I am sitting here with Porter while he fills out the paperwork to take his driver’s test.
Porter will turn 19 in just a couple of weeks.
At this point over the past 19 years, I have said all this ad nauseum. But I am going to say it all again.
I remember sitting in NICU Bay 20 at the University of Iowa Hospital about a week after Porter was born. It seemed like the monitors were going off constantly and I remember thinking “God, thank you for letting me be his mom for a week at least.”
Oh Caroline, oh ye of little faith.
This firstborn of ours has astounded me at every. single. turn.
And this man— this man who wasn’t satisfied to have made the waitlist at UGA his first year, who really did want to show UGA he belonged there— this man will be attending the Honors College at UGA this Fall. We move him in on Friday.
This man that is brilliant. And gentle. And kind. And loves his pup. And his friends. And his family.
This man that fiercely loves his Mom.
There are no words for how very proud I am of Porter.
I wish I could go back and tell that 2006 version of myself all about the astounding things that baby would go on to accomplish. That breathing and a steady heart rate were just the start.
Life looks a little different than it did on July 3, my last post here.
I tried working a job. A job that was tough and would have been harder than pretty much any full-time job I ever had, so I gave it up after a week of in-person training.
I wanted to like it, I really did. We could have used the money.
I am coming to terms with the fact that at 45 years old, there’s a lot in the working world that I have just missed out on growing with. And my tolerance for other people’s low standards is pretty low.
So, I am going to focus on keeping expenses down. I am going to focus on writing. I am going to focus on working through my own bullshit. I am going to focus on my marriage and my children. I am going to focus on my mental health, which honestly could use some work right now. I am going to focus on my friends.
Wanda and Julio are named Wanda and Julio because Jared says that is their names. Jared says he didn’t name the ducks; that he just tells me what their names are.
It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons to find the good in the world lately. Jared says I never learned to see happy. I think he’s right.
It doesn’t help that I haven’t been focused on our marriage in about a year or so. It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons. At times, I have been ready to walk away.
Jared says he always sees the hard times as just singular moments. I have difficulty in seeing it that way. When I am upset, my world is consumed by the upset. I don’t see the world in shades of gray. Everything is wonderful or it is terrible. It’s the way my mind works. I’m pretty sure I was born like that though various traumas don’t help.
I stopped writing in my journals about 9 months ago. It’s been a long time. I haven’t written much blog-wise in that time, either. I turned to AI therapy but it’s not great either. I don’t have a great deal of trust in real person therapists, though.
It’s safe to say I just don’t have a great deal of trust. Period.
Nine months ago I confronted a part of my past that I wasn’t quite ready to confront. I didn’t have a clear picture of what to expect, and I what happened wasn’t at all what I did expect.
And to say that I’ve made any progress toward closure would be dead wrong.
So, I am going to stop chasing closure.
The reality is, in some situations there is no closure. There are no answers; there is not some happy ending coming in to save the day.
There’s just tomorrow. And getting up and making breakfast and coffee. And mornings with my husband. And taking my youngest to school. And remembering to breathe.
It is hard to believe in some ways that this little 4 lb 7 oz being that we brought home after 30 days in the University of Iowa Hospital NICU is almost ready to graduate from high school, and is well over 6 feet tall at this point.
Porter is brilliant, and funny, and insightful, and wise beyond his years. I cannot tell you how proud I am to be Porter’s mother. Porter is Graduating!
Porter plans to go to Georgia State University as a philosophy major. Though the religious studies department is a separate department at this point, religious studies was under the philosophy department in my time at GSU, so that philosophy department is sentimental to me. I took many philosophy classes in my time there as part of my religious major studies. I would never have dreamed that my child would consider my alma mater, much less the department of my major, in younger years.
Porter will be a better philosopher than I was. He has the brain for it. I muddled through okay, but he will excel if he chooses to stick with philosophy permanently.
Porter is Graduating — It is somehow fitting that the firstborn of a religious studies major and a philosophy and religion/ elementary education major should choose to major in philosophy. I am thrilled.
Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use. To find out more, see our terms.
