Category: social justice

  • July 7, 2003

    Date: Mon 7 Jul 2003 10:32:30 -0700 (PDT)
    From: “Caroline Ellison” <cosettecie@yahoo.com>
    Subject: A not-so “Manic Monday”
    To: “Jared Price” <maxtheape@yahoo.com>

    Jared,

    I had a great time during our chat as well; the time really went by too fast! I did have a good visit with my grandparents; though I’ve only lived an hour or so away for most of my life, they love having me ten minutes down the road, and I go several times a week to have dinner with them.

    I look forward to hearing anything you’re willing to share about Jerusalem .I think the most intriguing thing I’ve heard from other people is visiting the Western Wall; the social dynamics of how strict they are about keeping the men and women separate fascinate me. But I’ve only heard the Jewish perspective on that; How does it work with the other faiths?

    My absolute favorite song in the entire world is Josh Groban and Charlotte Church’s version of “The Prayer”… :) Their voices make an incredible combination.

    Well, I’m calling it a short day at work today; during the week I do data entry, and I just can’t stare at the computer screen to edit our database anymore! It’s pretty deserted because lots of people are still on vacation. I love my job and the fact that it’s a flexible schedule, but the downside to that is that sometimes there’s little motivation to make myself stay all day!

    I hope we can chat again soon,

    Caroline
    ____________________________________________________________________

    You know, I abandoned my Yahoo email account probably about 2007, maybe earlier than that. I’ve long wondered what fragments of thoughts might be hanging out in those old archives.

    But I don’t wonder enough to hunt down wherever Yahoo data breaches have ended up to see if anyone was willing to fish around for it for me.

    Not that interesting.

    And anyway, I have a sizable amount of my old emails printed out. For instance, the one quoted above that I sent my now husband.

    But, I figure someone out there has access to my old cosettecie@yahoo.com archives, because someone in China pinged my Google Analytics yesterday with the precise time stamp as if they were trying to access a post like this on my blog.

    So since someone was so interested, or maybe even had read it already: here it is for the rest of the world.

    There’s other interesting tidbits in my Google Analytics; lots of nonsensical links that would naturally take someone to the search field on my 404 page. Which is why my 404 page is now customized with a photo of myself in my ex Chris’s foyer, holding Muffin, the cat that I gave him at some point in probably early 2003 after she nearly destroyed some very sentimental family items and scraped up my face and hands with a scar that I still have on my left hand, in fact.

    And, actually, someone or some bot simultaneously from Coshocton, Ohio, and Lake City, Florida, looked for /7-July-2003/ on my blog earlier today, as well. In fact, the Lake City, Florida visitor remained on my 404 page for three minutes and three seconds.

    So, whoever you are, if you have access to my old cosettecie@yahoo.com archives, good for you. I’m sure there’s a lot of heartache and happiness and just general drama around in those old archives, as that was one of my college emails. I feel really bad for you if you are stuck sorting through that melodrama on behalf of anyone.

    While you’re at it, you might as well hunt down my old Hotmail archives as well, I’m sure caroline_gsu@hotmail.com archives would be a read of melodramatic young adult drama, as well.

  • Current Mood

  • this man is my hero

    Jared and I got in a fight today. And the content or reason is not important, nor is how it resolved other than to say that it is over now.

    In the process, though, I found out something that reminded me of why Jared is my hero:

    Before my October meeting with the man-who-shall-not-be-named, Jared sent said person a message demanding respect for me during said meeting.

    Jared never told me a word about it, until the heat of the moment today, when I accused him of never standing up for me against said individual.

    And that specific knowledge goes a long way toward both healing last December, and also making me feel very, very, very safe with my husband. It also rather dramatically explains that while verbal harassment occurred in October, physical boundaries were observed.

    I’ve long known that Jared will go to bat, at great length, for me.

    But knowing that he warned this particular individual as to protecting my safety, regardless of what actually happened, I am certain went a long way toward ensuring at least physical boundaries were observed.

    I love my husband. Emotional and physical safety and protection are just two more reasons why. Indeed, they are the whole reason I chose Jared 22 years ago, when presented between the choice of the two of them.

  • moral bankruptcy

    Arapaho National Forest

    I’ve been pretty strong and determined the last few days; since the 12th, actually. Able to hold my head up and all that. Last night, the facade crumbled.

    It all had to do with the newest jute purse. It’s going to be big enough to hold both cameras but Jared makes my liners. And I wanted him to make a round pocket large enough for my GF lenses. It was a random thought I had not long before we sat so Jared could look again at his measurement notes to cut the felt and canvas.

    And Jared had reservations about the fact that I wanted the pocket to be round, and I pitched a fit.

    Jared said he had been expecting the meltdown, when I came to enough to realize what was happening.

    I am so very lucky I married the man I did.

    And, I wore my hair in pigtails on Friday and yesterday afternoon. And apparently the trope is universal; a guy on the square gave me a big smile and someone at the football game (a man) “complimented” the style on Friday night.

    sigh

    It’s been an experiment, this hair thing. Not a sexualizing sort of thing; having even just below chin length hair is still a novelty and it’s fun to be able to do anything different with my hair after years of baldness and super short hair.

    But even as strong as I am, I have limits. And the realization that I have been objectified by the person I’ve written about is still very, very painful.

    It’s still painful in the same way that the realization that the whole situationship was really one giant trauma bond is.

    I am strong, and I put on a brave face. And I never have to see him again.

    And that is hard too: working through a trauma bond is a process.

    But it’s not the first time I have done this breaking of the trauma bond, even with this person, and I will be fine.

    Jared said last night that getting together with him in October 20th was progress; last December I had no earthly idea what to expect. This time, I was prepared with boundaries.

    But really: what kind of professional as successful as him (especially in his particular field with the connections he has) meets with someone he at least at one time pretended to care about, knowing this person is on SSDI and is desperate for a job, and offers absolutely zero assistance?

    Someone who is morally bankrupt, that’s who.

    But then, moral bankruptcy with that particular history is a given.

    I like to think the best of people. Maybe that is where I went so wrong.

    When someone tells you who they are the first time, believe them.

    Because it actually serves this person’s ends and ego to have me in an economically disadvantaged position. I am well-aware of this fact, too.