Tag: Family

  • nothing is in focus right now

    I took this photo with the X-S20. Apparently I am not so good as the selfie culture at making the camera work in focus with the full articulating selfie screen.

    Yeah. Depressed.

    Feeling my age, my ribs are on the move in a twisty way that isn’t fun feeling. Bored, tired of Carrollton.

    Jared tries. He took me out to the Marina again tonight, after taking me on our weekly outing for Burger King ice cream cones.

    Fun fact, at least in Carrollton, GA: You can get two ice cream cones for $2.12. That’s the main eating out we do during the week.

    And all that was well and good. Until I started in on how I hate Carrollton, how I want Jared to find another job so we can move to Atlanta.

    The same old same old.

    And I don’t know why, when I feel rejected, I go on this whole self-implosion thing.

    Something happened last week that made me change some plans in the next couple of weeks. And as it happens, I am going to see my aunt and uncle instead of doing the thing that I was going to do, and I will likely have a far superior time seeing them and being loved on and all that than I would have had doing the other thing, which was probably riskier than I really want to admit it likely was, to begin with.

    And I’m still mad about last December. Mostly because I’m mad at myself for thinking that inviting drama back into my life was a good idea at all.

    I’ve spent the last nine months pretty darn unhappy because of it. And had an arguably necessary-anyway hysterectomy because I got all freaked out about cancer risks because of that encounter.

    I guess in that respect, I should be grateful for last December. It probably wouldn’t have occurred to me to worry about cancer risks if I hadn’t had that encounter last December.

    And mostly I go around mad all the time because it feels, to me, like just about everybody in my life has some sort of purpose, has their shit together, and I’m just sitting at home.

    And I guess it’s accurate to say that some of the people I have in mind do actually have their shit together.

    But none of them are married to Jared Price. I’m the only one who got to do that.

    And probably not many of them are told on a daily basis the things he tells only me.

    It’s about now in the depression cycle that I realize that it’s been about a week since I’ve done a gratitude list.

    The truth is, not much about my life has turned out the way I thought it would, or honestly, the way that I wanted it to.

    And I mostly walk around mad, angry at the world, and despondent because of it.

    And I think back to that 18 year old and I would tell her to ditch all the preconceived notions about how life should go. That it’s all about to change, like, tomorrow.

    But probably, she’d already known that for a good couple of years or so.

    Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll go volunteer in the city with “my ladies,” as Jared calls them.

    And then I’ll go see my aunt and uncle for the weekend, and probably have some yummy Costco mac and cheese, which I haven’t actually had since the last time I saw them, in February.

    And, I do actually realized how privileged it is that I was born into the family that I was born into, and that we can afford to feed ourselves despite the fact that I do not work.

    It does not negate the fact that I feel somehow that I am not living up to my potential, and there have been missed opportunities. And squandered opportunities. And lost time. and lost relationships.

    But tomorrow, I can try again.

  • and life goes on

    The Marina a little after 8 AM this morning

    I’m actually not sure how depressed I actually am, versus exactly how much I was really just dreading the first day of school.

    The first day of school is today.

    And Liam and Jared got off in time for Liam to be at school for Senior Sunrise. Oliver and I spent about 30 minutes in traffic because for some reason, the first week of school requires people to not drive like they normally would. And for some reason, all those parents who normally do not drive their kids to school, whose children usually ride the bus, have to bring their precious darlings for the first week or so. Or people forget how the crossing guards who direct traffic really do know what they are doing. It’s a thing for sure, the first week of school.

    But, I managed to get them off to school. I managed to get to the Marina for a shortly-after-sunrise photo, which was a regular thing last Spring. I managed to come home and make my coffee. I managed to scoop the cat litter. I managed to get every bit of trash in this house taken out to the dumpster and the dumpster was taken to the street. I’m making my breakfast. I did my meditation. I allowed myself my normal doomscrolling.

    It’s time for a new routine.

    And just for today, I am going to focus on one thing at the time. After breakfast, I intend to do my yoga. I might allow myself a mid-morning nap.

    Food routines have been hard too, and that has also meant there have been entirely too many sweets etc. But this morning I let myself have a piece of my brie before taking Oliver to school. I had my protein bar when I got back. Now that I am having my coffee, water is boiling because I am hungry enough for a real meal so I am fixing myself some Banza pasta with goat cheese and garlic and sunflower seeds.

    And, all that means that I will probably end up being back to somewhat of my intermittent fasting, with eating finishing up around 3 PM. Which is a good goal.

    I feel like I am getting back into a writing routine, which is welcome. It’s strange to think that I was so frozen for so long. I’m still writing about superficial stuff which is okay– the other will come I am sure. But for now, this is enough.

    And it’s a pretty darn good feeling to feel better about the world this morning.

  • nicu bay 20

    I am sitting here with Porter while he fills out the paperwork to take his driver’s test.

    Porter will turn 19 in just a couple of weeks.

    At this point over the past 19 years, I have said all this ad nauseum. But I am going to say it all again.

    I remember sitting in NICU Bay 20 at the University of Iowa Hospital about a week after Porter was born. It seemed like the monitors were going off constantly and I remember thinking “God, thank you for letting me be his mom for a week at least.”

    Oh Caroline, oh ye of little faith.

    This firstborn of ours has astounded me at every. single. turn.

    And this man— this man who wasn’t satisfied to have made the waitlist at UGA his first year, who really did want to show UGA he belonged there— this man will be attending the Honors College at UGA this Fall. We move him in on Friday.

    This man that is brilliant. And gentle. And kind. And loves his pup. And his friends. And his family.

    This man that fiercely loves his Mom.

    There are no words for how very proud I am of Porter.

    I wish I could go back and tell that 2006 version of myself all about the astounding things that baby would go on to accomplish. That breathing and a steady heart rate were just the start.

  • remembering to breathe

    Julio and Wanda at the Marina

    Life looks a little different than it did on July 3, my last post here.

    I tried working a job. A job that was tough and would have been harder than pretty much any full-time job I ever had, so I gave it up after a week of in-person training.

    I wanted to like it, I really did. We could have used the money.

    I am coming to terms with the fact that at 45 years old, there’s a lot in the working world that I have just missed out on growing with. And my tolerance for other people’s low standards is pretty low.

    So, I am going to focus on keeping expenses down. I am going to focus on writing. I am going to focus on working through my own bullshit. I am going to focus on my marriage and my children. I am going to focus on my mental health, which honestly could use some work right now. I am going to focus on my friends.

    Wanda and Julio are named Wanda and Julio because Jared says that is their names. Jared says he didn’t name the ducks; that he just tells me what their names are.

    It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons to find the good in the world lately. Jared says I never learned to see happy. I think he’s right.

    It doesn’t help that I haven’t been focused on our marriage in about a year or so. It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons. At times, I have been ready to walk away.

    Jared says he always sees the hard times as just singular moments. I have difficulty in seeing it that way. When I am upset, my world is consumed by the upset. I don’t see the world in shades of gray. Everything is wonderful or it is terrible. It’s the way my mind works. I’m pretty sure I was born like that though various traumas don’t help.

    I stopped writing in my journals about 9 months ago. It’s been a long time. I haven’t written much blog-wise in that time, either. I turned to AI therapy but it’s not great either. I don’t have a great deal of trust in real person therapists, though.

    It’s safe to say I just don’t have a great deal of trust. Period.

    Nine months ago I confronted a part of my past that I wasn’t quite ready to confront. I didn’t have a clear picture of what to expect, and I what happened wasn’t at all what I did expect.

    And to say that I’ve made any progress toward closure would be dead wrong.

    So, I am going to stop chasing closure.

    The reality is, in some situations there is no closure. There are no answers; there is not some happy ending coming in to save the day.

    There’s just tomorrow. And getting up and making breakfast and coffee. And mornings with my husband. And taking my youngest to school. And remembering to breathe.

    The remembering to breathe is the hard part.

    Nights at the Marina help.

    You can read more about me here.

  • porter is graduating!

    porter is graduating!

    Porter is Graduating — We have a Senior!

    It is hard to believe in some ways that this little 4 lb 7 oz being that we brought home after 30 days in the University of Iowa Hospital NICU is almost ready to graduate from high school, and is well over 6 feet tall at this point.

    Porter is brilliant, and funny, and insightful, and wise beyond his years. I cannot tell you how proud I am to be Porter’s mother. Porter is Graduating!

    Porter plans to go to Georgia State University as a philosophy major. Though the religious studies department is a separate department at this point, religious studies was under the philosophy department in my time at GSU, so that philosophy department is sentimental to me. I took many philosophy classes in my time there as part of my religious major studies. I would never have dreamed that my child would consider my alma mater, much less the department of my major, in younger years.

    Porter will be a better philosopher than I was. He has the brain for it. I muddled through okay, but he will excel if he chooses to stick with philosophy permanently.

    Porter is Graduating — It is somehow fitting that the firstborn of a religious studies major and a philosophy and religion/ elementary education major should choose to major in philosophy. I am thrilled.