a great thing when the buyer at KEH knows who you are by name, as he did me yesterday.

    The gear churning thing has been going on in my case for 13 years. That’s a lot of gear turnover. It was a lot of trying to figure out exactly what style of photography I am interested in; a lot of feeling like I needed to “keep up with the Joneses” of the photography world to prove myself and fit in in ways that never quite happened; a lot of trying to force myself into roles and spaces that aren’t really for me. A lot of wasted money.

    A lot of wasted money over 13 years. 

    And admittedly: the camera technology changes within that 13-year period have been head-spinning. When I started trying to justify camera purchases back in 2012 or so, other local photographers I knew looked down on me because I gravitated toward mirrorless cameras. I definitely felt less-than on more occasions than I can count even though I loved my gear. 

    It’s still pretty funny to me that, when I was gravitating toward mirrorless immediately upon getting into photography in 2011, the rest of the photography world is finally into it, too and DSLR’s are mostly ancient technology now. 

    I did learn a lot the hard way, and I’m trying to be smarter now. 

    I kept a single X-S20 body, the XF 16-55mm f2.8 II, the Viltrox Pro 27mm f1.2, and the XF 50mm f1 lenses. I still have at least 4 Minolta vintage lenses and 2 Cinelux projection lenses too, including the yummy 85mm. I still have my Godox V1F flash. 

    And I just decided I don’t need longer lenses. I don’t enjoy wildlife photography; I’m not physically in the shape to do events anymore. Documentary photography was my first passion and if I’d trusted myself way back in 2012, that’s all I ever would have stuck with to begin with. I can photograph the ducks with the 50mm f1. The 16-55mm f2.8 II has been a more-than-adequate replacement not only for the 16-50mm f2.8-4.8 it replaced, but also it reminds me just enough of my old GF 45-100mm f4 but with the bonus of closer focusing that finally, I do not regret the downgrade back to X Series from GFX. And the Viltrox 27mm f1.2 and XF 50mm f1 definitely make up for the medium format bokeh I lost. 

    Live and learn. I’ve done plenty of that. Jared says none of it was wasted; I learned my tools and photography while I was at it. The expensive way, but I did learn my tools. He’s not wrong there. 

    Jared is way kinder than I deserve. There was actually gracious plenty of embarrassing waste. 

    As a blogger now, I do not need every focal length in the world to tell my stories. I need the right tools. And I’ve got pretty stellar ones. 

    And as for the remaining X-S20: We are making our peace. I’m getting used to the lightness of the X-S20 and the 26mp sensor, and I even finally figured out how to not hate the ISO button on top. I have a silicone skin on my X-S20 so it doesn’t feel so plasticky, which is the worst of the problems from downgrading from the flagship Fuji bodies. 

    I do not need flagship camera bodies moving forward. I just don’t. I didn’t need them to begin with. I don’t spend time out in the elements; I won’t be doing event photography. Camera technology and the variety of cameras available now in 2026 means that it doesn’t require the flagship camera to have even the latest technology in ways that were required a decade ago. Thank goodness. The X-S20 is even fine for video. The X-S line will be super-sufficient moving forward. 

    It’s not quite true that I am a single-camera photographer, either: I still have the Minolta X-E5 that my parents gave me, that they bought to take pictures of me when I was born. And the Yashica Mat-124G that I found on shopgoodwill.com in 2018 or so. And I have a variety of point and shoots that belonged to my grandfather in the 1980s probably, and I still have, in working order, his Ansco Shur-Flash from the 1960s. 

    The film cameras might come out more often now, actually, now that I am more interested in photography for personal purposes. 

    Trying to be a grown-up about a lot of things these days. It only took nearly 47 years. Too long, but got to start somewhere.

  • More House Drama

    I said in my last post there was house drama. 

    I didn’t waste time creating some more house drama at home, in figuring out exactly what we can do to make our own house more appealing, instead of ditching the whole thing and taking a dramatic loss on our equity to move elsewhere

    I do still love our house. It is still my dream house. 

    First up: tree work. We’re having about seven zones of tree growth taken out in our yard sometime in November or December, and several other branches cut back. 

    Our yard is a mess, and a constant project we mostly ignore. 

    The Bradford Pear by our mailbox in the photo above is going, the entire island of growth at the corner of our yard, that sprouted up in the daffodil bed by the stop sign, is going. A tree that is growing toward the house, that has branches touching the house, by the corner of the driveway turnaround, is going. Two small trees close to the driveway on the other side are going. An overgrown holly bush at the corner of our house by our garage is going because we can’t keep it cut back. Several trees in our front yard are getting trimmed back because they keep dropping dead branches. A stump from a previously cut tree at the corner of the house, as well as a dead bush that grew up in other stumps, is going.

    There’s another tree that is likely going, on the back side of the house, because it is dying and is overtaking the deck. 

    And, ultimately, a whole lot of other growth in the yard is going, too, but we have only had our tree guy, Cole with Arbor West, out for a quote so far. We have someone else coming to give us a quote on tearing out a whole bunch of overgrowth we can’t deal with anymore by our driveway, and potentially at the beds closer to the house depending on budget. 

    I’d ultimately like to do the same thing we did at the Holmes Drive house here: put down landscaping fabric or plastic in the beds closest to the house, put in some very small, tasteful, hardy bushes that won’t need tending for the foreseeable future, and fill in with the lighter colored rocks, and leave it all alone. 

    I do not have the interest or energy for a high maintenance yard. 

    The back is a whole project that is going to have to wait for years in the future. Not a top priority. Except for that tree that is dying that is overtaking the deck, because I do want to get the deck in usable shape. 

    I asked Jared to get the chainsaw out and take down the old swing frame that was left from the previous owners, as well as the stubs for the old fencing that appears to have never been put in on the other side, this afternoon. He says it is not a chainsaw sort of job but that we can see about it. Today is a good day for working out in the yard. And it’s up to me to spot him while he cleans out the gutters now, since the big boys are both gone off to school. Oliver is still really too little to hold the ladder for that particular job. We’ll tackle that job this afternoon probably if the rain holds off.

    I told Liam that we probably wouldn’t have to cut the grass until October when he cut it the week he left for Grinnell, but I’m probably cutting the corner segment this afternoon.

    Our yard has been embarrassing for a long time, and it’s time to do something about it. 

    I have a name to talk about a quote for tearing out the tile and putting down matching LVP in the kitchen and laundry and powder rooms.

    My house wizard helper cleaner extraordinaire is coming on Monday to help me get the inside of the house in presentable condition.

    I need to get serious about laundry after ignoring it most of the last couple of weeks, too. I do not know how Jared and I go through so much clothing in such a short time. Oliver’s laundry is remarkably under control, but ours is ridiculous.

    We talked to Liam this morning. He seemed bored to talk to us, but it was good to hear his voice. He said he’s met some nice people. He said the food is alright, good variety. 

    Porter is going out with friends tonight. I am glad he is getting out, even if I do worry. I will be glad when he has his own car to get around. 

    Oliver went to Cartersville for cross country this morning and while he was unhappy with his time, I’m just glad he’s participating. 

  • Housing Drama

    I frequently feel like turning our lives upside down.

    Recently this has looked like house hunting. Forget the fact that our house is not in show-ready condition. Forget that we’d need to do a lot to it that we want to do anyway, to get it in show-ready condition.

    Forget the fact that if it were in show-ready condition, I probably wouldn’t want to move anyway.

    House hunting is my sign that I need to work on my house.

    So, someone is coming Sunday or Monday to give me a quote on the major landscaping we want to have done.

    I have texted our tree guy about the couple of trees we want to have taken out and the several that need trimming back, and he’s coming soon to see what needs to be done.

    I am likely to tackle the painting of our house inside myself, and am on the active hunt for someone to paint the exterior, including the chimney. I want to go dark, like a charcoal or deep cocoa, to match the existing shutters, instead of the current cream color our trim is. While we do exterior painting, I want to replace gutters to match.

    The Everlife XL Cyrus Fauna LVP we had installed throughout the house is still in production, so I want to have the tile in the kitchen and laundry room and powder room replaced with that, to match the rest of the existing flooring. I’m actually thinking to keep the bathroom tile; it is super cute and cannot be replaced and in much better shape than the tile and grout in the kitchen and laundry rooms.

    I’d like to have beadboard on the laundry room walls, to cover the existing wallpaper. The wallpaper itself has grown on me quite a lot but there are spots that have had to be cut up or whatever over the years, prior to us moving in, that cannot be repaired. The powder room wallpaper is staying forever.

    It’s time to replace the combo microwave and oven wall unit that died circa 2022 (complete with Oliver’s chicken nuggets still in it, unable to retrieve– gross, I know) replaced. We’ve investigated that project before and it’s going to require woodworking magic because newer units do not come in the dimensions our older unit is. I have no idea how that will get accomplished and salvage our current cabinetry footprint.

    It’s time to give the deck and the outdoor furniture we never sit in a complete overhaul.

    It’s time to clean up the garage so we don’t track yard stuff in all the time into the laundry room.

    My house is nearly an empty nest, and it doesn’t actually require a downsize in our case. We have one of the golden 2.875% interest rates. The house itself is solid. I feel safe here. We live in a nice neighborhood.

    But, my brain goes searching for drama because it refuses to accept that maybe I’m safe; maybe things are actually going well in my life; maybe I can relax and be creative and just enjoy life.

    I’m considering re-claiming Porter’s room as an office, to tear down the faux wall/ bookshelf that our friend built us when we moved in, in 2021 ,so that Porter could have a room. We’d need to leave a day bed or something in there, but the wall could come down and we could redecorate. The house was sold as a 3-bedroom with an office and if we are staying here long-term, it would be lovely as just that.

    I think the windows throughout the house are actually fine, but the double doors in the living room need to be replaced.

    The house is long enough that it really needs a second AC unit altogether, for the boys’ end of the house.

    We need to see about the drainage around the house eventually. We had a French drain and sump pump installed under the house in 2024 and that is helping, but the exterior drains that were here prior to our purchasing the house are all clogged and probably need replacing eventually. That is not a today or even this decade project probably. But it’s on the list.

    We need to have driveway work done around the entire house, including something to prevent water from pooling in the center of the back driveway such that I do believe it is seeping into the ground causing moisture problems to the foundation on that side of the house. The front driveway needs to be repaired from sink holes and the front walkway probably needs to be entirely redone because of tree root or other moisture issues, not sure which.

    So today, I am plotting major projects that are constructive, instead of plotting ways to throw our equity down the drain. When we bought this house in November of 2021– a house that I picked out– I swore up and down this was going to be the home we died in, that we lived forever in. And by 2023 or so I was ready to throw all that away to move to Atlanta. Now I am circling back to the idea of staying, even as our children move out and onto bigger things in their own lives: this is a phenomenal footprint, ready for aging in place, two families already did that. And if I did all the work that needs to be done, then I wouldn’t even want to move anyway.

    Most of them won’t get done right away, though I am serious about the landscaping issues because I am tired of it looking like we live in a jungle in the middle of a nice neighborhood.

    But I can certainly dream, and I’ve got plenty to do regardless in the meantime.

    And just about the time we get all that done, I won’t want move at all ever, ever. And maybe it won’t all ever get done. But anything we do will be better than the alternative of just running away from it all.

    After all, this is my dream house. I haven’t seen any house that I’ve liked any better, it’s a great size, it’s great for entertaining even if we do it infrequently. And that 2.875% interest rate is irreplaceable.

    Separately, I am desperately trying to get my Fediverse traffic restored and it seems to be hopelessly broken. I don’t know how to fix it and it is very frustrating. WordPress.com updated me without permission or warning on July 19 and it has broken my Fediverse syndication. Still testing, @HolosDiscover@Holos.Discover.Social please follow me!

  • First World Problems

  • Realism

    My back is collapsing.

    More specifically, my right shoulder is collapsing forward and inward toward my left hip, while my left ribcage rotates to the right and collapses inward at the same time, while my spine is curved upward to the left at the bottom of my thoracic area and is curving to the right up by my neck. 

    It’s a whole thing.

    But, it feels more like just my ribcage collapsing and my left hip drawing upward. I am not conscious of the right shoulder issue at all, until I actively remember to hold my right shoulder down and back. And, that part isn’t painful. It might be more helpful in preventing it if it were painful, but it’s not, really. 

    But, I knew I was having more trouble holding my left shoulder up, and I knew for sure that when I lie down it is more difficult to get my knees to align with one another lying on my left side because of my hip, so back to physical therapy I went last week. And before I started the new exercise from physical therapy last week, I could feel the rotation and curving pivot point in my lower thoracic back, deep inside. I can’t describe it, but I could feel it. Not painful, definitely wrong. 

    My physical therapist used this tool to measure the degrees of my curvature. 

    She showed me after exactly what the measurement had looked like while she used it while I bent forward……she showed the tool inching to the left as expected, and then as I got to a cerrtain point it inched clear the other direction.

    Rotation.

    And so: those bars my Dad and Jared installed some months ago are now my lifeline and my primary project: At least twice a day I am to hang, on my knees from the floor, from the tallest bar I can reach with my left hand, with my right arm on the next bar down, letting my bottom just hang and gravity do its thing. It is so important that my physical therapist isn’t even worried about any of my other strength or balance exercises this week. 

    My physical therapist said after doing this once and her doing some massaging as I lie on my right side that she could already tell a difference for the better when I was getting ready to walk out of her office last week, in my posture. 

    And, three days later, I can, too: I realize now that my right shoulder has been falling forward. The gravity from the hanging is making me more cognizant of my left side, it has more feeling, and it is slightly easier to puff it out with my breathing exercises I do a lot even when I am not doing other exercises now, just sitting or walking around. It is easier to concentrate on putting my left shoulder blade in the correct place, which I have to do consciously or it just falls where it wants to fall, unsupported.

    See, the problem is, my spine was collapsing anyway. But I had this hysterectomy and my ovaries removed in May of 2025 and even though I am on estradiol, my hormones are in free-fall: my body is converting to old-lady format in speed mode. My physical therapist says my body will reach a new baseline, but what I do with it between now and then sort of determines exactly where that new baseline lands. 

    What I know is maybe it should scare me more than it does. It doesn’t though.

    Nor does back pain scare me; there is a baseline of pain whenever I move now in pretty much any direction, from any position. But I don’t think of it as pain exactly, at least not pain in an injured sort of way. I would know the difference. No, this is more of a “ooh, I am working this out” pain. Probably arthritis pain. I’ve had arthritis in my ribs since I was a teenager.

    Because I am keenly aware that yes, perhaps there are surgical alternatives. But: I know those surgical alternatives would come with less mobility and flexibility. 

    My upper back may be somewhat painful now, but every bit of that pain is a reminder that it still works, things still move. 

    And, I will take that soreness for the rest of my life to maintain the flexibility. Good pain means things still work. 

    That hanging though: I can do it for about 5-6 breaths. Then I have to let go, mostly because my grip strength is awful and I’m too lazy to take my rings off. And, I have to say: the sensation on my left side, where my left side has been bunched up and crunched and rotated for so long: the stretching of that feels gross and weird and wrong and slightly creepy-crawly in the mid-hang position. And it also feels deeply, deeply necessary. 

    My beloved large jute purse is a problem. I’d estimate that it is probably almost 3 pounds by itself, maybe more — maybe less, but probably not much.

    Add my camera, my computer, my notebooks, my daily carry stuff…… it gets heavy when it is fully loaded. 

    Jared carries it for me a lot these days when we go to Gallery Row. Or more accurately— I carry it out of stubbornness to Gallery Row because it is cute. Jared carries it back to the car for me when we head home.

    And the bag has very little in it when I am just out and about for the day…..most often the computer stays home unless I am going out to write elsewhere. I don’t always carry the camera even though I want to. Sometimes the notebooks stay home, too. 

    So, I am considering using my lighter purse options more often. Begrudgingly. 

    And speaking of writing, and photography, the time has come for a permanent business pivot, after months and years of floundering. 

    I closed my Google Business Profile yesterday. I filed for an NAICS code change for my LLC— it’s that official. I downgraded my gallery software to the free version since it was up for renewal this weekend, with limited storage. I removed the “portraits” page from my blog. I reached out to have my occupational tax business category amended.

    I’m good with it. I’m pivoting more to focusing on fine art photography and my writing. I’ve done three sessions this year, with only one being paid. I know it is no longer in my best interest to seek out wedding or event work— I was on my feet for three hours last week for a relatively stationary volunteer opportunity and that felt like a workout to my upper back by the end. I had to come straight home and lie flat on the floor to reverse the hump back feeling I had in my neck. And I wasn’t even holding anything but my lighest purse on my shoulder the whole time. 

    I’m under no illusions that blogging and writing will bring actual paid work though it would be nice, but I changed my NAICS code with the Georgia Secretary of State this weekend. Moving forward I am concentrating on blogging, fine art photography, and content creation. I’m considering myself more of an visual and written essayist moving forward. 

    I am on the fence daily about selling my second camera and parting with another lens or two. 

    That’s a hard one: since I started taking photography more seriously in 2012 or 2013, it has been deeply ingrained that keeping two camera bodies was the cardinal rule. But do I need them both in this season of life? Definitely not. Sunk cost is the only reason for keeping at least the second camera body and probably one of the lenses but if I am being real, our budget could use the funds from a sale. And I am trying to be more responsible with our budget these days. 

    And: I’m not sad about these changes. The reality is, I got a nice camera in 2011 because I wanted pretty photos to be able to have a blog. The blog was always the dream. And, now I have the blog. Photography was a detour and it was an awesome, unexpected detour and I learned a lot and met some really nice people. 

    And, I am mercurial, so tomorrow, I might decide to do professional photography again. Goodness knows, it has happened before.

    Regardless, realism is important. Settling into middle age, I am finding my introspection-out-loud feels like home, and feels more worthy at this stage of life than attempting to be a service provider. 

    And, mercurial or not, I am nothing if not a realist.