Tag: grateful

  • the parking validation

    So I draft this from a small Winship Emory Midtown waiting room. I have my coffee from home, my phone, a white robe that has no tie at the waist like it should, and a bag with my tops inside. Jared is waiting in the main lobby. The diagnostic mammogram is done. 

    But at the end… The tech told me she was going to give me validation for my parking.

    I do not know what that meant…. but it does not bode good things.

    I have delivered two children at Emory Midtown — I have probably been here over 50 times in the last 18 years — and they never validated my parking before. 

    I know the ultrasound was an optional follow-up and the tech made out like I’d be having the ultrasound but then she backtracked and said it was pending the doctor looking at the images…

    And now, wistfully, I wait.

    ————————

    And the tech came back for me. We repeated the images, for “spot checks,” on the concerning side.

    I am pretty sure I know what is coming.

    ————————

    I sit and wait. At least six people have come and gone back and left. I texted with Jared a little, telling him I was sure I have breast cancer. Jared says to wait and see what the doctor says. 

    I waited over a month for this diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. I panicked when the date was so far out and scheduled one at Tanner for October 15, but I ended up having a late-scheduled tele-health appointment with my endocrinologist on the 15th and had to cancel the Tanner appointment. 

    It meant waiting, but honestly if I have to deal with medical complications I am grateful to be dealing with Emory, not Tanner.

    ————————

    The wait on the ultrasound table for the radiologist, after the tech did the ultrasound, was the longest ever.

    Turns out, I am fine. No breast cancer, no problems under my arm at all. They were very thorough. The radiologist herself came in to explain the mammogram was clear, the ultrasound was clear. 

    I probably have a fungal rash (I have been telling Jared since my appointment last week that it is probably ringworm) like the dermatologist thought it might be. The spot is fading with the creams she gave me. I didn’t tell them that this morning though. 

    I still have zero idea why they validated my parking, though. Or why they repeated the mammogram on the concerning spots. At all. Oh well. 

  • better

    Thank you to everyone who reached out after yesterday’s post. I will be okay.

    Today has been better; I still slept in until 9:30 and didn’t get up until nearly 10:30. Jared is gone to a day conference and left about 6:30 this morning but he made sure the boys were up and getting ready and I got up and took my meds and stayed up until the boys left for school.

    One of the BIG bonuses to having a teen driver in the house is that he can take his little brother to school. We ask him to do it as little as possible, but this morning it felt necessary.

    My solitary task for the day, the one non-negotiable, is that I have to get Oliver from school, after school today.

    And I suppose if I’d had to I could have done it in my jammies– or more accurately– the clothes I put on after my shower last night. Most of my clothes double as jammies; one of the bonuses to living in leggings.

    But, when I got up, I came out and got myself some plain greek yogurt and walnuts for breakfast. I sat down at my computer and I did my gratitude list for the first time since October 21. I actually journaled, as opposed to coming straight here to blog.

    Things on the gratitude list for the day:

    — I am grateful it was a Democratic sweep yesterday

    — I am grateful for Abby

    — I am grateful we have plastic to put over the windows because of the cold

    — I am grateful I have the luxury of being bored

    There were 50 things on my list, but you get the idea.

    And then I remembered my Minolta lenses, and went to read a few reviews between the 58mm 1.2 (a lens I used to have and sold) and the 58mm 1.4 (a lens I currently have) and got the lens out and put it on the GFX:

    And obviously, I took a photo of the GFX with the 58mm lens on it, with the X-S20.

    And then I took this photo of Trixie, with the GFX:

    I do love Minolta lenses. And this one works in regular crop, so I don’t have to use the 35mm crop setting on the GFX. See the above photos? They don’t have the same dimensions because the top one is APS-C and the bottom one is medium format.

    And then after poking around online for a while…..I got myself cleaned up. And then I sent this photo to J:

    And along with the photo, I sent this text to J:

    “I cut on my hair so that it is now all close to properly one length; most of the layers including the thin section at the back of my neck are gone. Back to properly chin length but it felt good to give myself a haircut.
    And I got a shower. And now I am about to warm up 3-day old coffee.
    I feel not quite myself, but almost.”

    The hair thing: I desperately want long hair. But my hair is extremely fine, and thinning by the day. So chin-length it may be. Regardless: now that it is all one length, it is so very obvious that my hair definitely needs absolutely not one single solitary layer in it at all. Too thin for that.

    And yes, I do feel almost myself. A pizza is about to go into the oven for Oliver for when he gets home from school, and after I get him I am going to set to work about finishing the plastic-over-the-windows projects in both our bedroom and the living room. There is an awful lot more to do window-wise– the rest of the house– but if I can just get the hole in the plastic Trixie pierced the other day in the living room and the final door in the living room, along with the second window in our bedroom, it will be a successful day. I am determined to get most of this project done before the extreme cold hits next week.

    Tomorrow is the diagnostic mammogram with potential ultrasound. I’m trying hard to not think about it.

    If you’re new here, you can read more about me here.

  • the project

    Caroline Ellison Price

    It’s been a really interesting life. 

    I don’t say that from a despondent sense. It’s true: last night, when we got home from taking Porter back to UGA, I hid in our bedroom, just after dark, telling Jared I was going to bed at about 6:45 PM. That it was a sleep emergency ( I have those). 

    But by about 7:15, I called for him, telling him I was hiding. He said he knew that. 

    I do that, too: I hide. Even in my own house. I retreat to the bedroom, to my bed, which is my haven when the world is too overwhelming.

    Jared was able to coax me out from hiding about an hour later. 

    Back to the “interesting life” bit… Several weeks ago, I bought a fresh copy of Scrivener.

    I had Scrivener several laptops ago, but I never did a whole lot with it the last go ‘round.

    This time, though: there is already the pages for thirteen different chapters…

    I’m going to write a fictionalized memoir. 

    My life would make an excellent fictionalized psychological thriller.

    So anyway, that’s a thing that’s in process. 

    And maybe it will be an income-generating project eventually. But that’s not the primary purpose.

    The primary purpose is therapeutic writing. I can pound out my heartache, my trauma, my life observations….all in fictionalized memoir format.

    I can say things through fiction that I cannot say via a publication in real life. 

    And someday, it will be done. Probably someday sooner than later, if I can properly focus well enough this winter. I desperately need a project to channel my energy into, and writing has always been one of my stronger suits. 

    And goodness knows, my life story, drama-filled as it has been, is the perfect fodder fuel for a highly fictionalized work. 

    So yeah. That’s a thing. A thing I can sink my teeth into since gainful employment is elusive, to also vent my anger, heartache, hurt, grief, and trauma all at the same time. 

  • security blanket camera

    Here’s what I don’t talk about with my photography gear…

    Probably half the time I have my gear out, I just hold it, sitting in my lap. Not for pictures…. It is my security blanket.

    I did it last night at the Marina when I snapped the selfie with Jared, with the X-S20.

    This morning on the way out the door to church, I knew I’d want to hold the GFX after we dropped Porter off at UGA this afternoon, so I threw it into my purse. So here it is, now in my lap as Jared drives us back home to Carrollton.

    I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world with security blanket-type object.

    It’s just that mine have doubled as professional and hobby-type tools at the same time.

    I’m feeling fairly anxious this week. I stood up for my 18-23 year-old self on Thursday, and also my 45 year-old self as well.

    And then I drove to Athens for my oldest.

    And I spent a good portion of the weekend hiding. Because that is what I do.

    And I’m probably going to spend some more time in the next few weeks hiding while I try to get my mental health back in some semblance of equilibrium.

    I’ve lost my laundry routine since before October 20.

    Dishes sit undone for days on end.

    It’s been rough.

    I’m determined to turn a corner, but for now, I hide.

    And I hold my security blankets: my cameras.

    Read more about me here.

  • i am very lucky

    Halloween was interesting….I dressed up as a professional princess complete with the tiara I wore for our wedding and the pink sweater I made for myself last year, and a tulle layered skirt that embarrasses the big boys but Oliver likes, and one of my crystal necklaces, and my black faux patent leather boots that I love so much.

    Oliver was the Joker from Batman.

    The band was allowed to wear costumes, so Liam wore his suit on the field. He told me who he was supposed to be but I forget now– he’d wanted to wear a mask but school rules prohibited masks.

    We have Porter home for the weekend! I went to get him Thursday at UGA. I skipped my ladies’ group in favor of a nap and necessary self-care, and then went to get Porter.

    This selfie with Jared was tonight at the Marina. Jared took me to the swings at the Marina for the last night of dark after 6 pm for the year, since the time changes tonight. I took another selfie with us both looking at the camera, but then he wanted to take this one of him kissing me.

    Jared is not afraid of public displays of affection, and he opened the door on my side of the car when I got in the car tonight. I have to say…..he’s done that for 22 years now. The only exception is if the spot is too tight for it to be awkward for him to do so. Otherwise, he is opening the car door for me and I am used to it.

    The last two days have been rough for reasons I won’t go into, but Jared is taking good care of me. He always does.

    I am very lucky.