I did a very brief maternity session yesterday. As predictable, I am hopeless with poses, so I looked at my phone constantly. Here is what I came up with though:
Jared says I will grow to resent being the free photographer around these parts. What I know is that I came home way not stressed at all about how these turned out, so when they turned out well I was just thrilled.
It does beg the question though: can I really do sessions with only Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux projection lenses on my GFX 50sII?
Whatever the case, right now I do not regret selling the lenses I sold and I am very happy with my kit.
And it felt good to spend all of about 15-20 minutes doing a session and come up with these as the result.
Thanks so much to Kaitlyn and Jonathan for playing along with my experiment.
This session just makes me want to book more sessions. Reach out if you’re interested in something like this!
One of the feet of my grandparents’ 1940s couch…the couch lives in our bedroom now, but this photo was taken as part of a series I did several years ago called One Hundred Sixteen.
Yeah.
I’ve given up cheese and bread and most processed foods. Most of the things I’ve survived on for the 46 years of my life.
So it stands to reason that when I get hungry, and let too much time go between meals, I’d get a little despondent.
Several years ago, probably in 2016 or so, I thought I was dying. I’d had radioactive iodine ablation therapy on my thyroid the year before, and my thyroid levels were not leveling out as they should have. And my calcium levels were high, and I felt terrible, and my endocrinologist was not sure there wasn’t something screwy going on with my pituitary gland….
And I took several of the photos I’d taken in the five years’ prior, and converted them all to black and white and made them into square formats, and made a photo book out of them, and called the project One Hundred Sixteen, related to our address at the time. And I had Ilford silver gelatin prints made of all the photos in the book…..I wanted my husband and kids to have the best of what I had done with the previous five years, in photos, things that my eye had captured over the years.
The photo above is one of those photos included in the book and prints.
And that is how we came to have a crap ton of silver gelatin prints of my early work around the house, and even more live in a drawer in our dining room now, just taking up space.
I don’t have the exif data from that file above, since it’s so heavily altered. But if I had to guess, I took that photo above with a Fuji X-T2 and probably the 56mm f1.2 lens or the 35mm f2 lens. Around that time period all I would have had was the 16mm, the 56mm, the 35mm f2, and the 90mm, all Fuji X Series native lenses. It was for sure either the Fuji X-T2 or the Fuji X-Pro 2 camera.
I laid down for a nap earlier this afternoon because I was tired, and when I woke up I was in an awful, teary state.
I sold off 4 GFX lenses and the second GFX 50sII body this summer, and now I deeply regret it.
If I had the second body, I could go around with both Cinelux lenses on.
If I had the 45-100mm and the 100-200mm lenses, I could better do wildlife photography.
But at the time, I had things I wanted to do and we sort of needed the money and well…. so they went.
And so my meltdown earlier today was about that, and was also about the fact that while nobody paying me doesn’t mean I’m not a photographer, I also realized what I have given up in closing down my business. Even if it cost massive amounts of money I never made with it.
I miss people asking me to take pictures of things, and I miss even more having the gear I had to be able to do so.
Now, arguably, the X-S20 is better for some of that than the GFX gear.
But once you have shot with a medium format camera….it’s hard to go back.
It’s sort of like people who have to downgrade lifestyle stuff.
And I have worked hard these past couple of weeks. Our house isn’t perfectly clean but it is better. The window coverings situation is certainly better, having a dedicated laundry day is better, Nancy is better, having the garage emptied out feels better…..
Having the garage empty means I can get back to my studio selfies. I should plan to do that in the next couple of days.
But then I got through with my pity party enough to go make myself my smoothie– almond milk, wild blueberries, spinach powder, and a banana– and two sips into my smoothie it hit me:
I was despondent because I was hungry.
HA.
Y’all, I am so used to processed foods and cheese and all the yummy goodness. But the things I am eating (today’s breakfast was late and it was almond flour crackers, decaf coffee with marine collagen, and walnut pieces, and I did allow myself a protein bar this morning)….. they metabolize faster. And take more preparation than just grabbing a string cheese and a protein bar, or some goat cheese and sunflower seeds……
*sigh*
I do feel better. I went to bed not depressed last night. It was nice to just know it was time to go to bed and not feel like the world was ending, or like someone was out to get me, a frequent feeling late at night.
And there is personal drama I don’t care to go into going on, both for me and for Jared, and there’s just a lot going on.
And I don’t feel particularly inspired to pick up my cameras, even if I pine away over gear I parted with.
It all feels manufactured and pointless. Jared takes me to the Marina and I sit there with the camera in my hand and remember, not even really seeing what is in front of me.
And honestly, the sunrise photos at the Marina and the duck pictures in the evening are boring at this point.
It’s time for a personal project. And a reckoning.
When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock
Ugh.
I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.
I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.
And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.
*sigh*
The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.
I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.
I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.
I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.
But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.
The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.
Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.
Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.
I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.
In April of 2017, I decided I wanted to photograph a wedding.
And, I refused to do it without getting a business license, creating an LLC, and securing business insurance.
For various reasons, I explored closing down the business 2 other times. I went the whole way– closed the LLC, closed the business bank account, closed the business license out…the whole nine yards. But each time, I found myself ready to dive back in.
This time feels different.
I have sold off one GFX body and 3 lenses. I have downgraded to a Fuji X-S20 as my every day carry camera, though we’ll see how long that lasts because going back to APS-C after nearly 4 years of Fuji medium format is HARD.
48 weddings. Well over 100 portrait sessions. 74 clients in my client database.
Eight years is probably pretty good for as part-time a photographer as I have been.
And, it’s no secret: I am depressed. But, I don’t think closing the business is a symptom of that depression. The depression might be partially part of the result of closing the business, but it is the right decision.
At Liam’s senior session, which he was fabulously attentive for, I was paying careful attention to how I felt in that session. Was closing down the business the right decision?
And, I can honestly say, yes. While I was thrilled to photograph my own child’s senior session, it was very apparent that my head, and my heart, are just not in the game anymore.
I am still a photographer. It is in my blood; I cannot be without a camera. It is highly likely I cannot be without a medium format camera at this point, even.
In 2012 I took my first photography class. It was a documentary photography class.
That class introduced me to my passion. My heart is in documenting life as it happens, in objects as they are; not in posed photography.
We had to pick a documentary photographer to try to emulate.
I remember my instructor asking, in a way that she meant as a compliment, if one of my photographs was mine or the star photographer I’d chosen. She said, “Did you hear what I just said?” She knew her compliment hadn’t really registered. Compliments rarely do with me.
I think maybe I have shortchanged myself in trying to pigeonhole myself into the conventional way of being a photographer.
Kevin Mullins was always the wedding photographer I admired the most. He shows up with small Fuji cameras and refuses to do the posed shots. Everything is candid. If I could convince people those were the shots they will treasure, then I would photograph weddings forever.
I’m not sure the X-S20 is the final stop on the gear rotation. I’m not loving the viewfinder. I’m not loving the APS-C sensor though it is okay with my beloved Cinelux lens. I still sort of want a GFX 100RF. I know the X100 series won’t satisfy me.
And, I’m not sure what is next. I still carry a camera with me in my purse everywhere I go even though I rarely get it out.
It has been a deep honor to photograph so many memories. It has been a privilege to be a part of 48 weddings. I have been the sole visitor waiting on a baby to be born so that I could photograph the first moments in the room, and I sent my camera into the delivery room so Dad could photograph first moments just after the c-section.
I have steamed dresses. I have made bouquets. I have calmed brides. I have on rare occasions adjusted timelines. I have fetched Jared to film weddings impromptu at the last minute.
I didn’t realize in 2017 that I would stick it out for the better part of 8 years. I didn’t realize I would sink so much money into trying to build a business that would never become profitable. I didn’t realize I would pay so much money to be a professional photographer. It cost quite a lot to give people the good deals I gave on sessions; debt we will be paying off for years and years.
And truth be told, if I could go back to about 2014 or so, I would tell myself to forget trying to be what I wasn’t. Keeping up with the Joneses of photography is a no-win proposition.
I’ve stopped looking at the photography forums. I don’t keep up with the Click Community like I did for so many years.
I don’t know what is next. The external job thing wasn’t a good fit; professional photography isn’t meant to be, either.
I intend to pour my heart and soul into this little blog as much as I used to do in 2010-2013 or so when photography overshadowed my writing.
I intend to unearth the mounds of ghosts that enrage my heart, because goodness knows the rage is real and it is time that I stop taking it out on my precious husband.
But one thing is for sure: I am pretty much done trying to be something I am not. I am a very particular sort of photographer, just like I am a very particular sort of writer, just like I am a very particular sort of woman.
I am not to everybody’s tastes. And that is okay.
And yes, I’ve seen some shit. And I’ve been through a lot of stuff that would quite surprise a lot of people who only know me very superficially through my children or through my photography.
And I will probably write about some of that stuff, too. Because I just cannot care what people think anymore. It just doesn’t work.
