Category: Spaces

  • fallout

    I’ve been procrastinating writing all day.

    First, I slept until nearly 10 AM today.

    Then I got up and ate breakfast, did my gratitude list, did our CHRISTMAS SHOPPING for heaven’s sake…..

    Then I swept the floors in the main area of the house.

    Then I doom scrolled for the better part of an hour.

    *sigh*

    I am on a mission to clean up my house. The house isn’t the problem. Living in my standards of squalor is the problem.

    Sweeping the floors is the first step in combatting this issue.

    My generous Mama offered to have someone come in and help do a deep clean, but honestly, I’d rather just get in the habit of doing it myself. And it’s very embarrassing to have someone come in here and see exactly how bad it really is/was.

    Sweeping the floors went a long way. If I can get to the boys’ bathroom floors yet today the house will nearly be presentable.

    We have 3 cats and 2 dogs. 2 elderly dogs. It makes keeping the house clean an ongoing, losing battle.

    The dogs have reached the puppy-pad stage of life. One of our dogs can no longer hold its bladder all night long and none of us can get up in the night to take her out.

    And truth be told, the grime and the gunk and the clutter– most of which, admittedly, is mine– is a major source of my depression.

    Laundry for 4 people will always be a challenge.

    It’s weird to say laundry for 4 people– I am not doing Porter’s laundry anymore since he has his own apartment on the other side of the state.

    Somehow, laundry for 4 people is not that much better than laundry for 5 people, actually.

    I’m on a mission to be a more regular blogger, too, and to write about the messiness of life on top of the actual messiness of the house.

    And the messiness of life means that writing about stuff that I really don’t want to write about.

    If I put it in writing, then I have to deal with it.

    And dealing with it is uncomfortable.

    It’s easier to be moody and go back to bed.

    But, I probably have the world’s best husband.

    And family, actually.

    And kids.

    And…..

    I am grateful.

    Even if I screw up sometimes.

    The truth is, I brought last December’s trauma on myself.

    I should have known better than to meet up with the person I did.

    But, I did so because I wanted to see for myself if I could face him.

    And, I could. I am stronger than I think I am.

    But the events of those two days plummeted me into a nearly 6-month long psychiatric issue that I am really only just coming to terms with.

    Friendships suffered. Relationships with family suffered.

    I did cut contact off with him, but I caved and messaged him in June.

    And it’s not like the things that bother me don’t bother me. It’s just that usually I can keep my mental crap together enough to watch my own verbal and emotional filters.

    And yeah, that man exposed me to his HPV. And I might have to deal with throat or some sort of other oral cancer someday because of it.

    And it’s even possible that the fallout discovered from the hysterectomy– the extensive fibrosis and scar tissue around my right ovary….all that might have been due to ancient pelvic inflammatory disease I never knew about, due to some unknown STD from being involved with that person a million years ago.

    I wanted to the hysterectomy because I wanted to prevent future cancer risks. I hadn’t known that it was sort of necessary now anyway.

    And I’m still dealing with all the emotional fallout from all that, too.

    And this is stuff I don’t talk about with anybody besides Jared.

    But not writing about it is not doing my mental health any good.

    So, here I am blogging in old 2010-2012 style.

    And hoping that I can keep my crap together long enough to at least get Oliver’s laundry and Liam’s sheets all washed and dried before bedtime.

  • and life goes on

    The Marina a little after 8 AM this morning

    I’m actually not sure how depressed I actually am, versus exactly how much I was really just dreading the first day of school.

    The first day of school is today.

    And Liam and Jared got off in time for Liam to be at school for Senior Sunrise. Oliver and I spent about 30 minutes in traffic because for some reason, the first week of school requires people to not drive like they normally would. And for some reason, all those parents who normally do not drive their kids to school, whose children usually ride the bus, have to bring their precious darlings for the first week or so. Or people forget how the crossing guards who direct traffic really do know what they are doing. It’s a thing for sure, the first week of school.

    But, I managed to get them off to school. I managed to get to the Marina for a shortly-after-sunrise photo, which was a regular thing last Spring. I managed to come home and make my coffee. I managed to scoop the cat litter. I managed to get every bit of trash in this house taken out to the dumpster and the dumpster was taken to the street. I’m making my breakfast. I did my meditation. I allowed myself my normal doomscrolling.

    It’s time for a new routine.

    And just for today, I am going to focus on one thing at the time. After breakfast, I intend to do my yoga. I might allow myself a mid-morning nap.

    Food routines have been hard too, and that has also meant there have been entirely too many sweets etc. But this morning I let myself have a piece of my brie before taking Oliver to school. I had my protein bar when I got back. Now that I am having my coffee, water is boiling because I am hungry enough for a real meal so I am fixing myself some Banza pasta with goat cheese and garlic and sunflower seeds.

    And, all that means that I will probably end up being back to somewhat of my intermittent fasting, with eating finishing up around 3 PM. Which is a good goal.

    I feel like I am getting back into a writing routine, which is welcome. It’s strange to think that I was so frozen for so long. I’m still writing about superficial stuff which is okay– the other will come I am sure. But for now, this is enough.

    And it’s a pretty darn good feeling to feel better about the world this morning.

  • recovery and beading

    Hysterectomy recovery isn’t so easy. It would probably be easier if there was more actual pain to keep me from wanting to be active.

    Yesterday, I took Liam on a tour of Georgia Tech– well, I attended the presentation, Liam went on the tour while I sat at the student center.

    It has long been a goal to get the things that we don’t absolutely want to keep forever cleaned out from storage in various places around our house. So, after we got home yesterday, I had Liam bring up some boxes of toys.

    And, I went through some boxes that Jared had brought up previously.

    And then, all of a sudden I was bleeding more than I really have at all since the surgery.

    So, Jared has put me on bedrest. I was supposed to take Liam to Kennesaw State for his tour there today, but Jared took the day off to take him instead.

    And I know all this will be worth it in the end, I know that there were problems we didn’t even know about that were addressed by the surgery. But right now, it is not feeling very worth it.

    I am not a very good patient, to say the least.

    Treasures were found when we were going through things yesterday, and among them was this cameo pendant. I made a necklace for my best friend to wear when she was maid of honor in our wedding, and it wasn’t her style so I inherited it after the wedding. It has been several iterations of necklaces at this point, and I was pretty sure it was lost forever at this point. I am thrilled to be able to make another necklace with it.

    It’s not the best photo and the necklace may seem like an odd combo of beads and colors to other people but all these beads are sentimental to me: the cameo because of the wedding. There are also some of the crystal beads I wore myself in a different necklace on our wedding day. And some other antique beads that are sentimental, and the glass beads are ones that I made as part of a lamp work bead-making class that Jared gave me in 2010 or so.

    I made another necklace, too, that was kind of fun:

    Other than that, watching a whole bunch of trashy Maury TV has helped me feel slightly better today, as well.

    In addition to my own treasures, we are in the process of going through the lifetime’s worth of toys that the boys have accumulated, mostly stored for several years now. Soooo very proud of Liam, Porter, and Oliver, both for their work yesterday and for Liam and Oliver setting aside about half of their outdoor toys to get rid of today.

    We are getting ready for a garage sale sometime soon, though it may be September or so before we get around to it. It will be cooler by then, too.

  • lock swing

    Close to our house there is a lake, and by the lake there is a log cabin. And next to the log cabin there is a swing that people have brought locks to put on. Most of them are couples type locks.

    I’m exploring personal and documentary type photography again, so when my husband and I went to the lock swing last Friday night, I pulled the camera out of my purse and got busy. It was a fun and stress-free way to engage with the photography I love. I’ve missed my documentary style photography.

    Below are a few more shots from that night.

    You can read more about me here.

  • decorating with what we already have

    decorating with what we already have

    Decorating with What We Already Have — Yesterday, I got a wild hair and decided it was time to re-arrange our living room.

    Oliver has been complaining about the fact that we have to turn our smaller couch around any time we want him to be able to sit there to watch TV; our TV is mounted above our fireplace.

    We have a fairly large living room that featured two couches; a leather couch and a smaller green fabric two-seater couch. Most of the time, in case we have company, we have had the green couch facing the coffee table and the other couch. That meant that the couch needed to be turned around when we had movie nights and more people would be watching the TV.

    A little over a year ago, gracious friends gave me a settee for the studio. It will still be used for studio purposes. But in between shoots, the settee is going to live in our living room now. I moved it in, moved the leather couch and our coffee table way back into the previously unused space, and turned the green sofa around. I put the cream settee and the green sofa back to back. We will use the cream settee and the side chairsfor visiting with people. The green couch will be used by the kids or anyone when we are all watching TV together.

    I am thrilled with the outcome. I added the sitting pillow from the peacock chair from the studio, as well as the “You Are My Sunshine” pillow that Jared gave me for Christmas to the cream settee. Our whole living room looks bigger and more inviting.

    I had to be sure there was adequate walking room both between the cream settee and the leather couch for walking. Our primary entry into the house is the double doors right beside the leather couch. We really do not have a back side to our home. We have two driveways and the front door has steps. So, we mostly invite guests to come in the back double doors off our back driveway, by the garage where we park. We use the front door mostly for taking the dogs outside, or for guests that just want to come to the front door.

    Decorating with What We Already Have

    It feels like a new living room, and not a dime was spent on re-decorating. This is my favorite way of re-decorating because our belongings we have are more than adequate for our needs and to be honest- for most of my wants.

    I did discover the limits of our luxury vinyl plank flooring that we installed when we moved in two years ago. There are small, slight scratches below the coffee table and below where the leather couch used to sit. They don’t bother me; actually, the pattern of the flooring makes any scratches look like they belong and blend really well. So, it adds a sort of lived-in character to the flooring. I stand by my earlier statements on social media that this flooring was far and away the best decision we could have made as an upgrade when we purchased this house in late 2021.

    All of the pieces in our living room are either hand-me downs, or sentimental, aside from the leather couch. Our friend Johnny Jackson made the coffee table, our friends the Boyd’s gave us the piano, my parents gave us the green chair and sofa. My parents also gave us the cream chair after my aunt gave it to her, after my Nannie gave it to my aunt. (We pass furniture around in my family a lot, so things rarely actually leave the family.)

    The cream chair’s upholstery has seen better days thanks to our cats, but that chair is well over 100 years old at this point. It originally belonged to my grandmother’s aunt, who was born in 1870. It is still as sturdy as the old days, having been reupholstered at least once. It is one of my favorite chairs in the house. It is so much higher quality than anything you can walk into a store and buy these days.

    Thankfully, keeping scratching posts around the living room really does quite a lot to re-focus the cats’ energy on not tearing up the furniture. We didn’t discover that fact early on, but they’ve been in place over a year now and it’s really saving our furniture.

    That’s all I have for today.

    Love,
    Caroline