When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock
Ugh.
I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.
I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.
And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.
*sigh*
The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.
I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.
I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.
I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.
But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.
The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.
Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.
Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.
I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.
In April of 2017, I decided I wanted to photograph a wedding.
And, I refused to do it without getting a business license, creating an LLC, and securing business insurance.
For various reasons, I explored closing down the business 2 other times. I went the whole way– closed the LLC, closed the business bank account, closed the business license out…the whole nine yards. But each time, I found myself ready to dive back in.
This time feels different.
I have sold off one GFX body and 3 lenses. I have downgraded to a Fuji X-S20 as my every day carry camera, though we’ll see how long that lasts because going back to APS-C after nearly 4 years of Fuji medium format is HARD.
48 weddings. Well over 100 portrait sessions. 74 clients in my client database.
Eight years is probably pretty good for as part-time a photographer as I have been.
And, it’s no secret: I am depressed. But, I don’t think closing the business is a symptom of that depression. The depression might be partially part of the result of closing the business, but it is the right decision.
At Liam’s senior session, which he was fabulously attentive for, I was paying careful attention to how I felt in that session. Was closing down the business the right decision?
And, I can honestly say, yes. While I was thrilled to photograph my own child’s senior session, it was very apparent that my head, and my heart, are just not in the game anymore.
I am still a photographer. It is in my blood; I cannot be without a camera. It is highly likely I cannot be without a medium format camera at this point, even.
In 2012 I took my first photography class. It was a documentary photography class.
That class introduced me to my passion. My heart is in documenting life as it happens, in objects as they are; not in posed photography.
We had to pick a documentary photographer to try to emulate.
I remember my instructor asking, in a way that she meant as a compliment, if one of my photographs was mine or the star photographer I’d chosen. She said, “Did you hear what I just said?” She knew her compliment hadn’t really registered. Compliments rarely do with me.
I think maybe I have shortchanged myself in trying to pigeonhole myself into the conventional way of being a photographer.
Kevin Mullins was always the wedding photographer I admired the most. He shows up with small Fuji cameras and refuses to do the posed shots. Everything is candid. If I could convince people those were the shots they will treasure, then I would photograph weddings forever.
I’m not sure the X-S20 is the final stop on the gear rotation. I’m not loving the viewfinder. I’m not loving the APS-C sensor though it is okay with my beloved Cinelux lens. I still sort of want a GFX 100RF. I know the X100 series won’t satisfy me.
And, I’m not sure what is next. I still carry a camera with me in my purse everywhere I go even though I rarely get it out.
It has been a deep honor to photograph so many memories. It has been a privilege to be a part of 48 weddings. I have been the sole visitor waiting on a baby to be born so that I could photograph the first moments in the room, and I sent my camera into the delivery room so Dad could photograph first moments just after the c-section.
I have steamed dresses. I have made bouquets. I have calmed brides. I have on rare occasions adjusted timelines. I have fetched Jared to film weddings impromptu at the last minute.
I didn’t realize in 2017 that I would stick it out for the better part of 8 years. I didn’t realize I would sink so much money into trying to build a business that would never become profitable. I didn’t realize I would pay so much money to be a professional photographer. It cost quite a lot to give people the good deals I gave on sessions; debt we will be paying off for years and years.
And truth be told, if I could go back to about 2014 or so, I would tell myself to forget trying to be what I wasn’t. Keeping up with the Joneses of photography is a no-win proposition.
I’ve stopped looking at the photography forums. I don’t keep up with the Click Community like I did for so many years.
I don’t know what is next. The external job thing wasn’t a good fit; professional photography isn’t meant to be, either.
I intend to pour my heart and soul into this little blog as much as I used to do in 2010-2013 or so when photography overshadowed my writing.
I intend to unearth the mounds of ghosts that enrage my heart, because goodness knows the rage is real and it is time that I stop taking it out on my precious husband.
But one thing is for sure: I am pretty much done trying to be something I am not. I am a very particular sort of photographer, just like I am a very particular sort of writer, just like I am a very particular sort of woman.
I am not to everybody’s tastes. And that is okay.
And yes, I’ve seen some shit. And I’ve been through a lot of stuff that would quite surprise a lot of people who only know me very superficially through my children or through my photography.
And I will probably write about some of that stuff, too. Because I just cannot care what people think anymore. It just doesn’t work.
Four weeks and two days after my hysterectomy, I am finally feeling okay enough to do some light exercise. So, today:
five minutes on the stationary bike
20 chest fly’s
15 reps of my five physical therapy stretch band arm exercises
I’m feeling pretty great about all that, if a little tired after.
Jared and I got out to the lake last night and I got a sort-of interesting shot with the help of some lens flare:
I was feeling sort of bummed last night. At the lake, I also tested some of my lenses on one of my cameras that has been fussy about its autofocus capabilities lately…..as in, sometimes the autofocus doesn’t work. I’d been planning to sell one of my cameras to help pay down some of our debt, but obviously I can’t sell a camera that might not be at its best. And I would send it to Edison, NJ for repair if I could reliably get the problem to replicate but it doesn’t always malfunction. So when I took this photo, I was sort of in a mood. The lens flare, though somewhat interesting, also captured the hazy frustration I was feeling.
But this morning, I remembered that I do have a good number of manual focus lenses: I love my Minolta and my Cinelux lenses! And, the camera works just fine in manual focus. So, it appears that moving forward I will simply have a manual focus Fuji GFX camera and a GFX camera that I use my native lenses with. Not ideal for my plan to pay down our debt, but it does make use of my current gear and is probably a pretty darn good plan moving forward.
Sometimes I have brief flickers of just selling all my photo gear and getting out of photography altogether. I know that is not likely healthy, and I know I’d likely just want to start up again probably less than a year after I got out.
I’ve been struggling with my identity lately, and I know why.
In early adulthood, I associated my identity with my profession. It was not a healthy association, I realize, but it’s what happened.
And then, I qualified for SSDI based on my mental health needs. And so all of a sudden, there was no professional life, and no prospect for one.
And then, I found photography as a mental health outlet.
But then, I took on the idea that I should be a professional photographer, that THAT should be my professional life and identity.
And for the better part of eight years on and off, I have somewhat pigeonholed myself into a part-time version of just that: professional photographer.
Except, now it’s time to do away with the photography business.
I have considered selling some of my gear and downgrading to less bulky and expensive gear in the aftermath, both to pay down some debt but also to sort of step away from the role of professional, in gear as well as identity.
But the reality is: I will always be a photographer, whether I make any money from the endeavor, or not. It’s part of who I am at this point.
And, I absolutely adore my cameras. They are big, but they are big because they are medium format and as far as medium format goes, they are not that big.
And I love the bokeh, and all my lenses– both brand and adapted.
Jared and I have taken a number of steps in the past month to be much more fiscally responsible. Closing down the photography business will help with that, as well. The best thing I can do is not acquire more gear, and continue enjoying and using the equipment I have. Offloading even a portion wouldn’t help in the ways I wish, as trading out gear is always a losing proposition – I definitely know that by now.
It’s hard to quantify and medical and pet expenses made it such that last month we still spent more than planned. But in the last month we have eliminated YouTube TV, Netflix, eight other entertainment type memberships, we spent $501.59 less in groceries between April and May, we spent $52.12 less in eating out. I made the decision this weekend to migrate the hosting of this website to another much cheaper service and that saved us another $100 a year.
We’ve made pretty immediate progress on getting our spending in order and that is much needed and promising. Our spending has long been out of control and the photography business contributed greatly to that end, unfortunately. It is no exaggeration to say that we incurred significant costs to support my business expenses, unfortunately.
It is rather astounding though: I have been shooting with my GFX 50sIIs (well, one of them anyway) for 3.5 years. That’s longer than I have stuck with any single camera ever, since the original Sony Alpha NEX 5N. So there is some progress there, at least.
This identity struggle though: it is rough. I struggle to embrace the role of housewife and mother. I’ve raised a grown son and have another teen and a tween too, and the role of mother has never really felt completely natural, truth be told.
And I do know why it is: I idolized my grandmother and my aunt and my mother, and they all worked their whole lives.
It does not feel natural that I should not do the same. Even though Jared tells me it is fine that I do not, and that my value to him and to our family is in no way tied to my income.
So anyway, that’s the core of one of my major life’s struggles. I do not know if I would struggle in the same way if money were easier for us or not. I like to think that if we didn’t struggle with money, I would worry less about working. But somehow, I suspect that isn’t as relevant an issue as I often believe.
But, at least for today, I’ve settled the issue of whether I should keep the gear, and whether or not at my core I am still a photog.
Also, as an aside: Jared had the idea (that has given him much laughter over the last several days) at the Marina a few days ago that we should make a Duck Butt Blog. It came about when I was bemoaning the fact that the ducks were all putting their heads underwater to fish the other night, making them less picturesque. So I took photos of them with their heads underwater.
So, I came home, and not an hour and a half later, https://duckbutt.blog came into being. It’s a thing and will be an ongoing project. It makes Jared exceedingly happy to have this project even though I am the one who is doing the work, and apparently there is an audience for such, judging by the reaction on WordPress.
Anyway, that’s what’s happening in these parts.
Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy. See our Privacy Policy here: Privacy Policy.
