The world. *sigh*
I am waiting to make a post about the styled shoot I went to last week until the film comes back. Unfortunately, the film won’t be back until July because I cannot afford to send it off until then (reasons: priorities in order, budgeting, band, and priorities in order–for once).
Porter and I watched 13th last night. I’d seen it when it came out in 2016 but the boys were not old enough to watch then. Porter is 13 going on 40 and wants to be engaged with the world, so I really felt like he was mature enough to deal. It was a tough watch because it sort of gave me PTSD flashbacks to the worry before the election and why I stopped sleeping. But I managed to sleep 10 hours last night, so that is a good thing. And man…..this is an important watch for everyone. I continue to listen.
It has been a topsy turvy couple of weeks both for this world and for my psyche.
This has been a week of retrospective reflection on becoming a mom…..not about the parenting aspect, but the physical changes a body goes through to become pregnant and what it means to be a woman. We decided nearly seven years ago that there would be no more kids after Oliver– after deciding nearly 13 years ago that there would be no more kids after Liam……*sigh*……
Life is so much less stressful now that the baby years are behind us. But during those fertility years, I put so much weight behind my self-esteem in my ability to provide kids for my family…..not just Jared but my extended family as well. And now that those years are firmly over, Jared still has to occasionally reassure me that my value was never tied to my ability to get pregnant. And quite the contrary, Jared values the freedom we have now, too. I know that. And, babies are expensive.
The baby years made me crazy, too, though less so with Oliver than the other two. Being on the cusp of perimenopause– with those years safely in the distance– is making me reflective about the process of being Caroline and bringing a baby into the world. It was trauma to the n-th degree in nearly all aspects aside from feeling baby move. Worth it? Yes. But traumatic anyway.
There is not much more to say publicly about it. I am journaling a lot right now. I love my children and being a mom and I wouldn’t trade the experiences or the people they are for anything in the world. But there is stuff to process that I didn’t process in the moment.
Jared is right. There is a reason God gave me boys to parent. I would have had a hard time bringing up a girl to be a healthy woman. And I am grateful every day for that fact that I have my boys.