the turnaround

Last December, I had a series of experiences that shook my world.  

While the details are juicy, what happened doesn’t matter much anymore.  

I came away from that time in December confused. And hurt. And angry  

And maybe as I continue to write I will better be able to articulate why I was hurt and angry.  

Suffice it to say, I found out in December that someone a very long time ago, decades ago, chose greed over spending a lifetime with me.  

I got confirmation that a mindset shift I’d had with regard to that person in 2010 was accurate.  

And, in the aftermath of December, I experienced heartbreak all over again.  

I remembered that prior to marriage and creating a family with my husband, I had thrived on participating in interpersonal romantic drama.  

I remembered that while I have been a victim of trauma, I am a survivor.  

And, for six months, I mourned.  

I mourned for the version of my self that was too trusting in December.  

I mourned for the version of myself that was too trusting over two and a half decades ago.  

I got angry at my whole world– for some reasons justified.  

I have spent the last three months in the aftermath of my hysterectomy trying to pick up the pieces of myself and my world.  

I’ve faltered. I’ve fallen back into old patterns of doubting myself.  

And, I’ve felt sorry for myself an awful lot.  

I’ve learned some things about myself though:  

One of my best friends called me the most industrious person she knows not long ago.  

She’s right; I am industrious.  

I’m a survivor.  

I’m a talented writer and photographer, if I do say so myself.  

I have few friends, but I am a good friend.  

Jared says I can be funny.  

I have a near-indestructible marriage.  

I’m a good wife. I’m a good mom.  

There are still things to work on.  

Finding contentment where and as I am is a challenge. Probably the biggest challenge of my life.  

I am up to the task.

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I’ve only just begun to pick up the pieces, and I’ll be sharing the complete story of this journey in my Substack newsletter, “Tickle the Sun.”

My public posts will continue to be about the messy reality of my life, but in my paid Substack, I’ll be sharing the journal entries, the full stories, and the hard-won truths that come with living in the light.

You can join my free list for updates, or you can become a paid subscriber to get the gritty, behind-the-scenes stories I am ready to share now.