It’s been a week and it’s only Wednesday.
Sunday I felt the sting of a 16-year old mortification-friend-rejection again in Costco. Jared is right: there are people who cannot handle me in my more fragile states, and this person was one more of those. It doesn’t hurt any less, though. Jared assures me that I am not crazy but knowing there are people in the world who have rejected me due to my mental health does not exactly engender confidence in that area.
My life has taken twists and turns due to various mental health episodes, some more public than others. It’s affected every aspect of my life, but especially friendships and employment prospects.
And I’m nursing my ego wound by plunging my energy back into jute bag making. I’m over halfway done with the current one though it means figuring out the invisible join again because one spool of 6-ply jute is not quite enough to make two bags and this is the second bag I have made with the original spool.
On the topic of bags, I am sad because my original sourcing for the leather straps has inflated their prices, I am 100% certain due to the unfortunate tariff situation in this country. I found an alternative but it will mean the bags need to be smaller to accommodate the strap.
I confessed to Jared that this morning it was awfully hard to not bite the bullet and buy a Fuji X-H2….the old compulsion to spend to make myself feel better. It won’t solve one little thing and will only create other problems, so it is not happening at all, of course. Thankfully I have developed the discipline to say no to myself.
At any rate, this morning I found myself wallowing in the bed, texting Jared to say that I am worthless, that nobody wants to be my friend.
Which is of course objectively not true: I have a wide circle of wonderful friends.
It doesn’t make the stinging tears of shame over broken relationships due to the past any less painful at all, though.
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