Category: Expressive

  • grateful — december 28, 2024

    grateful — december 28, 2024

    I’ve been radio silent on this blog for a while and every time I post I think this is the start of when I might start posting on a regular basis. The truth is, I write every day, sometimes on Facebook but without fail in my journal software. I’m interested in being a blogger, but I’ve felt like I had to guard my words and thoughts for a while now and a lot of what I wanted to write about just really wasn’t appropriate to write about in public mostly because it would re-traumatize myself.

    Anyway, I’ve been doing gratitude lists daily for over a year now and they’ve included 50 things on them since February or so of this year. For much of the month of December, I posted my daily gratitude lists on Facebook for my friends to read. But likely, they are tired of that daily oversharing, and I do have this space that is all mine. So, here is today’s gratitude list. I doubt this will be a daily post. But, it makes me feel good to post it here today.

    1. I am grateful for Jared.
    2. I am grateful for my marriage to Jared.
    3. I am grateful I can get on with a routine and not worry about exactly staying awake as long as Jared does.
    4. I am grateful for my education.
    5. I am grateful for mornings.
    6. I am grateful for foggy mornings.
    7. I am grateful for AGI, brie or goat cheese, sunflower seeds, a protein bar, and decaf coffee + collagen for breakfast.
    8. I am grateful for the way photography re-trains my brain to see the beauty in the world.
    9. I am grateful my children are healthy.
    10. I am grateful for peace and quiet.
    11. I am grateful for Mow, Nancy, Bess, Abby, and Trixie.
    12. I am grateful for my family.
    13. I am grateful for Jared’s family.
    14. i am grateful for my memories.
    15. I am grateful for my education, both inside and outside the classroom.
    16. I am grateful for music.
    17. I am grateful for art.
    18. I am grateful I know how to read.
    19. I am grateful I like to read.
    20. I am grateful for healthy changes in perspective.
    21. I am grateful for forgiveness.
    22. I am grateful for time to think.
    23. I am grateful for Steve Ross yoga.
    24. I am grateful for good friends.
    25. I am grateful for my church.
    26. I am grateful for all the churches I’ve attended in my life.
    27. I am grateful for my work history.
    28. I am grateful for comfortable shoes.
    29. I am grateful a simple Christmas 2024.
    30. I am grateful for good teachers and mentors.
    31. I am grateful to know a lot of talented artists.
    32. I am grateful to know how to cut my own hair myself.
    33. I am grateful to know how to do simple trims my family’s hair when they want me to.
    34. I am grateful my family is not hungry.
    35. I am grateful to be volunteering somewhere again.
    36. I am grateful to have discovered chickpea pasta.
    37. I am grateful to be both a cat and a dog person.
    38. I am grateful to have a blog.
    39. I am grateful for the years I spent tinkering with WordPress theme designs. It meant that when I bought a theme I liked, I could tweak it to be just so like I wanted.
    40. I am grateful to know how to play the piano.
    41. I am grateful to have a real piano in the house again.
    42. I am grateful that 2024 has been a year of growth.
    43. I am grateful to be less afraid of the world these days.
    44. i am grateful I’ve finally had the patience to let my hair grow.
    45. I am grateful it doesn’t matter if my hair ever thins because I do actually like how I look bald.
    46. I am grateful for modern medicine.
    47. I am grateful for modern psychiatric medicine.
    48. I am grateful to know at least some history.
    49. I am grateful to appreciate history.
    50. I am grateful I like to learn.

      Happy Holidays, Everyone.
  • november is hard

    november is hard

    November is always hard. 

    I should start writing advice letters to myself.

    Forty-five year old me would tell nineteen year old me on this night twenty-six years ago that this week will always be hard from now on. Though, at least at age forty-five there is some perspective on the fact that two separate men were never good for me. Tonight twenty-six years ago was just another example of that fact. 

    I feel like in many ways I am psychologically re-parenting the me of my early adulthood. I very rarely feel like I am making progress, though writing here tonight is progress so I am grateful for that.

    Two trauma anniversaries within a week should not happen to anyone. I know I am hardly unique in these experiences and that makes me sad. Though I am unique probably in my own personal circles in that way.

    I wonder if I would have invited drama into my life had things not gone the way they did in my late teenage years? It’s good that I am starting to wonder things like that now. And that I recognize the urge for drama and can talk to Jared about it fully transparently.

    I love my marriage.

    I have some decisions to make over the next couple of weeks and it feels tonight like I am at a crossroads within myself regarding at least one of those decisions.

    Tonight, though, routine is enough. There will be an engagement session tomorrow with a lovely couple and there are wedding photos to finish editing. And I had my very first (paid!) editing job for someone else yesterday and I could do that full-time if someone would let me. For real.

    But for now, it’s bedtime because taking Oliver and Liam to school at 7 AM will come early. We always are in the car in time to listen to “Forgive and Forget.”

    Maybe someday soon I will be able to actually write for real like I used to in the old days. Maybe. Tonight isn’t that night, but for tonight at least there is a new blog post.

  • the power of a gratitude practice

    the power of a gratitude practice

    gratitude practice

    Over the past year or so, I have developed a fairly elaborate gratitude practice.

    My gratitude practice is slowly transforming my life. It has helped me curb my compulsive spending habits. Keeping a gratitude list has helped me transform my mindset into a much more positive tone, and it has also helped me cultivate a truly grateful attitude.

    About a year ago, I started making a list each day of things and people I am grateful for. I started out my practice by listing five things each day that I was grateful for. That progressed to ten things eventually, and now my gratitude list includes fifty things that I am grateful for each day. 

    There are two things that are helpful in maintaining a gratitude practice: It is easier to do it at the same time each day. I find it easiest to make my gratitude list in the mornings. Also, when I have difficulty thinking of things to be grateful for in my life, I go back to the relationships I am grateful for in my life. 

    It is not easy to maintain a gratitude practice. I was pretty militant at first at keeping up with my list daily, but now I do sometimes go upwards of a week between making my gratitude lists. I have discovered this is a practice of intentionality. I have also discovered when I neglect this practice, my more negative mindset tends to creep back in. The positive mindset effects is my motivation for keeping up this practice.

    As an example, here is my gratitude list for today:

    Grateful Oct 7, 2024

    1. I am grateful for Jared.
    2. I am grateful for my marriage to Jared.
    3. I am grateful I have discovered physical therapy.
    4. I am grateful physical therapy is not just me doing exercises.
    5. I am grateful I have a great physical therapist.
    6. I am grateful for my jewelry collection.
    7. I am grateful I can cut my own hair.
    8. I am grateful we live in Carrollton.
    9. I am grateful I am not going to bed hungry tonight.
    10. I am grateful we could get ice cream tonight.
    11. I am grateful that I am alive.
    12. I am grateful that BG and I are communicating again.
    13. I am grateful that the current hurricane isn’t headed for Georgia.
    14. I am grateful I can occasionally sit on the reclining couch.
    15. I am grateful for Abby sitting at my feet.
    16. I am grateful for Trixie wanting to be close to Liam.
    17. I am grateful Oliver has friends.
    18. I am grateful Mama and Daddy have Carrollton Presbyterian Church.
    19. I am grateful Jared got to meet someone who also thinks several special people in Jared’s life from his past are also special.
    20. I am grateful that Jared loves me.
    21. I am grateful for Covenant Presbyterian Church.
    22. I am grateful that my hair is growing.
    23. I am grateful that I ate a pretty balanced diet today.
    24. I am grateful that I drink decaf coffee.
    25. I am grateful that I could sleep in this morning.
    26. I am grateful Jared is playing D&D with his friends.
    27. I am grateful to have time to myself to work.
    28. I am grateful to be rekindling my love of writing.
    29. I am grateful the weather is good today.
    30. I am grateful we have an alarm system.
    31. I am grateful our dishwasher and our washing machine and dryer all work.
    32. I am grateful I have a safe place to sleep tonight.
    33. I am grateful my children have enough to eat.
    34. I am grateful Porter still wants to spend time with us.
    35. I am grateful that Porter texts me sometimes.
    36. I am grateful that Porter is doing well in his college classes.
    37. I am grateful that Porter doesn’t mind me tracking his phone location while he is downtown.
    38. I am grateful that Porter is not giving up on his education even though he doesn’t love GSU.
    39. I am grateful that we have a nice home.
    40. I am grateful that we have a home.
    41. I am grateful that we can pay our bills.
    42. I am grateful that Liam is doing so well on learning to drive.
    43. I am grateful that I still have the drive to tell my stories.
    44. I am grateful that it is okay to tell my stories even if those stories have evolved from what I thought they once were.
    45. I am grateful to have a blog.
    46. I am grateful for my photography business.
    47. I am grateful that I got to shoot a wedding at Cloudland Canyon.
    48. I am grateful that I have photographed 43 weddings.
    49. I am grateful for my camera gear.
    50. I am grateful to have some alone time tonight.

    This is my list from today. Sometimes, things from the day make it onto the next day’s list and I do not stress over whether I repeat myself. In fact, I have found that repeatedly listing the same items over again multiple times ingrain the feeling of gratitude over a certain relationship or thing. I hope my experiences with my gratitude practice helps you in your own! 

  • twenty years ago today jared asked me to marry him

    twenty years ago today jared asked me to marry him

    Twenty years ago today, my husband Jared asked me to marry him.

    I didn’t say yes when he asked me. I took the ring to show my boss, who was standing, watching what was happening. Jared had to remind me that I hadn’t actually said yes.

    I’d given up on Jared; I remember a heavy, resigned feeling when I called him the morning of Saturday, October 2, 2004, and got his answering machine instead of him when I called him before work that day. I didn’t know that he was on the way to get on a plane to come see me.

    We lived in different states; Jared lived in Iowa and I lived in Georgia. We’d had a long distance relationship for a little over a year at that point. 

    I was impatient, which is why I was giving up on the relationship; I would have been engaged to him months earlier. It was important to him to date at least a year before he proposed. 

    So, Jared ordered a planter of irises from a local florist in McDonough, and had my Dad go pick them up for him to meet him at my parents’ house. Over lunch at Pizza Hut, Jared told my parents about his plans and asked specifically for their blessing, not their permission. My Mother asked to see the ring, but Jared told her he thought I should see it first. 

    Then, Mapquest maps in hand with his rental car, Jared found his way to the Museum where I was working at the time, in Atlanta. My friend Amy met him and they delivered the irises to the administrative offices for me to come pick up, then Amy escorted Jared down to the basement where my desk was. Jared hid in an office down the hallway while me and a guy friend passed by, because the irises were too heavy for me to carry. 

    The card on the irises had said “Soon, Sweetheart, Very Soon,” and I knew exactly what that meant. And I remember looking with a sort of bewildered terror in my boss’s eyes, as I explained that I was pretty sure Jared was about to propose. Jared had already been in the office, though, because he was going to hide in an adjacent cubicle but there was none. I had been describing my desk area as my “cubie,” but it was really just a desk in an open room with two half wall dividers on either side. Zero privacy and no place to hide.

    So, Jared made his way to hide behind another door down the hall to wait for me. I sat back down at my desk, and here comes Jared around the corner, dressed in a suit with a single rose in his hand, and he got down on his knee to ask me to marry him and present me with a ring. 

    I knew we had an audience and that made me very nervous. I said yes once my attention had been redirected, of course. 

    The problem was that there was a fundraiser gala that night, that I had responsibilities for, and so we had limited time because it was nearly time for me to get ready. Jared was in a suit, but he says now that was for me, not because he expected to be able to stay at work for the function with me. So, I took a dinner break and Jared and I went down the street to Panera for a quick dinner. Then, I sent him on his way to report back to my parents that I had indeed said yes. 

    So I spent most of the evening of Saturday, October 2, 2004, doing whatever little duties I had for the Museum, but mostly ogling over my new jewelry and showing it off. 

    It was a life-transforming decision, saying yes to Jared’s proposal.

    For a long, long time I dreaded the anniversary of this day every year. It was not my dream proposal: we weren’t alone, and it wasn’t an environment we can really ever re-visit now that I am no longer employed there. Worse, it was witnessed by a person who went on to be not a very nice person to me later. And I long lamented the fact that there were no photos of us from that night, and the fact that I’d had to work, and had to send him away for the evening. Jared had to hear about that for a lot of years. I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is. I have mostly made my peace. And I do still like to mark the day. 

    Twenty years. It has been wonderful and hard and painful and unexpected and exquisite and beautiful and all the things that a marriage is. Jared spoils me in attention, love, and things. He teaches me more about patience and simplicity every day. He helps teach me to not take things for granted. Jared takes care of me both when I am well and when I am unwell, and he is my protector. He holds my hand both at home when it’s just us and when we’re out and about doing simple things like shopping for groceries. He forms his life and priorities around our life together, around my desires. 

    Jared calls me “Doodles,” a nickname he gave me about the time I got unexpectedly pregnant with Oliver, our youngest. 

    And so today, twenty years after that proposal, Jared took the day off. We started our day by taking the photo above. We went on a drive to Newnan, we bought a book Liam needed for school, we looked unsuccessfully for shoes for Jared, and we had lunch at Panera. Then we came a long way home, went out and got Burger King ice cream cones, and did find shoes for me while we waited to pick the boys up from school. We renewed our library cards and found new reads, and did some grocery shopping. And now we are watching The 100, the show we are currently bingeing. 

    Jared teaches me something new every day. Today’s lesson was to find joy every day in the small things. It’s something I struggle with. 

    I don’t quite know what I did to snag this wonderful man’s attention so long ago, but I will be forever grateful that I did. And there may not be a photo of us from that night twenty years ago, but there is a pretty darn good photo of us from today. Standing in front of our beautiful home, my dream home.

  • helene reminds me of another time

    This type of weather always scares me. 

    One February morning when I was 10 years old, I had to have been the only kid who had to go to school at like 10:30 in the morning after a tornado hit our neighborhood that morning. That was a bum deal; I was traumatized and wanted the day off too, but Mama and Daddy made me go. 

    The week before had been a tornado too, and but the worst of it was that we’d lost a tree that had come within probably 10 feet of hitting our house. 

    But the next week, a tornado picked up a whole house a hundred yards from my house and put it in the middle of the street, foundation and all. The only reason somebody wasn’t killed was that the people who lived there had moved out a few weeks before. 

    For months after the tornado, you could see the inside of the Greene’s bedroom, up the street, from where the tornado had torn off the whole front side of their house. They eventually had to tear the whole thing over and build from scratch.

    The people’s trampoline next door ended up in the back yard of the house across the street. 

    Some kids down the street rode their mattress down into their front yard, when the front of their house was torn off and their room was exposed. 

    I still remember my friend Amanda yelling my name frantically from across the street at like 6 am when the weather had passed and it was safe to go outside. Mama and I walked up the street, and Channel 2 news was there in front of the Greene’s house. Mama was interviewed but so far as we know they didn’t use the footage. 

    People from all over Carroll County (and probably farther) came driving through the neighborhood for days and probably weeks to rubberneck. 

    I was in high school or college before I found out that the lay of the land in that part of Carroll County is primed for tornadoes, just because of the contours of the land. 

    We took down five trees earlier this year in the yard we have now, and it’s nights like tonight that I am so grateful we did that. And I wish we’d taken down about four more that I would go take down now, in hindsight. 

    I am the Mama who goes and gathers up all my children and shuttles them to bring their blankets and pillows and make pallets on the bathroom floors in severe weather— my kids have grown up doing that and know the drill.

    And that is why. Because when I was 10 years old, there was very good reason to be afraid of a storm.