What I’m feeling these days doesn’t matter much in the grand social scheme of things. I’m listening as much as possible. I struggled whether to even write because my voice isn’t what is needed right now at all.
But when people in my circles are just upset that riots are destroying property, it feels awfully hopeless. When family uncomfortably changes the subject or says I am judging (white) people without love or grace, it feels even more hopeless.
I restarted The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander yesterday. I bought it oh, at least two years ago and made it about halfway through last time before I got distracted by something or other.
Jared has been invoking scripture in his Facebook posts and it got him a brief moment. He did his best to interact with grace with people who in my opinion didn’t deserve it. I share my spirituality more with our oldest than I do with my husband.
I got called back to my religious studies roots this week and also started re-reading Womanspirit Rising which, its own editors admit, left out a more diverse voice, but pointed to resources which I might find more relevant voices.
It feels hopeless. And it’s only my job to listen and shut up and call out people in my own community. But I am here to say as a white woman, there are barriers in our community by our own that even stand in the way of those of us who want to listen. That may sound like a cop out and maybe it is. But when I have people asking me how Trump is even responsible for contributing to the Coronavirus result….. and when there are people who won’t even acknowledge that there is a racism problem in our community….it just feels hopeless.
The depression that’s been worse over the last couple of weeks got worse last night. I’ve mostly stayed off Facebook today. Jared reminded me I don’t have to engage every day. Jared took Oliver to Mama’s for the afternoon because I just couldn’t this afternoon. My Effexor dose has been raised but the pharmacy had to order the raised dose so it will be another 30 hours or so before I get my medicine. And even then, it will be a while before it actually takes effect. If it even works at all. I’m allowed to have my anxiety medicine up to twice a day and this week I am taking advantage of that. I spent the morning sleeping as avoidance as I do when I’m at my most depressed. At nearly 4 pm, I am still having my coffee.
I just don’t understand people who don’t see the parallel between what has happened politically in our nation and the racism that is a plague in this nation. You cannot separate the two. “Make America Great Again” was always about making America great for white people. Donald Trump was elected as a direct result of the racist reaction and anger a large portion of the country had to the leadership of a black president.
Which is a shame, because it is blatantly apparent that color of skin matters more than quality of leadership.