Tag: fuji

  • A Pivot

    Well, Christmas didn’t exactly go as planned.

    We planned to travel to go see family in Kansas City and Nebraska for the next ten days.

    Yesterday, we made it as far as Oneonta, Alabama before we decided we should stop at an urgent care for Covid, flu, and strep for Porter because he had a sore throat and no one we were going to visit needed to be exposed to sickness.

    Sure enough, Porter has strep. So, back home we went. Interesting 5 hour drive at least. And I’m glad we found out before we made it all the way to Memphis, which had been our original plan for seeking out an urgent care. The drive back from Alabama was much shorter than the original idea.

    Still, Christmas plans being thwarted is rarely the end of the world.

    Today we slept in and Jared and I went to Costco and Trader Joe’s for goodies. And boy, we did come home with goodies.

    And then tonight, after a predictable meltdown, I returned to creative brainstorming. Because: the gear puzzles in my brain will not stop turning. My brain naturally turns to creative problem-solving when left to its own devices, and my photography gear has been a problem for the last six months.

    When I sold off the second Fuji GFX 50sII and several lenses, and purchased the Fuji X-S20 and started contemplating moving more seriously back to the X series ecosystem, I hit a major creative wall when the first attempt to adapt the Cinelux 37.5mm lens to the X-S20 failed.

    It’s a technicality: When I originally cobbled together the adapter, I could not find a M65 to X Series adapter. I had no idea there was actually a company making them.

    So instead, I bought a M65 to M42 step down lens filter ring, and an M42 to FX adapter.

    And, I proceeded to have a massive meltdown when the lens wouldn’t focus on the X-S20 because the focal point was closer to the sensor than my lens could get. And I gave up, assuming the 37.5mm would only work on the GFX forever.

    However: there is a company making these adapters, and I have one on the way now.

    Which means, my dream of making my GFX be an exclusively monochrome camera while the X-S20 is the color version, shooting Cinelux lenses simultaneously……well, that dream is alive again.

    In my brainstorming, I have also realized exactly how stunted my creativity has been most of the late summer and Fall.

    And I know why that is, and I take it as a very good sign that my creativity is returning. Even if it is only taking the form of creative problem solving thus far, it makes me extremely happy to realize that maybe I am making substantive progress to leaving the past in the past.

    Even if the meltdowns have not completely stopped just yet. The meltdowns may never stop completely; it occurred to me that they may actually be a symptom of the PTSD. But today, I recovered enough to get excited about my art again and that is enough.

  • security blanket camera

    Here’s what I don’t talk about with my photography gear…

    Probably half the time I have my gear out, I just hold it, sitting in my lap. Not for pictures…. It is my security blanket.

    I did it last night at the Marina when I snapped the selfie with Jared, with the X-S20.

    This morning on the way out the door to church, I knew I’d want to hold the GFX after we dropped Porter off at UGA this afternoon, so I threw it into my purse. So here it is, now in my lap as Jared drives us back home to Carrollton.

    I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world with security blanket-type object.

    It’s just that mine have doubled as professional and hobby-type tools at the same time.

    I’m feeling fairly anxious this week. I stood up for my 18-23 year-old self on Thursday, and also my 45 year-old self as well.

    And then I drove to Athens for my oldest.

    And I spent a good portion of the weekend hiding. Because that is what I do.

    And I’m probably going to spend some more time in the next few weeks hiding while I try to get my mental health back in some semblance of equilibrium.

    I’ve lost my laundry routine since before October 20.

    Dishes sit undone for days on end.

    It’s been rough.

    I’m determined to turn a corner, but for now, I hide.

    And I hold my security blankets: my cameras.

    Read more about me here.

  • the crash

    One of the feet of my grandparents’ 1940s couch…the couch lives in our bedroom now, but this photo was taken as part of a series I did several years ago called One Hundred Sixteen.

    Yeah.

    I’ve given up cheese and bread and most processed foods. Most of the things I’ve survived on for the 46 years of my life.

    So it stands to reason that when I get hungry, and let too much time go between meals, I’d get a little despondent.

    Several years ago, probably in 2016 or so, I thought I was dying. I’d had radioactive iodine ablation therapy on my thyroid the year before, and my thyroid levels were not leveling out as they should have. And my calcium levels were high, and I felt terrible, and my endocrinologist was not sure there wasn’t something screwy going on with my pituitary gland….

    And I took several of the photos I’d taken in the five years’ prior, and converted them all to black and white and made them into square formats, and made a photo book out of them, and called the project One Hundred Sixteen, related to our address at the time. And I had Ilford silver gelatin prints made of all the photos in the book…..I wanted my husband and kids to have the best of what I had done with the previous five years, in photos, things that my eye had captured over the years.

    The photo above is one of those photos included in the book and prints.

    And that is how we came to have a crap ton of silver gelatin prints of my early work around the house, and even more live in a drawer in our dining room now, just taking up space.

    I don’t have the exif data from that file above, since it’s so heavily altered. But if I had to guess, I took that photo above with a Fuji X-T2 and probably the 56mm f1.2 lens or the 35mm f2 lens. Around that time period all I would have had was the 16mm, the 56mm, the 35mm f2, and the 90mm, all Fuji X Series native lenses. It was for sure either the Fuji X-T2 or the Fuji X-Pro 2 camera.

    I laid down for a nap earlier this afternoon because I was tired, and when I woke up I was in an awful, teary state.

    I sold off 4 GFX lenses and the second GFX 50sII body this summer, and now I deeply regret it.

    If I had the second body, I could go around with both Cinelux lenses on.

    If I had the 45-100mm and the 100-200mm lenses, I could better do wildlife photography.

    But at the time, I had things I wanted to do and we sort of needed the money and well…. so they went.

    And so my meltdown earlier today was about that, and was also about the fact that while nobody paying me doesn’t mean I’m not a photographer, I also realized what I have given up in closing down my business. Even if it cost massive amounts of money I never made with it.

    I miss people asking me to take pictures of things, and I miss even more having the gear I had to be able to do so.

    Now, arguably, the X-S20 is better for some of that than the GFX gear.

    But once you have shot with a medium format camera….it’s hard to go back.

    It’s sort of like people who have to downgrade lifestyle stuff.

    And I have worked hard these past couple of weeks. Our house isn’t perfectly clean but it is better. The window coverings situation is certainly better, having a dedicated laundry day is better, Nancy is better, having the garage emptied out feels better…..

    Having the garage empty means I can get back to my studio selfies. I should plan to do that in the next couple of days.

    But then I got through with my pity party enough to go make myself my smoothie– almond milk, wild blueberries, spinach powder, and a banana– and two sips into my smoothie it hit me:

    I was despondent because I was hungry.

    HA.

    Y’all, I am so used to processed foods and cheese and all the yummy goodness. But the things I am eating (today’s breakfast was late and it was almond flour crackers, decaf coffee with marine collagen, and walnut pieces, and I did allow myself a protein bar this morning)….. they metabolize faster. And take more preparation than just grabbing a string cheese and a protein bar, or some goat cheese and sunflower seeds……

    *sigh*

    I do feel better. I went to bed not depressed last night. It was nice to just know it was time to go to bed and not feel like the world was ending, or like someone was out to get me, a frequent feeling late at night.

    And there is personal drama I don’t care to go into going on, both for me and for Jared, and there’s just a lot going on.

    And I don’t feel particularly inspired to pick up my cameras, even if I pine away over gear I parted with.

    It all feels manufactured and pointless. Jared takes me to the Marina and I sit there with the camera in my hand and remember, not even really seeing what is in front of me.

    And honestly, the sunrise photos at the Marina and the duck pictures in the evening are boring at this point.

    It’s time for a personal project. And a reckoning.