And all of a sudden, very easily, there is a photography business, complete with LLC and business license, and insurance, and all the things, all over again.
I paid for and picked up my occupational tax certificate on a trauma anniversary, and for most of the day, I was busy, occupied, and proud of myself.
Night comes, bedtime comes, and doubt creeps in.
It’s a sign that it is bedtime.
Caroline Price Luxe didn’t happen overnight. But, it did happen in less than ten days. It took less than 24 hours to have my occupational tax certificate in hand, actually. The city of Carrollton likes to facilitate the establishment of new businesses.
And Gemini helped me re-vamp my logo using my chosen blog colors and my chosen font (well, Gemini picked the sage in my blog colors too, when I provided the precise shade of pink I use, but that’s another story).
And I haven’t forgotten for a single second what I was doing this time last year. And I wrote a Facebook post about it, but I’m not going to dwell here.
Tonight I’m going to bed content that if I want to accept fees for a session I can, and the parameters for sessions are that my beloved Cinelux lenses be used. My Cinelux lenses are the gold standard for cinematic, timeless photography. Photographs made with these lenses look straight out of a movie because quite literally, these are large format movie projection lenses.
And tomorrow, I’m going to make a renewed commitment to attempting to live in the present.
After all, that’s all we really have.
The photo below is representative of what the best of the Cinelux lenses can do. It’s the photo I chose to announce the new venture on Instagram. Kaitlyn and Jonathan were so kind to model for me.
In the coming weeks and months, there will be more model calls. The very nature of Caroline Price Luxe means that a brand new portfolio has to be built from scratch. If you are interested in participating, please inquire.
Here’s what I don’t talk about with my photography gear…
Probably half the time I have my gear out, I just hold it, sitting in my lap. Not for pictures…. It is my security blanket.
I did it last night at the Marina when I snapped the selfie with Jared, with the X-S20.
This morning on the way out the door to church, I knew I’d want to hold the GFX after we dropped Porter off at UGA this afternoon, so I threw it into my purse. So here it is, now in my lap as Jared drives us back home to Carrollton.
I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world with security blanket-type object.
It’s just that mine have doubled as professional and hobby-type tools at the same time.
I’m feeling fairly anxious this week. I stood up for my 18-23 year-old self on Thursday, and also my 45 year-old self as well.
And then I drove to Athens for my oldest.
And I spent a good portion of the weekend hiding. Because that is what I do.
And I’m probably going to spend some more time in the next few weeks hiding while I try to get my mental health back in some semblance of equilibrium.
I’ve lost my laundry routine since before October 20.
Dishes sit undone for days on end.
It’s been rough.
I’m determined to turn a corner, but for now, I hide.
One of the feet of my grandparents’ 1940s couch…the couch lives in our bedroom now, but this photo was taken as part of a series I did several years ago called One Hundred Sixteen.
Yeah.
I’ve given up cheese and bread and most processed foods. Most of the things I’ve survived on for the 46 years of my life.
So it stands to reason that when I get hungry, and let too much time go between meals, I’d get a little despondent.
Several years ago, probably in 2016 or so, I thought I was dying. I’d had radioactive iodine ablation therapy on my thyroid the year before, and my thyroid levels were not leveling out as they should have. And my calcium levels were high, and I felt terrible, and my endocrinologist was not sure there wasn’t something screwy going on with my pituitary gland….
And I took several of the photos I’d taken in the five years’ prior, and converted them all to black and white and made them into square formats, and made a photo book out of them, and called the project One Hundred Sixteen, related to our address at the time. And I had Ilford silver gelatin prints made of all the photos in the book…..I wanted my husband and kids to have the best of what I had done with the previous five years, in photos, things that my eye had captured over the years.
The photo above is one of those photos included in the book and prints.
And that is how we came to have a crap ton of silver gelatin prints of my early work around the house, and even more live in a drawer in our dining room now, just taking up space.
I don’t have the exif data from that file above, since it’s so heavily altered. But if I had to guess, I took that photo above with a Fuji X-T2 and probably the 56mm f1.2 lens or the 35mm f2 lens. Around that time period all I would have had was the 16mm, the 56mm, the 35mm f2, and the 90mm, all Fuji X Series native lenses. It was for sure either the Fuji X-T2 or the Fuji X-Pro 2 camera.
I laid down for a nap earlier this afternoon because I was tired, and when I woke up I was in an awful, teary state.
I sold off 4 GFX lenses and the second GFX 50sII body this summer, and now I deeply regret it.
If I had the second body, I could go around with both Cinelux lenses on.
If I had the 45-100mm and the 100-200mm lenses, I could better do wildlife photography.
But at the time, I had things I wanted to do and we sort of needed the money and well…. so they went.
And so my meltdown earlier today was about that, and was also about the fact that while nobody paying me doesn’t mean I’m not a photographer, I also realized what I have given up in closing down my business. Even if it cost massive amounts of money I never made with it.
I miss people asking me to take pictures of things, and I miss even more having the gear I had to be able to do so.
Now, arguably, the X-S20 is better for some of that than the GFX gear.
But once you have shot with a medium format camera….it’s hard to go back.
It’s sort of like people who have to downgrade lifestyle stuff.
And I have worked hard these past couple of weeks. Our house isn’t perfectly clean but it is better. The window coverings situation is certainly better, having a dedicated laundry day is better, Nancy is better, having the garage emptied out feels better…..
Having the garage empty means I can get back to my studio selfies. I should plan to do that in the next couple of days.
But then I got through with my pity party enough to go make myself my smoothie– almond milk, wild blueberries, spinach powder, and a banana– and two sips into my smoothie it hit me:
I was despondent because I was hungry.
HA.
Y’all, I am so used to processed foods and cheese and all the yummy goodness. But the things I am eating (today’s breakfast was late and it was almond flour crackers, decaf coffee with marine collagen, and walnut pieces, and I did allow myself a protein bar this morning)….. they metabolize faster. And take more preparation than just grabbing a string cheese and a protein bar, or some goat cheese and sunflower seeds……
*sigh*
I do feel better. I went to bed not depressed last night. It was nice to just know it was time to go to bed and not feel like the world was ending, or like someone was out to get me, a frequent feeling late at night.
And there is personal drama I don’t care to go into going on, both for me and for Jared, and there’s just a lot going on.
And I don’t feel particularly inspired to pick up my cameras, even if I pine away over gear I parted with.
It all feels manufactured and pointless. Jared takes me to the Marina and I sit there with the camera in my hand and remember, not even really seeing what is in front of me.
And honestly, the sunrise photos at the Marina and the duck pictures in the evening are boring at this point.
It’s time for a personal project. And a reckoning.
When our neighbor, Mrs. Simmons, died, her daughter graciously gave us her grandfather clock
Ugh.
I have tried every which way to think of ways I could make do with just the Fuji X-S20. I really have.
I did a free session for some friends the other day and I was absolutely certain upon seeing the outcome of those photos that the X-S20 was fine as an only camera.
And then, in my Facebook memories, I came up on a selfie I took 3 years ago in which I proclaimed that if I could shoot monochrome with only the Cinelux lens on the GFX 50sII, I 100% would.
*sigh*
The photo of Mrs. Simmons’ clock above, that lives in our foyer, was shot with that very combination– the Cinelux lens and the GFX 50sII. My house is not in very photo-worthy condition right now, but the reflections in that clock face absolutely tell me all I need to know about that Cinelux lens and that GFX 50sII. The shadow and bokeh behind the clock tell the rest.
I can’t sell the GFX 50sII. I just cannot do it.
I might be able to part with the 80mm f1.7 eventually. I am feeling a deep call to use my manual focuses lenses right now; the 50mm f2 Minolta is on the X-S20 right now.
I’d really, really hoped I could let go of the GFX. I am feeling a strong call to be sensible and responsible in light of quitting the job.
But, with no business and nobody really to answer to anymore with my photography, now is my chance. I can shoot all day everyday in black and white with that beautiful Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra lens on the GFX and nobody is going to say a word about it.
The X-S20 can be for when I want to do free sessions for friends, which I know I will want to continue to do.
Choice causes me paralysis. This is why I really did think about sending the X-S20 back altogether; I think my growth as an artist is going to be in restricting my tools.
Though, it does bring me more peace, now that the decision not to sell the GFX 50siI has been made for now. Jared has been telling me for weeks that I shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of the GFX 50sII and now I know he is right.
I should listen to my husband more often. He should make note of the fact that I have said this in writing here, today.
