Tag: love

  • i should have told somebody

    **Trigger Warning:** This post contains sensitive material regarding domestic abuse, psychological torture, and suicidal ideation.

    What follows is a sample of the types of writing you can find at my blog, as well as my Substack.

    ________

    When I was 15, I didn’t think much about giving the boy sitting behind me in the lunch room my phone number.

    I mean, I was elated that he asked for it. But I didn’t think about the implications.

    He called me that afternoon, and we chatted for about 45 minutes.

    And he told me about his life, and his mom, and his plans for graduation— he was going to art school, thinking about a school in California or Florida.

    And when he asked me if I’d like to see a movie, I didn’t think much about it either. I was excited that a boy was asking me to go out with him for the first time ever.

    My friends were sort of conspiring to push us together. I knew it, too.

    He bought two tickets for ”Legends of the Fall” because he was 17. But I was 15, and the girlfriend going with us and his friend was 14, and we couldn’t buy the R-rated tickets. So even though he’d already bought two tickets, he turned around and bought another for himself to match the one I had for “Dumb and Dumber.” I found out about the other tickets later.

    He didn’t talk much, but when he did I adored the soft depth of his voice.

    But then, that soft, deep voice started telling me his dark secrets.

    And, for years upon years, I kept those dark secrets.

    He didn’t go to art school when he graduated. He waited for me to graduate, two years later. He went to art school, I went to GSU.

    He went to art school for a quarter, I should say.

    He hadn’t consulted me as to whether he should wait for me, for us to go to school together.

    So when I met someone else the night before classes started, and decided about a week later I wanted to go out with that person, I broke up with the first boy I’d kissed.

    I broke his heart.

    I can still see him standing outside the gate to my dorm complex, from the view from my floor.

    But maybe I should have told his dark secrets to somebody when I was 15.

    Because that boy could have had a free ride due to his mother’s employment, to a prestigious private university.

    But that boy was depressed and didn’t understand the value of a liberal arts education. He only saw the pressure: that his mom wanted him to go to that prestigious private university so that he could become a rich doctor, so he could support her.

    And maybe I should have told somebody that the stories that boy told me scared me.

    That it scared me when he told me about carving words in his chest.

    That it scared me when he told me about holding his mother’s gun in his mouth. That it petrified me when he told me the only reason he didn’t pull the trigger was that he couldn’t stand the idea of me standing over his coffin, crying.

    Maybe, if I’d told somebody, anybody, about some of that when I was 17, I wouldn’t have felt trapped when I was living with that boy when I was a 21-year old college student.

    Maybe I could have prevented him assaulting another boy, threatening him with a knife.

    Maybe I could have prevented the sneer in the police officer’s expression when he checked on me that night, telling that boy that no judge would take my word over his if the other boy decided to press charges.

    Maybe, just maybe, I could have prevented the psychological torture I went through myself when that boy figured out I was planning to leave.

    Because when I really started getting serious about leaving, that boy trapped me in the dark. He knew I was afraid of the dark. He inverted the locks to a section of our apartment, tripped the breaker. One night after I arrived home, finding the apartment dark, I found myself trapped in the locked portion of that apartment.

    I can still hear the sound of the door slamming behind me.

    I was pretty sure I was going to die that night.

    And I managed to save my own life by telling that boy I would stay. I knew there was no point in telling the police what had happened; it had been made clear the week before that I was trash for the boy to do with as he would.

    But the next day, I called my parents, telling them I needed rent money.

    __________

    This story is one piece of a much longer journey. If you’re ready to read more about the truth behind these moments and what I’ve learned about being a survivor, you can find the rest of the story at my Substack.

    Follow my journey at Tickle the Sun— https://www.ticklethesun.com.

  • the turnaround

    Last December, I had a series of experiences that shook my world.  

    While the details are juicy, what happened doesn’t matter much anymore.  

    I came away from that time in December confused. And hurt. And angry  

    And maybe as I continue to write I will better be able to articulate why I was hurt and angry.  

    Suffice it to say, I found out in December that someone a very long time ago, decades ago, chose greed over spending a lifetime with me.  

    I got confirmation that a mindset shift I’d had with regard to that person in 2010 was accurate.  

    And, in the aftermath of December, I experienced heartbreak all over again.  

    I remembered that prior to marriage and creating a family with my husband, I had thrived on participating in interpersonal romantic drama.  

    I remembered that while I have been a victim of trauma, I am a survivor.  

    And, for six months, I mourned.  

    I mourned for the version of my self that was too trusting in December.  

    I mourned for the version of myself that was too trusting over two and a half decades ago.  

    I got angry at my whole world– for some reasons justified.  

    I have spent the last three months in the aftermath of my hysterectomy trying to pick up the pieces of myself and my world.  

    I’ve faltered. I’ve fallen back into old patterns of doubting myself.  

    And, I’ve felt sorry for myself an awful lot.  

    I’ve learned some things about myself though:  

    One of my best friends called me the most industrious person she knows not long ago.  

    She’s right; I am industrious.  

    I’m a survivor.  

    I’m a talented writer and photographer, if I do say so myself.  

    I have few friends, but I am a good friend.  

    Jared says I can be funny.  

    I have a near-indestructible marriage.  

    I’m a good wife. I’m a good mom.  

    There are still things to work on.  

    Finding contentment where and as I am is a challenge. Probably the biggest challenge of my life.  

    I am up to the task.

    I’ve only just begun to pick up the pieces, and I’ll be sharing the complete story of this journey in my Substack newsletter, “Tickle the Sun.”

    My public posts will continue to be about the messy reality of my life, but in my paid Substack, I’ll be sharing the journal entries, the full stories, and the hard-won truths that come with living in the light.

    You can join my free list for updates, or you can become a paid subscriber to get the gritty, behind-the-scenes stories I am ready to share now.

  • nicu bay 20

    I am sitting here with Porter while he fills out the paperwork to take his driver’s test.

    Porter will turn 19 in just a couple of weeks.

    At this point over the past 19 years, I have said all this ad nauseum. But I am going to say it all again.

    I remember sitting in NICU Bay 20 at the University of Iowa Hospital about a week after Porter was born. It seemed like the monitors were going off constantly and I remember thinking “God, thank you for letting me be his mom for a week at least.”

    Oh Caroline, oh ye of little faith.

    This firstborn of ours has astounded me at every. single. turn.

    And this man— this man who wasn’t satisfied to have made the waitlist at UGA his first year, who really did want to show UGA he belonged there— this man will be attending the Honors College at UGA this Fall. We move him in on Friday.

    This man that is brilliant. And gentle. And kind. And loves his pup. And his friends. And his family.

    This man that fiercely loves his Mom.

    There are no words for how very proud I am of Porter.

    I wish I could go back and tell that 2006 version of myself all about the astounding things that baby would go on to accomplish. That breathing and a steady heart rate were just the start.

  • remembering to breathe

    Julio and Wanda at the Marina

    Life looks a little different than it did on July 3, my last post here.

    I tried working a job. A job that was tough and would have been harder than pretty much any full-time job I ever had, so I gave it up after a week of in-person training.

    I wanted to like it, I really did. We could have used the money.

    I am coming to terms with the fact that at 45 years old, there’s a lot in the working world that I have just missed out on growing with. And my tolerance for other people’s low standards is pretty low.

    So, I am going to focus on keeping expenses down. I am going to focus on writing. I am going to focus on working through my own bullshit. I am going to focus on my marriage and my children. I am going to focus on my mental health, which honestly could use some work right now. I am going to focus on my friends.

    Wanda and Julio are named Wanda and Julio because Jared says that is their names. Jared says he didn’t name the ducks; that he just tells me what their names are.

    It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons to find the good in the world lately. Jared says I never learned to see happy. I think he’s right.

    It doesn’t help that I haven’t been focused on our marriage in about a year or so. It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons. At times, I have been ready to walk away.

    Jared says he always sees the hard times as just singular moments. I have difficulty in seeing it that way. When I am upset, my world is consumed by the upset. I don’t see the world in shades of gray. Everything is wonderful or it is terrible. It’s the way my mind works. I’m pretty sure I was born like that though various traumas don’t help.

    I stopped writing in my journals about 9 months ago. It’s been a long time. I haven’t written much blog-wise in that time, either. I turned to AI therapy but it’s not great either. I don’t have a great deal of trust in real person therapists, though.

    It’s safe to say I just don’t have a great deal of trust. Period.

    Nine months ago I confronted a part of my past that I wasn’t quite ready to confront. I didn’t have a clear picture of what to expect, and I what happened wasn’t at all what I did expect.

    And to say that I’ve made any progress toward closure would be dead wrong.

    So, I am going to stop chasing closure.

    The reality is, in some situations there is no closure. There are no answers; there is not some happy ending coming in to save the day.

    There’s just tomorrow. And getting up and making breakfast and coffee. And mornings with my husband. And taking my youngest to school. And remembering to breathe.

    The remembering to breathe is the hard part.

    Nights at the Marina help.

    You can read more about me here.

  • struggling with my identity and things we’ve done to save money this month

    struggling with my identity and things we’ve done to save money this month

    I’ve been struggling with my identity lately, and I know why.

    In early adulthood, I associated my identity with my profession. It was not a healthy association, I realize, but it’s what happened.

    And then, I qualified for SSDI based on my mental health needs. And so all of a sudden, there was no professional life, and no prospect for one.

    And then, I found photography as a mental health outlet.

    But then, I took on the idea that I should be a professional photographer, that THAT should be my professional life and identity.

    And for the better part of eight years on and off, I have somewhat pigeonholed myself into a part-time version of just that: professional photographer.

    Except, now it’s time to do away with the photography business.

    I have considered selling some of my gear and downgrading to less bulky and expensive gear in the aftermath, both to pay down some debt but also to sort of step away from the role of professional, in gear as well as identity.

    But the reality is: I will always be a photographer, whether I make any money from the endeavor, or not. It’s part of who I am at this point.

    And, I absolutely adore my cameras. They are big, but they are big because they are medium format and as far as medium format goes, they are not that big.

    And I love the bokeh, and all my lenses– both brand and adapted.

    Jared and I have taken a number of steps in the past month to be much more fiscally responsible. Closing down the photography business will help with that, as well. The best thing I can do is not acquire more gear, and continue enjoying and using the equipment I have. Offloading even a portion wouldn’t help in the ways I wish, as trading out gear is always a losing proposition – I definitely know that by now.

    It’s hard to quantify and medical and pet expenses made it such that last month we still spent more than planned. But in the last month we have eliminated YouTube TV, Netflix, eight other entertainment type memberships, we spent $501.59 less in groceries between April and May, we spent $52.12 less in eating out. I made the decision this weekend to migrate the hosting of this website to another much cheaper service and that saved us another $100 a year.

    We’ve made pretty immediate progress on getting our spending in order and that is much needed and promising. Our spending has long been out of control and the photography business contributed greatly to that end, unfortunately. It is no exaggeration to say that we incurred significant costs to support my business expenses, unfortunately.

    It is rather astounding though: I have been shooting with my GFX 50sIIs (well, one of them anyway) for 3.5 years. That’s longer than I have stuck with any single camera ever, since the original Sony Alpha NEX 5N. So there is some progress there, at least.

    This identity struggle though: it is rough. I struggle to embrace the role of housewife and mother. I’ve raised a grown son and have another teen and a tween too, and the role of mother has never really felt completely natural, truth be told.

    And I do know why it is: I idolized my grandmother and my aunt and my mother, and they all worked their whole lives.

    It does not feel natural that I should not do the same. Even though Jared tells me it is fine that I do not, and that my value to him and to our family is in no way tied to my income.

    So anyway, that’s the core of one of my major life’s struggles. I do not know if I would struggle in the same way if money were easier for us or not. I like to think that if we didn’t struggle with money, I would worry less about working. But somehow, I suspect that isn’t as relevant an issue as I often believe.

    But, at least for today, I’ve settled the issue of whether I should keep the gear, and whether or not at my core I am still a photog.

    Also, as an aside: Jared had the idea (that has given him much laughter over the last several days) at the Marina a few days ago that we should make a Duck Butt Blog. It came about when I was bemoaning the fact that the ducks were all putting their heads underwater to fish the other night, making them less picturesque. So I took photos of them with their heads underwater.

    So, I came home, and not an hour and a half later, https://duckbutt.blog came into being. It’s a thing and will be an ongoing project. It makes Jared exceedingly happy to have this project even though I am the one who is doing the work, and apparently there is an audience for such, judging by the reaction on WordPress.

    Anyway, that’s what’s happening in these parts.