Here’s what I don’t talk about with my photography gear…
Probably half the time I have my gear out, I just hold it, sitting in my lap. Not for pictures…. It is my security blanket.
I did it last night at the Marina when I snapped the selfie with Jared, with the X-S20.
This morning on the way out the door to church, I knew I’d want to hold the GFX after we dropped Porter off at UGA this afternoon, so I threw it into my purse. So here it is, now in my lap as Jared drives us back home to Carrollton.
I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world with security blanket-type object.
It’s just that mine have doubled as professional and hobby-type tools at the same time.
I’m feeling fairly anxious this week. I stood up for my 18-23 year-old self on Thursday, and also my 45 year-old self as well.
And then I drove to Athens for my oldest.
And I spent a good portion of the weekend hiding. Because that is what I do.
And I’m probably going to spend some more time in the next few weeks hiding while I try to get my mental health back in some semblance of equilibrium.
I’ve lost my laundry routine since before October 20.
Dishes sit undone for days on end.
It’s been rough.
I’m determined to turn a corner, but for now, I hide.
Halloween was interesting….I dressed up as a professional princess complete with the tiara I wore for our wedding and the pink sweater I made for myself last year, and a tulle layered skirt that embarrasses the big boys but Oliver likes, and one of my crystal necklaces, and my black faux patent leather boots that I love so much.
Oliver was the Joker from Batman.
The band was allowed to wear costumes, so Liam wore his suit on the field. He told me who he was supposed to be but I forget now– he’d wanted to wear a mask but school rules prohibited masks.
We have Porter home for the weekend! I went to get him Thursday at UGA. I skipped my ladies’ group in favor of a nap and necessary self-care, and then went to get Porter.
This selfie with Jared was tonight at the Marina. Jared took me to the swings at the Marina for the last night of dark after 6 pm for the year, since the time changes tonight. I took another selfie with us both looking at the camera, but then he wanted to take this one of him kissing me.
Jared is not afraid of public displays of affection, and he opened the door on my side of the car when I got in the car tonight. I have to say…..he’s done that for 22 years now. The only exception is if the spot is too tight for it to be awkward for him to do so. Otherwise, he is opening the car door for me and I am used to it.
The last two days have been rough for reasons I won’t go into, but Jared is taking good care of me. He always does.
Jared says I have been less afraid of him this year; that I am making progress.
He says for years in the 2010s to the early 2020s I flinched, as in actually jumped, whenever Jared reached out to touch me.
Jared says it hurt, but he knew it was not him I was reacting to: it was ghosts of the past.
The body keeps score.
And even now, my nervous system is highly wired and worn out.
But I do love my husband, and I am learning to trust the love that he has shown me consistently for 22 years now.
Trust is hard.
Trusting men is harder.
The body keeps score and even with 22 years of careful and tender care, there are confusing outbursts occasionally. It’s hard to remember that my husband is not the enemy sometimes.
And when my nervous system feels short-circuited due to high alert, the best thing I can do is bury my head in Jared’s chest and let him tell me, without me saying a word, “You are safe.”
In fact, when I am at my most distressed, Jared takes off his shirt to hold me, telling me I need the contact of his warm skin.
Jared says, “You are safe,” at the most unexpected times.
The situation is delicate enough that Jared’s incredible employer lets me hang out with him at work whenever it’s practical.
Right now, I am drafting this post from the hallway of the press box while Jared is working with the broadcast kids for the Halloween football game tonight.
Lots of afternoons, when I have been unable to drag myself out of the bed due to despondency, Jared will say, “Come see me,” and when I manage to get cleaned up and out of the house, I just go hang out at his office.
Jared is truly my safe place.
How I got so lucky when that man with the online profile “Maxtheape” sent me a message in early July 2003, I will never know.
I remain convinced that Jared Price saved my life.
So I wrote a hair post the other day, and I didn’t mention that pigtails are the newest hairstyle, just because it’s finally long enough for doing that. This is probably going to be my go-to hairstyle for the Fall 2025 just because it’s been a long time since I could and it gets it off my neck and it’s comfortable when I’m driving or sitting with my head leaned back against the car headrest or the headrest of the recliner.
One thing that was not a thing the last time I had hair long enough to put up in any way, shape or form are hair coils. The Scunci ones in the link are probably going to last me a lifetime and pretty much satisfy all my hair styling up-do type things I will need to do for the foreseeable future. When I don’t put my hair up in pigtails, I’ll usually put it up in a weird little but type thing that I don’t know how to explain in writing but it’s not quite a messy bun– I don’t have enough hair for that– but I don’t worry about whether it’s nice looking or not. But it ends up being cute regardless.
That last photo I posted in the last post, from summer 2021 when I was completely bald….it has been a severe process getting to pigtail-appropriate length. I’ve been a compulsory hair trimmer at home here for years at this point. Luckily, I’ve had a “put the shears down” moment and don’t feel so much like trimming every other week anymore now that the length is more interesting.
In other self-care news, being 46 means that I have to pay attention to my neck because it is becoming wrinkly fast. I’m not doing anything drastic, but I do use Trader Joe’s jojoba oil on it, sparingly, to delay crepey skin. I use the jojoba oil after the shower in the morning and also at night before bed. I use whatever Costco cheaper face Korean liquid treatment stuff is in stock for my face, but I do like the jojoba oil for my neck.
As for the glasses….that’s a thing these days as I age too. I opted for gas permeable hard contact lenses when I got my last eye exam to err on the cheaper side for my contacts. But having used soft contacts literally my whole life to now, it’s been a not-so-smooth transition and now I can’t wait to get home from being out so I can get my contacts out of my eyes. Some days the contacts don’t go in at all.
When I had my eye exam last winter, I got Costco’s optical department to put new lenses in these Warby Parker Holcomb frames I had from years ago. It took a couple of weeks longer than ordering a normal pair, but it was totally worth it.
And also….my thyroid issues or my psych meds one make my eyes drier than they used to be. Which makes the contacts rougher for long wear, too.
Back to skin stuff though…. when I do wear makeup, I only use two things: this Bayfree Multi-Glow Balm is great both as a blush and as an eye shadow. And I keep at least three of these Neutrogena Moistureshine lip gloss tubes around the house at all times.
So anyway, yeah….this is beauty care at age 46 for me.
I’ve been working frantically on this blog’s page design for most of the past 24 hours. No particular reason, other than I felt like it.
But I finally have the design like I like it! The navigation in the header was a bear to work with, and took some hardwiring with code to get it fixed, but I got it.
And, for better or worse, I have decided to opt into monetization: at the bottom of this page you will find a “Buy me a coffee!” button, which takes to either a one-time or a subscription $5 page.
I’ve talked about it in real life a lot but I use Gemini a lot these days…..I have a Google Workspace subscription leftover from my photo days, attached to this domain name, and I consult Gemini a lot since my version doesn’t contribute to the LLM learning.
Gemini doesn’t do my writing for me. It doesn’t even usually help me come up with post ideas. I do run my posts through Gemini for impact feedback, and for help with typos. That’s it.
But…..Gemini helped me design this blog!
I had an old theme that I liked that I had paid for, but I became concerned about updates, etc. and security issues. I switched to the generic Twenty Twenty Five theme for WordPress probably back in March or April.
But….that theme used a font that I liked so much that I hunted down the font and bought it to use with that previous theme in other places that weren’t licensed by the theme. So I had the font available, and that font is what is powering my current header.
The color choice for the header though…..that’s a nod back to the blogging days of olden times. I came across a theme I liked using that color as a secondary color probably back in 2012 or 2013 or so. The really old days of blogging when I bought new themes like every other day, just because (I know, I know).
That shade of pink though, it stuck with me.
But then in March or April, when I decided to switch to Twenty Twenty Five, I knew I had to have help with the secondary colors.
So, I fed Gemini the original pink shade hex values, and Gemini is the one that came up with the hex value for the bluish sage of the navigation header and links in my design.
Gemini helped me suss out where the email subscribe button should go, which order the social media icons should be in, and where the “Buy me a coffee!” button should go.
And, I have to say, I like this design pretty much as well as any design I have ever had for a website.
Gemini even helped me tailor the language on Privacy Policy page.
When I had trouble configuring the colors in the header, Gemini helped me figure out the code I needed to add to the “Additional CSS” box.
This post is about the design of the blog, but someday I’ll write about other things Gemini helps me do– it’s a lot.
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