Tag: writing

  • “I hate my life.”

    Sometimes, that’s how I wake up.

    It’s 1:07 PM and Jared and I are just getting breakfast. This morning was rough. It is the kind of morning where I move slow and everything hurts and I am not steady on my feet and I fall into Jared when he hugs me in the kitchen. 

    I’ve resisted writing for a long time recently. I don’t just sit to write. I don’t journal; I rarely do my gratitude list and when I do it feels like platitudes, not the real thing.

    I didn’t sleep well last night; I woke up three times.

    Since the whole “analytics ate the timestamp on one of my first emails to Jared” night a couple of weeks ago, Jared has slept in the living room. 

    I knew it was different that night because when he went to the living room, he packed up his CPAP and took it with him. That has been a months-long fight: he goes to the living room to sleep because I am scared for whatever reason, but he will absolutely NOT take his CPAP with him.

    Except, now he does. Every night. 

    And generally, I do sleep better when he’s out here (where I am now writing). Knowing he is the first line of defense in case the random things-I-think-are-going-to-get-in-the-house-but-never-do really does make a difference.

    One night in the last couple of weeks I woke up at 4:02 AM. I was sure I’d heard a knock on our bedroom door. I called out my reflex “JARED!” as I always do immediately upon waking when it’s his cue to go investigate the mystery noises that are never there. Jared was already out in the living room. That noise had been so real though.

    “I hate my life.”

    In those moments there, lying on my side under at least five blankets which include at least a comforter and two heavy fleece-type blankets, it hardly seems worth being grateful.

    Facebook does not help.

    This morning’s memories included the lovely photo walk Jared and I went on at Hobbs Farm exactly a year ago today. The featured photo is a photo I took on that walk. I thought I’d like to go on another photo walk today…except I sold the 100-200mm lens I used in that walk last year. None of my current lenses are ideal for wildlife photography. 

    “I wish I’d never gotten into photography,” I wailed at Jared at some point this morning. 

    I don’t always see the bits I wouldn’t have otherwise seen if I look back at my photos later.

    The blog gets random weird bot analytics.

    The boys are grown and prefer the company of themselves in their own rooms over spending time out in the main areas of the house.

    I feel aimless, unanchored.

    And always, always, always…I lament not having a job, not having the prestige of a career, not having substantive income of my own both so that I can help support us and also so I could buy the things I want without guilt. 

    People I know are not always helpful; just yesterday my own mother said, “Caroline, you should just make yourself do it,” when I was lamenting the state of our dirty house that I am unable to keep up with.

    As if it were that easy, proving my family has zero clue as I’ve always known. 

    I am up now. I have had breakfast, or lunch or snack, or whatever: a protein bar, a tiny cup of walnuts, a very small section of brie, and six fruity jellies from Trader Joe’s.

    I won’t allow myself my coffee until I’ve had the entirety of my full water bottle first.

    And later, it won’t be so bad. My legs won’t feel shaky when I walk. 

    Jared says the PTSD is like this. I never remember. 

    I won’t feel as though I will wilt. I will get a shower for the first time in two days. 

    But for now, I write, because that’s one of the few things I can do in moments like this. 

    Sometimes, that’s how I wake up.

    It’s 1:07 PM and Jared and I are just getting breakfast. This morning was rough. It is the kind of morning where I move slow and everything hurts and I am not steady on my feet and I fall into Jared when he hugs me in the kitchen. 

    I’ve resisted writing for a long time recently. I don’t just sit to write. I don’t journal; I rarely do my gratitude list and when I do it feels like platitudes, not the real thing.

    I didn’t sleep well last night; I woke up three times.

    Since the whole “analytics ate the timestamp on one of my first emails to Jared” night a couple of weeks ago, Jared has slept in the living room. 

    I knew it was different that night because when he went to the living room, he packed up his CPAP and took it with him. That has been a months-long fight: he goes to the living room to sleep because I am scared for whatever reason, but he will absolutely NOT take his CPAP with him.

    Except, now he does. Every night. 

    And generally, I do sleep better when he’s out here (where I am now writing). Knowing he is the first line of defense in case the random things-I-think-are-going-to-get-in-the-house-but-never-do really does make a difference.

    One night in the last couple of weeks I woke up at 4:02 AM. I was sure I’d heard a knock on our bedroom door. I called out my reflex “JARED!” as I always do immediately upon waking when it’s his cue to go investigate the mystery noises that are never there. Jared was already out in the living room. That noise had been so real though.

    “I hate my life.”

    In those moments there, lying on my side under at least five blankets which include at least a comforter and two heavy fleece-type blankets, it hardly seems worth being grateful.

    Facebook does not help.

    This morning’s memories included the lovely photo walk Jared and I went on at Hobbs Farm exactly a year ago today. The featured photo is a photo I took on that walk. I thought I’d like to go on another photo walk today…except I sold the 100-200mm lens I used in that walk last year. None of my current lenses are ideal for wildlife photography. 

    “I wish I’d never gotten into photography,” I wailed at Jared at some point this morning. 

    I don’t always see the bits I wouldn’t have otherwise seen if I look back at my photos later.

    The blog gets random weird bot analytics.

    The boys are grown and prefer the company of themselves in their own rooms over spending time out in the main areas of the house.

    I feel aimless, unanchored.

    And always, always, always…I lament not having a job, not having the prestige of a career, not having substantive income of my own both so that I can help support us and also so I could buy the things I want without guilt. 

    People I know are not always helpful; just yesterday my own mother said, “Caroline, you should just make yourself do it,” when I was lamenting the state of our dirty house that I am unable to keep up with.

    As if it were that easy, proving my family has zero clue as I’ve always known. 

    I am up now. I have had breakfast, or lunch or snack, or whatever: a protein bar, a tiny cup of walnuts, a very small section of brie, and six fruity jellies from Trader Joe’s.

    I won’t allow myself my coffee until I’ve had the entirety of my full water bottle first.

    And later, it won’t be so bad. My legs won’t feel shaky when I walk. 

    Jared says the PTSD is like this. I never remember. 

    I won’t feel as though I will wilt. I will get a shower for the first time in two days. 

    But for now, I write, because that’s one of the few things I can do in moments like this. 

  • Current Mood: O Holy Night

  • a reflective guided journal

    I made something.

    I made a reflective guided journal. I set out the specific parameters in both Gemini and Google AI Studio and between the two of them, I came up with quarterly segments filled with weekly goals, and daily prompts.

    I made it for myself primarily, with the goal of maybe sharing it with the wider world.

    It’s going to take some time to format though; while I have the content, I have a specific way I want that content formatted and there is no easy way to handle that in a bulk way into Canva, which is what I am using for the formatting.

    I am very, very, happy with the content, though. It’s something I would use, I think it will be both fun and uplifting. I’m impatient to get it done but realistically, it will likely not be done by January 1.

    Time is not really relevant however; the journal is not formatted to be time-dependent.

    I was inspired to make a reflective, guided journal primarily as a self-help tool for myself, to help get myself through the year in an even-keel sort of temperament while also setting new goals. Gemini helped me set out parameters that allow the journal to be helpful without dispensing psychiatric or medical advice.

    I hadn’t really intended to come up with a whole product, except that I wanted something pretty for myself.

    So, caroline price luxe: intentional living guided journal is on the way.

  • budget optimizations


    I have been on a rampage the last few months, trying to optimize our family budget as best we can.

    First, it started last May, when I closed my original photography business. I sold my second Fujifilm GF50sII body, and 4 of my GF lenses when I no longer needed them for business purposes. I did purchase a Fuji X-S20 with its kit lens so that I would have a second camera, but we still cleared a significant amount with the transactions.

    At the same time, I made a commitment, both internally to myself and also to my husband, to be entirely mindful of all of my spending. Historically, mindless spending when I am depressed or anxious has been a problem.

    Between May and September, that was the primary focus of my energy.

    In September, I decided we were done with the credit card rollercoaster. We’d previously had a personal loan that had a higher than optimal interest rate, at 11.25%, and we also had some minor credit card debt. We were offered and secured a different personal loan with a 7.99% interest rate, and rolled the minor credit card debt and the original personal loan into this 7.99% fixed personal loan.

    At some point in October or November, I called and asked about better deals for our internet only at home– we don’t have a home phone or cable service, we pay for internet only. I lowered our monthly bill from $79.99 to $65 and at the same time, I also secured us a better tier of service.

    Grocery-wise, we primarily shop at Aldi, Walmart, and Costco, with the bulk of our groceries coming from Costco. I have started paying attention to what is on sale weekly at Costco, and buying in bulk where it makes sense to do so. That has made a difference since I began doing this in October– last month we spent $400 less than the month prior, and we are on track to do the same thing this month as well.

    Then in early November, I started wondering if we could refinance our second mortgage…..its interest rate was secured when our credit was not as good, and its interest rate was 10.36%. At the same time, we had a home improvement loan for crawlspace encapsulation that was not only a 9.99% loan, it was a 15-year loan with 13.5 years left. So I looked around, and I found us a 7.625% second mortgage to roll the original second mortgage plus the home improvement loan into, and it is a 10-year term. We will save $14,000 over the life of the loan over what we were paying on the original two loans. (Our primary mortgage rate is 2.875% and thankfully the second mortgage is very minor by comparison).

    In deciding to open a new luxury photography business, I had to be extremely strategic in which expenses were non-negotiable. Ultimately, the LLC and occupational tax certificates were an “of course.” I also ensured my state sales and use tax certificate was put in place, and I re-opened a business checking account with Bluevine that has no monthly service fee at all. And finally, I secured a great deal on fairly comprehensive business insurance with Full Frame Insurance. The beautiful thing for my budget is that the photography gear I already had– and the fact that my primary Cinelux lens works on both of my existing cameras– is all I need to create beautiful luxury portraits.

    And finally, in this last week, I have managed to secure loyalty discounts and upgrades of 3 of the 4 phone devices in our household such that the upgrade cost us $174.30 in taxes, but I got upgrade and trade in fees waived, new devices included with payment of the plans, and payoff on my old phone all included. And with the loyalty discount in place that I was offered, our monthly phone bill for 4 lines will go down from $238 a month to $137 a month.

    So now, our highest interest rate on debt at all is 7.99% across all debt, and it truly does feel like our budget is as optimized as possible, given the circumstances we have created for ourselves.

    And as I make a renewed commitment to my artistic photography, all of this budget optimization frees up considerable brain space for concentration on what I truly love: my art.

    Read more about me here.

  • this man is my hero

    Jared and I got in a fight today. And the content or reason is not important, nor is how it resolved other than to say that it is over now.

    In the process, though, I found out something that reminded me of why Jared is my hero:

    Before my October meeting with the man-who-shall-not-be-named, Jared sent said person a message demanding respect for me during said meeting.

    Jared never told me a word about it, until the heat of the moment today, when I accused him of never standing up for me against said individual.

    And that specific knowledge goes a long way toward both healing last December, and also making me feel very, very, very safe with my husband. It also rather dramatically explains that while verbal harassment occurred in October, physical boundaries were observed.

    I’ve long known that Jared will go to bat, at great length, for me.

    But knowing that he warned this particular individual as to protecting my safety, regardless of what actually happened, I am certain went a long way toward ensuring at least physical boundaries were observed.

    I love my husband. Emotional and physical safety and protection are just two more reasons why. Indeed, they are the whole reason I chose Jared 22 years ago, when presented between the choice of the two of them.