Category: Memoir

  • Current Mood

  • A Pivot

    Well, Christmas didn’t exactly go as planned.

    We planned to travel to go see family in Kansas City and Nebraska for the next ten days.

    Yesterday, we made it as far as Oneonta, Alabama before we decided we should stop at an urgent care for Covid, flu, and strep for Porter because he had a sore throat and no one we were going to visit needed to be exposed to sickness.

    Sure enough, Porter has strep. So, back home we went. Interesting 5 hour drive at least. And I’m glad we found out before we made it all the way to Memphis, which had been our original plan for seeking out an urgent care. The drive back from Alabama was much shorter than the original idea.

    Still, Christmas plans being thwarted is rarely the end of the world.

    Today we slept in and Jared and I went to Costco and Trader Joe’s for goodies. And boy, we did come home with goodies.

    And then tonight, after a predictable meltdown, I returned to creative brainstorming. Because: the gear puzzles in my brain will not stop turning. My brain naturally turns to creative problem-solving when left to its own devices, and my photography gear has been a problem for the last six months.

    When I sold off the second Fuji GFX 50sII and several lenses, and purchased the Fuji X-S20 and started contemplating moving more seriously back to the X series ecosystem, I hit a major creative wall when the first attempt to adapt the Cinelux 37.5mm lens to the X-S20 failed.

    It’s a technicality: When I originally cobbled together the adapter, I could not find a M65 to X Series adapter. I had no idea there was actually a company making them.

    So instead, I bought a M65 to M42 step down lens filter ring, and an M42 to FX adapter.

    And, I proceeded to have a massive meltdown when the lens wouldn’t focus on the X-S20 because the focal point was closer to the sensor than my lens could get. And I gave up, assuming the 37.5mm would only work on the GFX forever.

    However: there is a company making these adapters, and I have one on the way now.

    Which means, my dream of making my GFX be an exclusively monochrome camera while the X-S20 is the color version, shooting Cinelux lenses simultaneously……well, that dream is alive again.

    In my brainstorming, I have also realized exactly how stunted my creativity has been most of the late summer and Fall.

    And I know why that is, and I take it as a very good sign that my creativity is returning. Even if it is only taking the form of creative problem solving thus far, it makes me extremely happy to realize that maybe I am making substantive progress to leaving the past in the past.

    Even if the meltdowns have not completely stopped just yet. The meltdowns may never stop completely; it occurred to me that they may actually be a symptom of the PTSD. But today, I recovered enough to get excited about my art again and that is enough.

  • caroline price luxe

    I did a thing. 

    And all of a sudden, very easily, there is a photography business, complete with LLC and business license, and insurance, and all the things, all over again. 

    I paid for and picked up my occupational tax certificate on a trauma anniversary, and for most of the day, I was busy, occupied, and proud of myself. 

    Night comes, bedtime comes, and doubt creeps in. 

    It’s a sign that it is bedtime. 

    Caroline Price Luxe didn’t happen overnight. But, it did happen in less than ten days. It took less than 24 hours to have my occupational tax certificate in hand, actually. The city of Carrollton likes to facilitate the establishment of new businesses. 

    And Gemini helped me re-vamp my logo using my chosen blog colors and my chosen font (well, Gemini picked the sage in my blog colors too, when I provided the precise shade of pink I use, but that’s another story).

    And I haven’t forgotten for a single second what I was doing this time last year. And I wrote a Facebook post about it, but I’m not going to dwell here.

    Tonight I’m going to bed content that if I want to accept fees for a session I can, and the parameters for sessions are that my beloved Cinelux lenses be used. My Cinelux lenses are the gold standard for cinematic, timeless photography. Photographs made with these lenses look straight out of a movie because quite literally, these are large format movie projection lenses. 

    And tomorrow, I’m going to make a renewed commitment to attempting to live in the present. 

    After all, that’s all we really have. 

    The photo below is representative of what the best of the Cinelux lenses can do. It’s the photo I chose to announce the new venture on Instagram. Kaitlyn and Jonathan were so kind to model for me.

    In the coming weeks and months, there will be more model calls. The very nature of Caroline Price Luxe means that a brand new portfolio has to be built from scratch. If you are interested in participating, please inquire. 

    I’m ready. 

  • this man is my hero

    Jared and I got in a fight today. And the content or reason is not important, nor is how it resolved other than to say that it is over now.

    In the process, though, I found out something that reminded me of why Jared is my hero:

    Before my October meeting with the man-who-shall-not-be-named, Jared sent said person a message demanding respect for me during said meeting.

    Jared never told me a word about it, until the heat of the moment today, when I accused him of never standing up for me against said individual.

    And that specific knowledge goes a long way toward both healing last December, and also making me feel very, very, very safe with my husband. It also rather dramatically explains that while verbal harassment occurred in October, physical boundaries were observed.

    I’ve long known that Jared will go to bat, at great length, for me.

    But knowing that he warned this particular individual as to protecting my safety, regardless of what actually happened, I am certain went a long way toward ensuring at least physical boundaries were observed.

    I love my husband. Emotional and physical safety and protection are just two more reasons why. Indeed, they are the whole reason I chose Jared 22 years ago, when presented between the choice of the two of them.

  • thankful

    Arapaho National Forest

    I am aware that most of the time in writing at least, I am the bringer of doom-and-gloom.

    Today, though, I am grateful.

    I have a gratitude practice that I do most days in my journal app. I just don’t publish it because most of the time it has things that I wouldn’t necessarily want the world to know.

    Here’s today’s gratitude list:

    1. I am grateful for Jared.
    2. I am grateful for my marriage to Jared.
    3. I am grateful for Porter.
    4. I am grateful for Liam.
    5. I am grateful for Oliver.
    6. I am grateful for Abby.
    7. I am grateful for Trixie.
    8. I am grateful for Mow.
    9. I am grateful for Nancy.
    10. I am grateful for Bess.
    11. I am grateful for my side of the family.
    12. I am grateful for Jared’s side of the family.
    13. I am grateful Jared has a good job.
    14. I am grateful our kids are getting stellar education.
    15. I am grateful Porter has a safe place to live in Athens.
    16. I am grateful Liam got into UGA.
    17. I am grateful Oliver had such a good time doing the play, “Oliver” at school.
    18. I am grateful that all three of our children are healthy.
    19. I am grateful that we have a home.
    20. I am grateful that we have a nice home.
    21. I am grateful that we have reliable transportation.
    22. I am grateful that Jared and the boys helped me clean up our house yesterday.
    23. I am grateful we are all physically able to clean and do household chores.
    24. I am grateful we have enough to eat.
    25. I am grateful for good friends.
    26. I am grateful for our church family.
    27. I am grateful to be a photographer.
    28. I am grateful to like to write.
    29. I am grateful to be learning to leave the past in the past.
    30. I am grateful we can pay our bills.
    31. I am grateful that I am learning to like living in Carrollton more.
    32. I am grateful Porter and Liam have their driver’s licenses.
    33. I am grateful Porter and Liam are good drivers.
    34. I am grateful to be having Costco deli Mac and cheese for lunch today.
    35. I am grateful to be alive.
    36. I am grateful to be 46 years old.
    37. I am grateful to have learned a lot about caring for my mental health over my adult lifetime.
    38. I am grateful for healing.
    39. I am grateful for time alone to think.
    40. I am grateful to have been married to Jared for 20 years.
    41. I am grateful for good choices.
    42. I am grateful for a good night’s sleep.
    43. I am grateful that my whole family has enough clothes to wear.
    44. I am grateful for my education.
    45. I am grateful for appreciating history: my own, my family’s, and the broader world.
    46. I am grateful I was a religious studies major.
    47. I am grateful it’s not too late.
    48. I am grateful for my life.
    49. I am grateful for love.
    50. I am grateful that today is a good day.

    And with that, I am going to focus on today, today.

    I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.