When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock
Ugh.
I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.
I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.
And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.
*sigh*
The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.
I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.
I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.
I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.
But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.
The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.
Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.
Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.
I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.
In April of 2017, I decided I wanted to photograph a wedding.
And, I refused to do it without getting a business license, creating an LLC, and securing business insurance.
For various reasons, I explored closing down the business 2 other times. I went the whole way– closed the LLC, closed the business bank account, closed the business license out…the whole nine yards. But each time, I found myself ready to dive back in.
This time feels different.
I have sold off one GFX body and 3 lenses. I have downgraded to a Fuji X-S20 as my every day carry camera, though we’ll see how long that lasts because going back to APS-C after nearly 4 years of Fuji medium format is HARD.
48 weddings. Well over 100 portrait sessions. 74 clients in my client database.
Eight years is probably pretty good for as part-time a photographer as I have been.
And, it’s no secret: I am depressed. But, I don’t think closing the business is a symptom of that depression. The depression might be partially part of the result of closing the business, but it is the right decision.
At Liam’s senior session, which he was fabulously attentive for, I was paying careful attention to how I felt in that session. Was closing down the business the right decision?
And, I can honestly say, yes. While I was thrilled to photograph my own child’s senior session, it was very apparent that my head, and my heart, are just not in the game anymore.
I am still a photographer. It is in my blood; I cannot be without a camera. It is highly likely I cannot be without a medium format camera at this point, even.
In 2012 I took my first photography class. It was a documentary photography class.
That class introduced me to my passion. My heart is in documenting life as it happens, in objects as they are; not in posed photography.
We had to pick a documentary photographer to try to emulate.
I remember my instructor asking, in a way that she meant as a compliment, if one of my photographs was mine or the star photographer I’d chosen. She said, “Did you hear what I just said?” She knew her compliment hadn’t really registered. Compliments rarely do with me.
I think maybe I have shortchanged myself in trying to pigeonhole myself into the conventional way of being a photographer.
Kevin Mullins was always the wedding photographer I admired the most. He shows up with small Fuji cameras and refuses to do the posed shots. Everything is candid. If I could convince people those were the shots they will treasure, then I would photograph weddings forever.
I’m not sure the X-S20 is the final stop on the gear rotation. I’m not loving the viewfinder. I’m not loving the APS-C sensor though it is okay with my beloved Cinelux lens. I still sort of want a GFX 100RF. I know the X100 series won’t satisfy me.
And, I’m not sure what is next. I still carry a camera with me in my purse everywhere I go even though I rarely get it out.
It has been a deep honor to photograph so many memories. It has been a privilege to be a part of 48 weddings. I have been the sole visitor waiting on a baby to be born so that I could photograph the first moments in the room, and I sent my camera into the delivery room so Dad could photograph first moments just after the c-section.
I have steamed dresses. I have made bouquets. I have calmed brides. I have on rare occasions adjusted timelines. I have fetched Jared to film weddings impromptu at the last minute.
I didn’t realize in 2017 that I would stick it out for the better part of 8 years. I didn’t realize I would sink so much money into trying to build a business that would never become profitable. I didn’t realize I would pay so much money to be a professional photographer. It cost quite a lot to give people the good deals I gave on sessions; debt we will be paying off for years and years.
And truth be told, if I could go back to about 2014 or so, I would tell myself to forget trying to be what I wasn’t. Keeping up with the Joneses of photography is a no-win proposition.
I’ve stopped looking at the photography forums. I don’t keep up with the Click Community like I did for so many years.
I don’t know what is next. The external job thing wasn’t a good fit; professional photography isn’t meant to be, either.
I intend to pour my heart and soul into this little blog as much as I used to do in 2010-2013 or so when photography overshadowed my writing.
I intend to unearth the mounds of ghosts that enrage my heart, because goodness knows the rage is real and it is time that I stop taking it out on my precious husband.
But one thing is for sure: I am pretty much done trying to be something I am not. I am a very particular sort of photographer, just like I am a very particular sort of writer, just like I am a very particular sort of woman.
I am not to everybody’s tastes. And that is okay.
And yes, I’ve seen some shit. And I’ve been through a lot of stuff that would quite surprise a lot of people who only know me very superficially through my children or through my photography.
And I will probably write about some of that stuff, too. Because I just cannot care what people think anymore. It just doesn’t work.
Life looks a little different than it did on July 3, my last post here.
I tried working a job. A job that was tough and would have been harder than pretty much any full-time job I ever had, so I gave it up after a week of in-person training.
I wanted to like it, I really did. We could have used the money.
I am coming to terms with the fact that at 45 years old, there’s a lot in the working world that I have just missed out on growing with. And my tolerance for other people’s low standards is pretty low.
So, I am going to focus on keeping expenses down. I am going to focus on writing. I am going to focus on working through my own bullshit. I am going to focus on my marriage and my children. I am going to focus on my mental health, which honestly could use some work right now. I am going to focus on my friends.
Wanda and Julio are named Wanda and Julio because Jared says that is their names. Jared says he didn’t name the ducks; that he just tells me what their names are.
It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons to find the good in the world lately. Jared says I never learned to see happy. I think he’s right.
It doesn’t help that I haven’t been focused on our marriage in about a year or so. It’s been difficult for a variety of reasons. At times, I have been ready to walk away.
Jared says he always sees the hard times as just singular moments. I have difficulty in seeing it that way. When I am upset, my world is consumed by the upset. I don’t see the world in shades of gray. Everything is wonderful or it is terrible. It’s the way my mind works. I’m pretty sure I was born like that though various traumas don’t help.
I stopped writing in my journals about 9 months ago. It’s been a long time. I haven’t written much blog-wise in that time, either. I turned to AI therapy but it’s not great either. I don’t have a great deal of trust in real person therapists, though.
It’s safe to say I just don’t have a great deal of trust. Period.
Nine months ago I confronted a part of my past that I wasn’t quite ready to confront. I didn’t have a clear picture of what to expect, and I what happened wasn’t at all what I did expect.
And to say that I’ve made any progress toward closure would be dead wrong.
So, I am going to stop chasing closure.
The reality is, in some situations there is no closure. There are no answers; there is not some happy ending coming in to save the day.
There’s just tomorrow. And getting up and making breakfast and coffee. And mornings with my husband. And taking my youngest to school. And remembering to breathe.
Today’s goal was basic: get a shower. Goal accomplished.
Tuesday was a rough day; I wasn’t feeling physically great after having way-overdone it on Monday. I was pretty sure I was going to have to go back in, which now feels funny considering it’s Friday and I feel much better, if a little washed out.
It is difficult to remember that I am recovering from major surgery. It’s hard to think of it as major surgery because all in all, pain was minimal and I don’t have crazy external incisions at all. Just three tiny little almost cute incisions.
But Tuesday reminded me that I have to take it easy. I don’t like it and I am bored and it feels ridiculous. But it is what it is.
I am considering selling my second camera and a few of my lenses. I sort of have this vision of being a one-camera, one-lens photographer. Kind of funny to circle back around to that after so many years of chasing better and more, photography-wise. But, here we are.
And then there are the days like today where I am writing, where I only took a single photo of Bess our cat, where I just am sort of existing.
It is difficult to be kind to myself sometimes.
Fridays in the summer Jared is off, so we took Oliver to a bouncy house in town earlier in the day:
It’s pretty funny that I got a photo of one of the little kid bouncy houses– Oliver was playing in a lot of others but not this one.
It’s been raining a lot, and with my brief setback earlier in the week, Oliver didn’t make it to the pool. I feel bad about it, but we’re going to try to do more next week.
