When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock
Ugh.
I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.
I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.
And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.
*sigh*
The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.
I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.
I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.
I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.
But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.
The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.
Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.
Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.
I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.
I am sitting here with Porter while he fills out the paperwork to take his driver’s test.
Porter will turn 19 in just a couple of weeks.
At this point over the past 19 years, I have said all this ad nauseum. But I am going to say it all again.
I remember sitting in NICU Bay 20 at the University of Iowa Hospital about a week after Porter was born. It seemed like the monitors were going off constantly and I remember thinking “God, thank you for letting me be his mom for a week at least.”
Oh Caroline, oh ye of little faith.
This firstborn of ours has astounded me at every. single. turn.
And this man— this man who wasn’t satisfied to have made the waitlist at UGA his first year, who really did want to show UGA he belonged there— this man will be attending the Honors College at UGA this Fall. We move him in on Friday.
This man that is brilliant. And gentle. And kind. And loves his pup. And his friends. And his family.
This man that fiercely loves his Mom.
There are no words for how very proud I am of Porter.
I wish I could go back and tell that 2006 version of myself all about the astounding things that baby would go on to accomplish. That breathing and a steady heart rate were just the start.
Today is six weeks post-op and I am confident I am 100% recovered! I managed the entirety of the first segment of my Inhale Steve Ross yoga today, I managed 10 minutes on my stationary bike, and I managed a lot of my arm-related physical therapy exercises.
I am feeling really, really good about having the hysterectomy. All things considered, my recovery was as uncomplicated as I could have asked for. I am thrilled.
I got a vaccination yesterday and was asked if there was any chance I was pregnant for the first time. I just laughed and said, “Nope,” and explained about the surgery. The nurse laughed when I told her it was the first time I’d been asked that question since the surgery.
We will have family visiting for the next few days and I am thrilled about that, too! Bowling is on the agenda; we might go to a jazz concert tonight, and of course the fireworks for the 4th. We like to go to the overlook by the high school to sit because it’s not quite as crowded.
I decided to hold off on selling any of my camera gear. It would be better to sell after I officially close the business in August anyway. Plus, Jared is right: we do not have the funds currently to replace my camera if I broke it or if it started malfunctioning, so it is best to hold onto the backup GFX 50sII for now. I will likely reassess in January or so.
I did figure out I can do 1:1 macro photography with my Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux lens, however, and I am thrilled! The photo above of one of our aging hydrangeas is one of my first attempts. It’s tricky and limited, however, because I only have the f2 aperture, of course. It works for shots like this but I will have to be picky about how I go about such photography because of the thin depth of field. Not complaining at all, it’s just an artistic feature. Another reason that lens is one of my favorites.
I really do think it is possible I could survive with just my 80mm f1.7 Fuji lens, that Cinelux lens, and my 50mm f2 Minolta lens. Food for thought, for sure.
Four weeks and two days after my hysterectomy, I am finally feeling okay enough to do some light exercise. So, today:
five minutes on the stationary bike
20 chest fly’s
15 reps of my five physical therapy stretch band arm exercises
I’m feeling pretty great about all that, if a little tired after.
Jared and I got out to the lake last night and I got a sort-of interesting shot with the help of some lens flare:
I was feeling sort of bummed last night. At the lake, I also tested some of my lenses on one of my cameras that has been fussy about its autofocus capabilities lately…..as in, sometimes the autofocus doesn’t work. I’d been planning to sell one of my cameras to help pay down some of our debt, but obviously I can’t sell a camera that might not be at its best. And I would send it to Edison, NJ for repair if I could reliably get the problem to replicate but it doesn’t always malfunction. So when I took this photo, I was sort of in a mood. The lens flare, though somewhat interesting, also captured the hazy frustration I was feeling.
But this morning, I remembered that I do have a good number of manual focus lenses: I love my Minolta and my Cinelux lenses! And, the camera works just fine in manual focus. So, it appears that moving forward I will simply have a manual focus Fuji GFX camera and a GFX camera that I use my native lenses with. Not ideal for my plan to pay down our debt, but it does make use of my current gear and is probably a pretty darn good plan moving forward.
Sometimes I have brief flickers of just selling all my photo gear and getting out of photography altogether. I know that is not likely healthy, and I know I’d likely just want to start up again probably less than a year after I got out.
