Abby and Trixie did not feel like having their picture taken this morning.
I joked in the post about Nancy yesterday about whether anybody wants a cat, but it really wasn’t a joke– we really are looking to re-home Nancy and Bess. They’re a package deal though; a bonded pair.
BessNancy
On a wild hair one Saturday afternoon probably 3 years or so ago now, I wanted to go visit the cat cafe. And I wanted a cat even though I was noncommittal to Jared and the boys. And we came away with Nancy and Bess– a bonded pair.
They’re good cats. Nancy may have a slight death wish given her recent shenanigans, but they’re good cats. And to all appearances Nancy and Bess are not a bonded pair, but things do go wonky with Bess’s litter habits when Nancy is not around, in all transparency. She is fine when she has adequate litter and Nancy. And to be completely honest, Bess is the lap cat– Nancy is definitely not.
I just cannot keep up with the care of 5 pets. And MowMow is for sure Oliver’s baby, having spent much of the last 3 years in Oliver’s room since she doesn’t get along with Nancy. And Abby and Trixie….well…. They’re here for the long haul. They’re our children as much as our people children. And Trixie is Porter’s baby, and Abby is my therapy dog as much as I am her therapy human.
Note that in the photo above Trixie was ambivalent about the camera, but Abby….Abby looked away because big cameras terrify her. I do not know why but the longer the lens, the more afraid she is.
Plus, being 100% real here: the financial cost of caring for 5 pets is astronomical. We couldn’t afford them when we took them on and we can’t afford them now.
Nothing will change if we can’t find homes for them. They have a home here as long as need be. We do love them and want what’s best for them.
And all the boys know, and they all understand. They don’t like litter duty any more than we do, and they know our financial situation as much as is appropriate given their ages. Liam wasn’t in favor of more cats when we adopted Nancy and Bess.
Liam is the most level-headed person in the house.
I am trying to be more responsible, and being more responsible is doing what is best for everyone in the house. Including the cats, including the boys, including Jared, including myself.
But if anybody local wants two cats….. well, it’s a serious thing.
Several weeks ago now, I crocheted myself a jute purse. It is cute, and I am in love with it. It went with me to Kansas City and fits perfectly under an airplane seat, and it went with me through all three Universal Parks a week and a half ago.
I love it.
I don’t love that it sheds pretty badly. I’ve tried sealing it with mod podge, I’ve tried heat blocking. Nothing helps. It is going to shed. It’s not a problem with the outside, but it does get all over anything you put in it, and it’s the perfect size for both my camera and laptop so that was a big problem.
So, I decided to finally line the whole thing. Here it is before lining:
Yes! It has a pocket! A really great one.
So, we went and got felt for the lining because I knew that would be easy on my camera.
Jared was kind enough to sew the actual lining part into one piece, on the condition that I do the hand-stitching into the bag:
All went well, until Jared was sewing away and here comes asshole Nancy, above, literally to bat the THREAD OFF THE SEWING MACHINE WHILE IT WAS SPINNING….
Nancy took off with the thread in her mouth… got all the way to the other side of the house before Jared caught her and pulled the thread away.
Or, so we thought.
The finished bag is fabulous. Solved the shedding problem; here is the lined bit before I lined the pocket:
I did decide to line the pocket, and it is all the better for it.
This was all last Saturday. Today is Thursday.
Nancy was low-key missing most of the week. I didn’t go looking for her, I saw her sitting in a chair yesterday morning, but I didn’t worry about her. She is not a social cat in general and will vaguely tolerate Jared’s picking her up to harass her, for very brief periods.
Jared likes to cuddle cats. Nancy only just tolerates it occasionally.
But yesterday, Nancy pooped outside her litter box for the first time in a couple of months. It was a problem previous to us getting two more litter boxes. But it hadn’t happened since. And I noticed, too, that she had black drool coming out of her mouth.
So we thought maybe she had been eating her own poop or Bess, our other cat’s poop? That was all we could think of.
But, she was also clingy. She came up and sat by me, but her fur was raised like something was wrong, too.
It is not normal for Nancy to be clingy, so finally we decided about 8:30 last night to get her to the vet.
We managed to get to our vet here in Carrollton at 8:30 before they closed at 9 last night, saving us a trip (and lots more in fees) to the emergency vet in Atlanta, thank goodness.
They took Nancy straight back, and took us to a room. We were just starting to tell the vet tech the sewing story, that she did get into something last weekend, when the doctor came in and said, “I found this? I don’t think she’ll lose her tongue.” And set the surgical utensil with attached string on the table:
*sigh*
Apparently when Jared yanked the string to get it away from Nancy last Saturday, the string had only just broken, with a good portion of it lodged around her tongue. The string was deeply embedded in her tongue, and the black stuff was infection.
So, Nancy got an antibiotic shot, and has to eat canned food for at least a week which means she has to be isolated from the other pets for that time, and we are out $230 which makes my homemade purse I love a lot more expensive than the $35 it had set us back to that point.
When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock
Ugh.
I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.
I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.
And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.
*sigh*
The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.
I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.
I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.
I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.
But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.
The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.
Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.
Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.
I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.
In April of 2017, I decided I wanted to photograph a wedding.
And, I refused to do it without getting a business license, creating an LLC, and securing business insurance.
For various reasons, I explored closing down the business 2 other times. I went the whole way– closed the LLC, closed the business bank account, closed the business license out…the whole nine yards. But each time, I found myself ready to dive back in.
This time feels different.
I have sold off one GFX body and 3 lenses. I have downgraded to a Fuji X-S20 as my every day carry camera, though we’ll see how long that lasts because going back to APS-C after nearly 4 years of Fuji medium format is HARD.
48 weddings. Well over 100 portrait sessions. 74 clients in my client database.
Eight years is probably pretty good for as part-time a photographer as I have been.
And, it’s no secret: I am depressed. But, I don’t think closing the business is a symptom of that depression. The depression might be partially part of the result of closing the business, but it is the right decision.
At Liam’s senior session, which he was fabulously attentive for, I was paying careful attention to how I felt in that session. Was closing down the business the right decision?
And, I can honestly say, yes. While I was thrilled to photograph my own child’s senior session, it was very apparent that my head, and my heart, are just not in the game anymore.
I am still a photographer. It is in my blood; I cannot be without a camera. It is highly likely I cannot be without a medium format camera at this point, even.
In 2012 I took my first photography class. It was a documentary photography class.
That class introduced me to my passion. My heart is in documenting life as it happens, in objects as they are; not in posed photography.
We had to pick a documentary photographer to try to emulate.
I remember my instructor asking, in a way that she meant as a compliment, if one of my photographs was mine or the star photographer I’d chosen. She said, “Did you hear what I just said?” She knew her compliment hadn’t really registered. Compliments rarely do with me.
I think maybe I have shortchanged myself in trying to pigeonhole myself into the conventional way of being a photographer.
Kevin Mullins was always the wedding photographer I admired the most. He shows up with small Fuji cameras and refuses to do the posed shots. Everything is candid. If I could convince people those were the shots they will treasure, then I would photograph weddings forever.
I’m not sure the X-S20 is the final stop on the gear rotation. I’m not loving the viewfinder. I’m not loving the APS-C sensor though it is okay with my beloved Cinelux lens. I still sort of want a GFX 100RF. I know the X100 series won’t satisfy me.
And, I’m not sure what is next. I still carry a camera with me in my purse everywhere I go even though I rarely get it out.
It has been a deep honor to photograph so many memories. It has been a privilege to be a part of 48 weddings. I have been the sole visitor waiting on a baby to be born so that I could photograph the first moments in the room, and I sent my camera into the delivery room so Dad could photograph first moments just after the c-section.
I have steamed dresses. I have made bouquets. I have calmed brides. I have on rare occasions adjusted timelines. I have fetched Jared to film weddings impromptu at the last minute.
I didn’t realize in 2017 that I would stick it out for the better part of 8 years. I didn’t realize I would sink so much money into trying to build a business that would never become profitable. I didn’t realize I would pay so much money to be a professional photographer. It cost quite a lot to give people the good deals I gave on sessions; debt we will be paying off for years and years.
And truth be told, if I could go back to about 2014 or so, I would tell myself to forget trying to be what I wasn’t. Keeping up with the Joneses of photography is a no-win proposition.
I’ve stopped looking at the photography forums. I don’t keep up with the Click Community like I did for so many years.
I don’t know what is next. The external job thing wasn’t a good fit; professional photography isn’t meant to be, either.
I intend to pour my heart and soul into this little blog as much as I used to do in 2010-2013 or so when photography overshadowed my writing.
I intend to unearth the mounds of ghosts that enrage my heart, because goodness knows the rage is real and it is time that I stop taking it out on my precious husband.
But one thing is for sure: I am pretty much done trying to be something I am not. I am a very particular sort of photographer, just like I am a very particular sort of writer, just like I am a very particular sort of woman.
I am not to everybody’s tastes. And that is okay.
And yes, I’ve seen some shit. And I’ve been through a lot of stuff that would quite surprise a lot of people who only know me very superficially through my children or through my photography.
And I will probably write about some of that stuff, too. Because I just cannot care what people think anymore. It just doesn’t work.
