I don’t even want to talk about the state of the world these days. From my vantage point, it’s not my place to do the talking. I just want to listen.
Randomness: I’ve Been Depressed
Mental health has been a heavy subject over the past several weeks in this household. I started therapy the week after the shutdown started in March and it’s been a life-giving experience. However, reliance on certain medications has made for bizarre, contradictory dreams about the past and fictional ways the past and the present could intersect and that is bothersome. Sometimes they are very vivid. It makes it so that I dread falling asleep at night. When I wake up and it becomes very clear that parts of my subconscious conflict with where my conscious mind is firmly at these days, it depresses me that I haven’t made more progress. Apparently it’s a self-trust issue. I don’t care to be more specific at the moment.
I’ve read two books that have helped immensely: Girl, Stop Apologizing by Rachel Hollis and I only lack a little bit to finish up Embrace Your Weird by Felicia Day. Next up will be Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis.
I’ve dropped the Ten Percent Happier subscription mainly because I got to where I wasn’t religiously listening to it every day and $14.99 is a lot to pay for a meditation app I don’t use with regularity. But, I learned a lot while I was using it that was useful and I feel like the investment we made was well worth it. I continue to be interested in mindfulness: in fact, it is a core tool in my self-care at the moment.
Porter starts rookie camp this week and I am happy he will get to see his friends and I am glad they are encouraging the wearing of masks. It was a conflicted thing to decide to let him go, but he is the most mature 13 year old I have ever met and he will do his best to take care of himself and maintain appropriate social distancing. But it’s awfully hard to let the reins go as a parent– he’s been virtually nowhere besides Grandma and Grandpa’s and for rides in the car since March 13.
Randomness: thinking ahead to school for the 2020-2021 year, we’ve tossed around a variety of ideas. Or, at least, I have tossed around ideas. I considered online school for the boys, which Jared and my family of course were not in favor of. And the boys do not want to go to a different school than their friends, and I do not relish the idea of any type of homeschooling, even if it means a virtual teacher-led series of courses.
Ultimately, we’ve decided that we will do whatever the school system deems appropriate, but I have made the decision that I will quit being the Mom that says, “Under all circumstances you will ride the bus.” I have been that mom for years and years. But social distancing is impossible on the bus. So, for this school year and probably until there is a COVID vaccine, the boys will be car riders.
We closed on our house four years ago today. I can’t say that it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, but it doesn’t feel like it’s been four years since I’ve stepped foot in our old house.
Randomness: this house that I was so sure we would struggle to pay for. This house that has my inheritance from my Nannie and GaGa wrapped up in it so that it feels like they are still taking care of us. This house that we have worked so hard, piece by piece, to make over as is our style. This house that gives our boys each their own space and privacy.
This house has brought with it a sense of stability that we didn’t have in our earlier married and family years. It’s just a house and I have gotten away at times from the gratitude that I do feel in regard to this house, in dreaming of other spaces. But today, all I feel is that gratitude.