The school decision has been tough. My first instinct with all this was to keep my babies close to home but so much was at stake…..the fact that I need my space during the day for mental health purposes, the fact that I wasn’t good to do Oliver’s lessons during the Spring shutdown, the fact that Porter really wants to meet upperclassmen and was slated to participate in marching band, as well as experiencing his whole freshman year at the high school…..and Liam moving to the Junior High and esports club and band there.
My first instinct was to keep them home, but then I got caught up in the excitement over the preparation for school, and I convinced myself that yes, some people were going to get sick, but it was fine for them to go to school.
And then things kept getting worse.
I am glad a lot of stores are going to require masks now. We are still doing mostly Instacart and Amazon for shopping.
But the school decision…..it has tormented me.
It tormented me enough that it took me back to November 12, 1998. After Jared and I decided to do the online option for school, I dreamed about that man. A different spin on that night, that night repeating over and over in my dream. Different settings, same result.
When I woke up, yes, there was the despondency over school. But the drain of energy I felt wasn’t as much about that as it was having him back in my mind. I go whole days and don’t think about him or those years anymore. But there was the drain of energy over the remembering, as well. A deep feeling of lack of control over anything, a remembering of the first time I was violated. It’s not just an emotional state: it takes over my whole being, my whole body.
The only redemption is remembering I am safe and it is today and not 21+ years ago. Remembering that Jared values me and our relationship and our life together and that he places respect over all else. Remembering that I never have to see him again. Remembering that most days I think more about the future, less about the past.
By mid-afternoon it was just a lingering hangover of despair.
This pandemic has some things in common with that day though. They both make me feel violated about things I want from my life, from my family’s lives. I wouldn’t have connected the school decision with that terrible man, but I guess my subconscious does.
At least the dream was more realistic and less delusional: he was violent in the dream, and angry. Other dreams about him in recent weeks have been in the opposite direction, trying to reverse reality. Too complicated to explain.
I am so thankful to be thinking and journaling more about the future these days, even if my subconscious is fighting it.