caroline price photography

Well, Caroline Price Photography is no more.

In April of 2017, I decided I wanted to photograph a wedding.

And, I refused to do it without getting a business license, creating an LLC, and securing business insurance.

For various reasons, I explored closing down the business 2 other times. I went the whole way– closed the LLC, closed the business bank account, closed the business license out…the whole nine yards. But each time, I found myself ready to dive back in.

This time feels different.

I have sold off one GFX body and 3 lenses. I have downgraded to a Fuji X-S20 as my every day carry camera, though we’ll see how long that lasts because going back to APS-C after nearly 4 years of Fuji medium format is HARD.

48 weddings. Well over 100 portrait sessions. 74 clients in my client database.

Eight years is probably pretty good for as part-time a photographer as I have been.

And, it’s no secret: I am depressed. But, I don’t think closing the business is a symptom of that depression. The depression might be partially part of the result of closing the business, but it is the right decision.

At Liam’s senior session, which he was fabulously attentive for, I was paying careful attention to how I felt in that session. Was closing down the business the right decision?

And, I can honestly say, yes. While I was thrilled to photograph my own child’s senior session, it was very apparent that my head, and my heart, are just not in the game anymore.

I am still a photographer. It is in my blood; I cannot be without a camera. It is highly likely I cannot be without a medium format camera at this point, even.

In 2012 I took my first photography class. It was a documentary photography class.

That class introduced me to my passion. My heart is in documenting life as it happens, in objects as they are; not in posed photography.

We had to pick a documentary photographer to try to emulate.

I remember my instructor asking, in a way that she meant as a compliment, if one of my photographs was mine or the star photographer I’d chosen. She said, “Did you hear what I just said?” She knew her compliment hadn’t really registered. Compliments rarely do with me.

I think maybe I have shortchanged myself in trying to pigeonhole myself into the conventional way of being a photographer.

Kevin Mullins was always the wedding photographer I admired the most. He shows up with small Fuji cameras and refuses to do the posed shots. Everything is candid. If I could convince people those were the shots they will treasure, then I would photograph weddings forever.

I’m not sure the X-S20 is the final stop on the gear rotation. I’m not loving the viewfinder. I’m not loving the APS-C sensor though it is okay with my beloved Cinelux lens. I still sort of want a GFX 100RF. I know the X100 series won’t satisfy me.

And, I’m not sure what is next. I still carry a camera with me in my purse everywhere I go even though I rarely get it out.

It has been a deep honor to photograph so many memories. It has been a privilege to be a part of 48 weddings. I have been the sole visitor waiting on a baby to be born so that I could photograph the first moments in the room, and I sent my camera into the delivery room so Dad could photograph first moments just after the c-section.

I have steamed dresses. I have made bouquets. I have calmed brides. I have on rare occasions adjusted timelines. I have fetched Jared to film weddings impromptu at the last minute.

I didn’t realize in 2017 that I would stick it out for the better part of 8 years. I didn’t realize I would sink so much money into trying to build a business that would never become profitable. I didn’t realize I would pay so much money to be a professional photographer. It cost quite a lot to give people the good deals I gave on sessions; debt we will be paying off for years and years.

And truth be told, if I could go back to about 2014 or so, I would tell myself to forget trying to be what I wasn’t. Keeping up with the Joneses of photography is a no-win proposition.

I’ve stopped looking at the photography forums. I don’t keep up with the Click Community like I did for so many years.

I don’t know what is next. The external job thing wasn’t a good fit; professional photography isn’t meant to be, either.

I intend to pour my heart and soul into this little blog as much as I used to do in 2010-2013 or so when photography overshadowed my writing.

I intend to unearth the mounds of ghosts that enrage my heart, because goodness knows the rage is real and it is time that I stop taking it out on my precious husband.

But one thing is for sure: I am pretty much done trying to be something I am not. I am a very particular sort of photographer, just like I am a very particular sort of writer, just like I am a very particular sort of woman.

I am not to everybody’s tastes. And that is okay.

And yes, I’ve seen some shit. And I’ve been through a lot of stuff that would quite surprise a lot of people who only know me very superficially through my children or through my photography.

And I will probably write about some of that stuff, too. Because I just cannot care what people think anymore. It just doesn’t work.