Category: health

  • and life goes on

    The Marina a little after 8 AM this morning

    I’m actually not sure how depressed I actually am, versus exactly how much I was really just dreading the first day of school.

    The first day of school is today.

    And Liam and Jared got off in time for Liam to be at school for Senior Sunrise. Oliver and I spent about 30 minutes in traffic because for some reason, the first week of school requires people to not drive like they normally would. And for some reason, all those parents who normally do not drive their kids to school, whose children usually ride the bus, have to bring their precious darlings for the first week or so. Or people forget how the crossing guards who direct traffic really do know what they are doing. It’s a thing for sure, the first week of school.

    But, I managed to get them off to school. I managed to get to the Marina for a shortly-after-sunrise photo, which was a regular thing last Spring. I managed to come home and make my coffee. I managed to scoop the cat litter. I managed to get every bit of trash in this house taken out to the dumpster and the dumpster was taken to the street. I’m making my breakfast. I did my meditation. I allowed myself my normal doomscrolling.

    It’s time for a new routine.

    And just for today, I am going to focus on one thing at the time. After breakfast, I intend to do my yoga. I might allow myself a mid-morning nap.

    Food routines have been hard too, and that has also meant there have been entirely too many sweets etc. But this morning I let myself have a piece of my brie before taking Oliver to school. I had my protein bar when I got back. Now that I am having my coffee, water is boiling because I am hungry enough for a real meal so I am fixing myself some Banza pasta with goat cheese and garlic and sunflower seeds.

    And, all that means that I will probably end up being back to somewhat of my intermittent fasting, with eating finishing up around 3 PM. Which is a good goal.

    I feel like I am getting back into a writing routine, which is welcome. It’s strange to think that I was so frozen for so long. I’m still writing about superficial stuff which is okay– the other will come I am sure. But for now, this is enough.

    And it’s a pretty darn good feeling to feel better about the world this morning.

  • depressed

    Jared and Oliver at the Marina earlier tonight. Schneide-Kreuznach Cinelux-Ultra 85mm f2 on GFX 50sII

    I’m not sorry I sold the second GFX body.

    I’m not sorry I sold 4 of my GFX lenses.

    I’m not sorry I quit the part-time job I’d gotten in July.

    I’m thrilled that Porter is off at UGA and has a beautiful brand new apartment in a brand new apartment building.

    I’m thrilled that Liam has a vibrant social life, and that Oliver is running cross country.

    I’m not even all that sad that school starts tomorrow.

    And yet, I sit here, depressed.

    I tried today. But we were up late last night, so I knew I wasn’t making it to church. When I did wake up to get up close to 11 am today, I really thought I would be able to do the cleaning I want to do today.

    But my body feels so heavy.

    So, when Jared got home from church, it was Jared that did laundry. It was Jared who did dishes. It is Jared who is getting the boys ready for the first day of school tomorrow.

    It was Jared who managed to get me and Oliver out of the house and down to the Marina earlier this late afternoon.

    I have managed to feed myself today and take the photo above and that is about it.

    I guess I am just struggling with where I fit into the world anymore.

    We got Porter moved in on Friday and were back in time to go to the football game Friday night.

    I didn’t feel much like being social. I should have known then where things were headed.

    Poor Abby has to deal with me shutting her out when I am like this too, when all she wants to do is be my therapy dog.

    It’s 8:09 PM, so I will go to bed soon. I will sleep through the night so I can be up tomorrow morning to get Liam and Oliver to school since it will be raining and Jared won’t be able to ride his scooter.

    And I will do what I can to stay out of the bed tomorrow.

  • wins and discoveries

    Today is six weeks post-op and I am confident I am 100% recovered! I managed the entirety of the first segment of my Inhale Steve Ross yoga today, I managed 10 minutes on my stationary bike, and I managed a lot of my arm-related physical therapy exercises.

    I am feeling really, really good about having the hysterectomy. All things considered, my recovery was as uncomplicated as I could have asked for. I am thrilled.

    I got a vaccination yesterday and was asked if there was any chance I was pregnant for the first time. I just laughed and said, “Nope,” and explained about the surgery. The nurse laughed when I told her it was the first time I’d been asked that question since the surgery.

    We will have family visiting for the next few days and I am thrilled about that, too! Bowling is on the agenda; we might go to a jazz concert tonight, and of course the fireworks for the 4th. We like to go to the overlook by the high school to sit because it’s not quite as crowded.

    I decided to hold off on selling any of my camera gear. It would be better to sell after I officially close the business in August anyway. Plus, Jared is right: we do not have the funds currently to replace my camera if I broke it or if it started malfunctioning, so it is best to hold onto the backup GFX 50sII for now. I will likely reassess in January or so.

    I did figure out I can do 1:1 macro photography with my Schneider-Kreuznach Cinelux lens, however, and I am thrilled! The photo above of one of our aging hydrangeas is one of my first attempts. It’s tricky and limited, however, because I only have the f2 aperture, of course. It works for shots like this but I will have to be picky about how I go about such photography because of the thin depth of field. Not complaining at all, it’s just an artistic feature. Another reason that lens is one of my favorites.

    I really do think it is possible I could survive with just my 80mm f1.7 Fuji lens, that Cinelux lens, and my 50mm f2 Minolta lens. Food for thought, for sure.

    You can read more about me here.

  • finding focus even when the camera won’t

    Four weeks and two days after my hysterectomy, I am finally feeling okay enough to do some light exercise. So, today:

    • five minutes on the stationary bike
    • 20 chest fly’s
    • 15 reps of my five physical therapy stretch band arm exercises

    I’m feeling pretty great about all that, if a little tired after.

    Jared and I got out to the lake last night and I got a sort-of interesting shot with the help of some lens flare:

    I was feeling sort of bummed last night. At the lake, I also tested some of my lenses on one of my cameras that has been fussy about its autofocus capabilities lately…..as in, sometimes the autofocus doesn’t work. I’d been planning to sell one of my cameras to help pay down some of our debt, but obviously I can’t sell a camera that might not be at its best. And I would send it to Edison, NJ for repair if I could reliably get the problem to replicate but it doesn’t always malfunction. So when I took this photo, I was sort of in a mood. The lens flare, though somewhat interesting, also captured the hazy frustration I was feeling.

    But this morning, I remembered that I do have a good number of manual focus lenses: I love my Minolta and my Cinelux lenses! And, the camera works just fine in manual focus. So, it appears that moving forward I will simply have a manual focus Fuji GFX camera and a GFX camera that I use my native lenses with. Not ideal for my plan to pay down our debt, but it does make use of my current gear and is probably a pretty darn good plan moving forward.

    Sometimes I have brief flickers of just selling all my photo gear and getting out of photography altogether. I know that is not likely healthy, and I know I’d likely just want to start up again probably less than a year after I got out.

    I know the answer: Get out and photograph more.

    You can read more about me here.