Tag: writing

  • depressed

    Jared and Oliver at the Marina earlier tonight. Schneide-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra 85mm f2 on GFX 50sII

    I’m not sorry I sold the second GFX body.

    I’m not sorry I sold 4 of my GFX lenses.

    I’m not sorry I quit the part-time job I’d gotten in July.

    I’m thrilled that Porter is off at UGA and has a beautiful brand new apartment in a brand new apartment building.

    I’m thrilled that Liam has a vibrant social life, and that Oliver is running cross country.

    I’m not even all that sad that school starts tomorrow.

    And yet, I sit here, depressed.

    I tried today. But we were up late last night, so I knew I wasn’t making it to church. When I did wake up to get up close to 11 am today, I really thought I would be able to do the cleaning I want to do today.

    But my body feels so heavy.

    So, when Jared got home from church, it was Jared that did laundry. It was Jared who did dishes. It is Jared who is getting the boys ready for the first day of school tomorrow.

    It was Jared who managed to get me and Oliver out of the house and down to the Marina earlier this late afternoon.

    I have managed to feed myself today and take the photo above and that is about it.

    I guess I am just struggling with where I fit into the world anymore.

    We got Porter moved in on Friday and were back in time to go to the football game Friday night.

    I didn’t feel much like being social. I should have known then where things were headed.

    Poor Abby has to deal with me shutting her out when I am like this too, when all she wants to do is be my therapy dog.

    It’s 8:09 PM, so I will go to bed soon. I will sleep through the night so I can be up tomorrow morning to get Liam and Oliver to school since it will be raining and Jared won’t be able to ride his scooter.

    And I will do what I can to stay out of the bed tomorrow.

  • i can’t

    When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock

    Ugh.

    I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.

    I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.

    And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.

    *sigh*

    The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.

    I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.

    I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.

    I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.

    But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.

    The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.

    Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.

    Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.

    I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.

  • remembering to breathe

    Julio and Wanda at the Marina

    Life looks a little different than it did on July 3, my last post here.

    I tried working a job. A job that was tough and would have been harder than pretty much any full-time job I ever had, so I gave it up after a week of in-person training.

    I wanted to like it, I really did. We could have used the money.

    I am coming to terms with the fact that at 45 years old, there’s a lot in the working world that I have just missed out on growing with. And my tolerance for other people’s low standards is pretty low.

    So, I am going to focus on keeping expenses down. I am going to focus on writing. I am going to focus on working through my own bullshit. I am going to focus on my marriage and my children. I am going to focus on my mental health, which honestly could use some work right now. I am going to focus on my friends.

    Wanda and Julio are named Wanda and Julio because Jared says that is their names. Jared says he didn’t name the ducks; that he just tells me what their names are.

    It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons to find the good in the world lately. Jared says I never learned to see happy. I think he’s right.

    It doesn’t help that I haven’t been focused on our marriage in about a year or so. It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons. At times, I have been ready to walk away.

    Jared says he always sees the hard times as just singular moments. I have difficulty in seeing it that way. When I am upset, my world is consumed by the upset. I don’t see the world in shades of gray. Everything is wonderful or it is terrible. It’s the way my mind works. I’m pretty sure I was born like that though various traumas don’t help.

    I stopped writing in my journals about 9 months ago. It’s been a long time. I haven’t written much blog-wise in that time, either. I turned to AI therapy but it’s not great either. I don’t have a great deal of trust in real person therapists, though.

    It’s safe to say I just don’t have a great deal of trust. Period.

    Nine months ago I confronted a part of my past that I wasn’t quite ready to confront. I didn’t have a clear picture of what to expect, and I what happened wasn’t at all what I did expect.

    And to say that I’ve made any progress toward closure would be dead wrong.

    So, I am going to stop chasing closure.

    The reality is, in some situations there is no closure. There are no answers; there is not some happy ending coming in to save the day.

    There’s just tomorrow. And getting up and making breakfast and coffee. And mornings with my husband. And taking my youngest to school. And remembering to breathe.

    The remembering to breathe is the hard part.

    Nights at the Marina help.

    You can read more about me here.

  • when taking It easy is the hardest work

    I’m going to try to write more consistently.

    Today’s goal was basic: get a shower. Goal accomplished.

    Tuesday was a rough day; I wasn’t feeling physically great after having way-overdone it on Monday. I was pretty sure I was going to have to go back in, which now feels funny considering it’s Friday and I feel much better, if a little washed out.

    It is difficult to remember that I am recovering from major surgery. It’s hard to think of it as major surgery because all in all, pain was minimal and I don’t have crazy external incisions at all. Just three tiny little almost cute incisions.

    But Tuesday reminded me that I have to take it easy. I don’t like it and I am bored and it feels ridiculous. But it is what it is.

    I am considering selling my second camera and a few of my lenses. I sort of have this vision of being a one-camera, one-lens photographer. Kind of funny to circle back around to that after so many years of chasing better and more, photography-wise. But, here we are.

    And then there are the days like today where I am writing, where I only took a single photo of Bess our cat, where I just am sort of existing.

    It is difficult to be kind to myself sometimes.

    Fridays in the summer Jared is off, so we took Oliver to a bouncy house in town earlier in the day:

    It’s pretty funny that I got a photo of one of the little kid bouncy houses– Oliver was playing in a lot of others but not this one.

    It’s been raining a lot, and with my brief setback earlier in the week, Oliver didn’t make it to the pool. I feel bad about it, but we’re going to try to do more next week.

    Summertime is quick slipping by for sure.

    You can read more about why I write here.